Hurt Meets Healer Podcast
Hurt people, hurt people. Are you ready to work through the pain of your past? Healing is possible! Join us on our healing journey, a journey to freedom, where you'll get straight truth from genuine people.
We use our story and experience to help others walk through the trauma of intimate betrayal. This is raw and real talk from average people who are walking the path of healing.
Kim is a Certified Professional Mentor™ through BraveHearts University, and a Certified Christian Life Coach through the Board of Christian Life Coaching.
Hurt Meets Healer Podcast
S1:E12 - Make The Repair, part 2
What if the journey to healing from sexual addiction and infidelity could unlock deeper, more authentic connections in your life? We explore the heart-wrenching yet transformative process of making amends in relationships shattered by betrayal. Our discussion draws on the expertise of John Gottman, Carol Sheets, and Leslie Vernick to illuminate the vital role of empathy and understanding. We confront the challenges of acknowledging and repairing emotional breaches, emphasizing that genuine repentance requires not just words but real actions to rebuild trust. I share my personal experiences, urging listeners to rethink the notion of immediate forgiveness and how it can actually stall true healing and restitution.
Personal growth is a lifelong adventure, and it's one we actively shape through our response to struggles. We discuss how facing challenges—whether they involve physical strength or relational dynamics—can lead to profound growth when approached with the right mindset. This episode highlights the power of empathy, communication, and perseverance, encouraging you to reassess the negative self-agreements that hold you back. By aligning our beliefs with truth and love, as Jesus taught, we can ensure that our values are authentically grounded. We also tackle the potential for scripture to be misinterpreted, reminding listeners to exercise discernment in shaping beliefs that genuinely reflect love and truth.
Thank you for listening! For more information about us and the services we offer, visit www.hurtmeetshealer.com.
Intro & Outro music written, performed, and produced by Kim Capps.
This podcast is for informational purposes only and should not be considered legal, medical, or professional advice. The views expressed by the Host or any Guest(s) are strictly their own and in no way constitute legal, medical, or professional advice.
Copyright ©️ 2025, Hurt Meets Healer, LLC. All rights reserved.
Kim Capps ministry that was created to help individuals and couples who are walking through the devastating impact of sexual addiction and infidelity. Thanks for joining me today. Hey y'all, welcome back, welcome back. Wow, this is our 12th episode. Can you believe that?
Speaker 2:I know. Thank you both for listening out there.
Speaker 1:Right, oh my gosh, oh my gosh. Well, I'm going to give the typical spiel, legal spiel. We are not professionals, we are not legal experts. We are not. We're just normal, average, sometimes below average, human beings here, and everything expressed is our opinion, our opinion only. We may throw in some quotes from people and we will give you where those came from, who they are and whatnot, but we do not give advice or offer any advice whatsoever. We do offer hope that there is healing. Even if there's not reconciliation in a relationship, we as individuals can be healed. I believe that 100%. So that's what we're here to offer.
Speaker 1:And today we are on part two of Make the Repair is what it is. Make the Repair, part two is the title. We defined it last episode. So if you want to catch up, go back and listen to that episode 11. That's where we started on this subject. On Make the Repair, we're talking about making amends, making restitution after blowing up a relationship. Just spousal hurt, harm, call it whatever you want, fossil hurt, harm, call it whatever you want. Sexual addiction and infidelity. And so today I'm going to ask a few more questions. John is here, hello, I expect you to go howdy.
Speaker 2:What's up? Change it up every now and then there you go Keep me on my toes here.
Speaker 1:So the question I'm going to ask this there's going to be a couple of them. Why would someone not desire to make amends? Ooh, dun, dun dun.
Speaker 2:What heart posture is that?
Speaker 1:I think it would probably be coming from a place of not really understanding the pain and hurt that they've caused.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm, and that's a hard place to get to sometimes, when you know, having walked the journey, I know how callous and closed off my emotions were for a long time. I mean, I'm still trying to figure it out. Sometimes I don't know whether to just sit down and cry or go. You know, blow something up. Don't say that.
Speaker 2:Well what I mean is, in the pasture, shoot some targets, some tannerite, whatever, but it's that I know what it's like to be numb to emotion, and so, having numbed out for a long time, I also became numb to other people's emotions, and so for me, and maybe one of y'all out there listening, it was a process to unlock my own emotions before I could even start to feel the hurt and the depth of it that I had caused you and the depth of it that I had caused you, and so you know.
Speaker 2:that's how I would answer that. If you don't know what hurt feels like because you've numbed it for so long, it's fairly easy to ignore somebody else's hurt that you've created.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah, you may not know this. John Gottman says a pattern of turning away followed by an inability to acknowledge and repair the breach brings couples a giant step closer to the roach motel. And that's in his book what Makes Love Last. Turning away followed by an inability to acknowledge and repair the breach, that's huge. That's huge. And Carol Sheets says in her book Help Her Heal. Empathy is required for making amends. The living amends that you will make to her cannot occur unless empathy is at the heart of it. Developing empathy allows you to feel good about yourself and restores your integrity. To feel good about yourself and restores your integrity, Empathy will show her that you understand her fears. Empathy is a form of communication that shows your partner that you heard what she is saying and you're noticing the collateral damage. You want to support her by being accountable for the pain you caused.
Speaker 2:What do you think about that?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think I mean I don't have a lot to say about that other than I agree. So how do? If empathy is necessary which I believe that's what Gottman was saying too you know you have to acknowledge and turn toward your spouse. Then the breach is not being repaired. Empathy is turning toward and acknowledging the wrongdoing, acknowledging the hurt, acknowledging the collateral damage, which there's a lot of in this type of betrayal, and I, like what Carol says here about you, want to support her by being accountable for the pain you caused. A lot of guys I say a lot of guys. I will say this.
Speaker 1:I'm going to quote another famous lady here that you may know, leslie Vernick, and she says in her book the Emotionally Destructive Marriage genuine repentance demonstrates a willingness to endure consequences without complaint. And sometimes this is also leslie vernick, same book the emotionally destructive marriage, sometimes destructive individuals expect amnesty once they say they're sorry for what they've done. They believe that sorry means no more consequences, no extra effort, and that we shouldn't have to talk about it anymore. They believe their words of repentance automatically restore trust and repair relationship wounds. But words are not enough. Words can be deceptive, see Jeremiah 7.4. A heart that is changed shows it and she has counseled, oh my gosh, hundreds of people Men, women, betrayed, not betrayed the betrayer, the spouse, women betrayed, not betrayed the betrayer the spouse. So I would think she's a pretty good voice out there for that. I mean, I've seen that attitude in you. Honestly, I'm not and I don't. Please, oh my goodness, please hear me, hear me in a right voice, hear me calmly saying I'm not accusing, I'm letting you know that my experience has been that type of attitude of expecting amnesty. Once you said you were sorry and I think possibly that's been a roadblock to this whole amends, restitution, and that's why I didn't call it, I didn't call the title of our podcast anything about amends or restitution. It's making the repair Right, because here's what I believe it's going to be lifelong, just like us living on this property.
Speaker 1:I used an analogy last time about the water lines on this property. I guarantee you we're going to have to fix another leak. I turned the water on over there at the RV. I think there's a leak at that valve. Good times, when I see water trickling out, I'm like, oh my goodness, I got to dig this stuff up again. Oh, what the heck, we just put this whole pex in here. Blah, blah, blah. Oh, it's an old. It's an old shutoff valve. We haven't replaced that one. So y'all heard it here first, and so did John. We have a small leak over there, potentially. Guess what I'm going to do tomorrow? I'm going to go check it Right, because that's what you do when you make repairs on stuff.
Speaker 1:I'm constantly checking it. I'll give you another example. I put in these smart switches around the house because that's what I do, me-o, techie, kim, and I'm the handy chick as well. So I put in these smart switches that we can say tell, I'm not going to say it because it may hear us and turn on the lights, but you can say so-and-so, turn on this light and it'll turn it on. Or we can, if we're coming home late and it's dark and we live out in the country, so it's dark out here less dark with all those people across the street now, but it's still dark up here I can pull out my phone and turn on a light, and so it's not dark in here.
Speaker 1:When we come in the house and I am forever, and I kid you not I will double-check, triple-check my wiring. I will double-check, triple check the glue on the plumbing fittings. Did I get that shark bite all the way in there? Because if you don't, those things will blow off hate to tell you, they will not grab, and so it's a constant. It's a constant thing. It's a constant thing.
Speaker 1:Like the USDA guy out here today said, it's a process, it's not a project. Healing is not a project, it's a process. Oh Lord, I got to write that down. I need to re-listen to this when I get done and write it all down what I say. And I think if we would see it as that, right, we're not, we can be better. There's hope, but I think to. I think on certain things we can be healed. I really do. You know, I don't I really take that word lightly, but there's a nag, there's a doubt in the back of my mind due to decades of of, you know, being lied to, of the hiddenness, that I thought I knew who you were and then come to find out, no, I didn't, you were. This totally different person than I thought and it really wrecked my mind and my brain a little bit, so actually a lot of it I'm. I downplayed that quite a bit. It wrecked my mind a lot and so the healing we can, we can get better. I don't know. I don't know. Thoughts comments.
Speaker 2:Well, that was a lot.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was. I'm sorry, I ramble.
Speaker 2:Let me see if I can at least start back Deep.
Speaker 1:I'm thinking deep.
Speaker 2:Right so.
Speaker 1:You have the notes. You can see where I was on that.
Speaker 2:Well, I know, yeah, I know where you were, but some of the things that you said that I want to talk about or speak to, and you know because the lifetime journey piece I think the lifetime journey is growing together through healing and healing together, and my concern is, as we move forward together, is and it goes back to what I said in the last episode I don't ever want you to think anything other than I'm just doing my best to learn how to love you better, and not this.
Speaker 1:You know what I would prefer.
Speaker 2:What.
Speaker 1:That you become the best version of you that you could be.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:The best version that God has created, and because you become that best version, because you become that best version, you love me well, not striving to love me well.
Speaker 2:Does that make sense? I think so, I mean, and I don't think those are incongruent at all, I know, I mean that is.
Speaker 1:It's the focus, right emphasis. You put the emphasis on the wrong syllable, that kind of like the whole semantics of amends versus those who love you. Well, and you know, it's kind of like that and I desire to become the best Kim that I can be, and in doing so I believe God will produce in me a love, maybe for you, maybe for other people, I don't know. I'm kind of iffy on people right now. I'm just kidding I am. Yeah, I try to be funny Sometimes I'm not, but I believe God will change my heart, change my mind, as I have to do the work too.
Speaker 1:I can't like this weight sitting down here. I can't look at that weight and go make me strong. It's like looking at God and going fix me. God. That's not how it works. I got to reach my arm down there and lift the weight, dial it into whatever I think I can lift today. It's not a lot. And then do my reps Be prepared to be sore tomorrow or, as it was later today, and suck it up. I say suck it up cupcake.
Speaker 1:That's kind of callous, but understand that there's pain in growth, not all the time, but it's when we struggle against things is, I think, when I learn the most is when I'm struggling against something. Ooh, don't lift it that way. You know it'll hurt your back. When Heather and I were in oh, dadgummit, I'm struggling against something, ooh, don't lift it that way. You know it'll hurt your back. When Heather and I were in oh, dadgummit, I'm saying names again.
Speaker 1:Anywho, we were putting in that bathroom cabinet and I'm having to carry and she's helping me carry it in and she lift with your legs. I'm like I am lifting with my legs. She's like no, you're not. If you have to bend over, you're not lifting with your legs, like well, yeah, okay, you caught me. I'm kind of sort of lifting with my legs, but I don't hardly have any leg strength, and you know why? Because I've let it go. And how do I get that back? I got to work at it. I have to struggle against something, because that's how those muscles grow, those fibers in there. They have to be torn to then come back together and heal stronger, and I think that's how relationships. That doesn't even make sense. We're going to struggle. Yeah, when we struggle together, we can grow together.
Speaker 1:But if I'm struggling over here, if we're struggling against each other, it's not going to progress into a healed relationship.
Speaker 2:No, we just messed stuff up.
Speaker 1:Right, messed stuff up Right. And if we're unwilling to talk stuff out, communicate right. So if you have empathy for me, you're willing to listen through my pain, even if it hurts Again going a couple of episodes back to having those hard conversations, staying in the hard stuff and sticking with it.
Speaker 2:I think that's where healing happens, that's part of restoration, that's part of making amends, sure and and where I was trying to go is, you know, when you take the long view of all of it, it it becomes. It's important, to me at least, to say it a different way. I want you to, I want you to be able to receive the best version of me, loving you the best way I know how. As simply that, not as an not having some expectation that that we spend a lifetime healing from this hurt, but we spend a lifetime loving each other, and along that journey of loving each other, all the hurts get healed.
Speaker 1:I'm shocked that I actually like that take on it. You know, I'm shocked that I actually like that take on it.
Speaker 2:But there's this, you know there's this and John Eldridge talks a lot about, and many others do as well, but talks a lot about how we make agreements and these agreements that you know, this is always going to be this way and I did it. I'm never going to be this way and I did it. I'm never going to trust anybody, I'm never going to need anybody. I mean all these agreements and what did they do?
Speaker 2:They were all satanic. Yeah, lies From the author of lies Right, and so all of this stuff. You know we talk about healing and you know, as if it's not possible, but that's not what I read. And so all of this stuff, we get our head wrapped around the wrong information and we build on poor foundations. And, unfortunately, I read a headline. I didn't read the entire article, but I read a headline the other day that the obama presidential library was falling apart. Oh wow, but due to, you know, significant foundation issues and wow, how ironic is that right and so, but.
Speaker 2:But the reality is this If the truths that I am building on aren't solid, if the foundation isn't solid, then it doesn't matter how good I build on that foundation, it ain't going to stick.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:And so I have become very critical of what I allow into my foundation building, and making those agreements is part of that for me. I am not going to make those agreements that this is a lifelong sentence of whatever, because I do believe that we can be healed. And you said a whole bunch of other things that now I don't remember. I don't either.
Speaker 2:That's what I do that's what I do, but. But I just want to really say that out loud is be careful, and to whoever might be listening one or two of you be careful. What you allow in your foundation, make sure that you vet it very well yeah because there is a truth, one truth. Jesus is the truth. Right, yeah, the way the truth and the life and so if it doesn't line up, if it doesn't mesh, then, no matter how good it might sound, it's not the truth.
Speaker 1:Well, and I'm not even going to touch that, I have a thought on that. I'm just going to keep on with the subject that is at hand, because we can all interpret. You interpreted Scripture incorrectly and used it incorrectly against me. So, yes, we should follow what Jesus says and align our beliefs with Jesus and what he says. However, there is a lot of misconstruing of Scripture out there that are against women, and so just be aware of that.
Speaker 1:That doesn't mean that we give up our knowledge, our right. The Holy Spirit lives in us. If you are a child of God, you've accepted Jesus and he's given you His Holy Spirit. The very life of Jesus lives in you. Allow him to speak to you and I would hold everything up against the Word of God. And how you see it, god can confirm his Word. He's big enough to know what he meant when he said what he said, and so, and there's lots of great resources out there.
Speaker 2:Sure that are.
Speaker 1:But you have to understand, john, when a woman has been I'm not a woman when a lady has been hurt to the point that we have been hurt whether you think we should be hurt this bad or not we have a hard time believing anything out there at this point, especially if Scripture has been used against us to force us to do whatever. Placate you, you know whatever it was, Submit. Placate you, you know whatever it was Right, submit. So just please understand that. That's just the facts, period. I am not making it up. So, anyhow, I live it. So we're coming to an end here again and so, man gosh, so much to talk about, especially on this subject. I just want to leave with this and I'll, I'll let you um chime in as well, john, on it.
Speaker 1:Making amends isn't, it's not this one. It's not a one-time thing. It's not an I'm sorry And-time thing. It's not an I'm sorry and it fixes everything. It's not I forgive you and we're all good now. That's not. That's not what we're talking about.
Speaker 1:Make the repair is a lifestyle. It's a consistent way of being a new person, of being different than you were before. It's loving well, it's putting your spouse above you. It's not a confession. A confession is a confession Making the repair is ongoing, and I think it's a lifelong adventure.
Speaker 1:You can call it an adventure, you can call it a struggle, if you want, but I think you could make it an adventure of oh my gosh, how can I love you better today than I did yesterday? How can I do that? Because that's where as I really focus my thoughts toward kingdom living, kingdom life, because we're only here, y'all, on this earth, for a blip, and then we're going to eternity. And so, as I think about that, how can I love well? How can I love well? How can I? What impact will today have? Will my actions today have on tomorrow, on the next day, on eternity? And how can I choose to make the best of that and start living a life of reliability, of integrity, of trustworthiness, of honor, respect, consideration.
Speaker 1:I think all those things roll into and really make up this repair that we're talking about. Call it amends, call it restitution, call it whatever. You want the repair, though, if y'all, if you want reconciliation, you have to make the repair, and men, or whoever the betrayer is, it could be women. I'm just going off of statistics. Statistically, it is more men than women. You have to lead that charge. Any final words?
Speaker 2:Any final words. Yeah, I'll say this. You know, sometimes the semantics and the language are barriers for me, because I don't ever want to be in a situation where I think that I'm doing something for some other purpose, I'm paying back right. So for me, I'm starting to get my head wrapped around, um, and I understand the making, the repair comment and, and and the language. It seems it for it was a barrier.
Speaker 2:That whole amends thing is has been a barrier for me just from a language perspective. But I want to think of it as a course correction, as an understanding and growing in love on a daily basis. On a daily basis, I can man. That's so much more exciting to me to look into the future and say I just want to learn how to love you better tomorrow than I did today, and come at it from that perspective than coming at it from the making a repair. And so if you're somebody out there that might be listening that has some hang-ups on the language, just shift your thinking. You don't have to necessarily have the conversation with your spouse, but shift your thinking. You can get excited and catch a vision for loving your spouse better tomorrow than today. And if they want to call that making amends and repairs fine. It's not a legalistic thing thing, it's. Man, how do, how do we learn how to love each other and honor each other and and grow and and have the marriage that we always dreamed of?
Speaker 1:right, yeah, and what's the big deal? If I think the word amends and restitution and you think loving, well, what's the big deal? Right, what's? What's the what's the block? You hear me ask that a lot. Where's the what's the block? Yeah, it's just because who cares? I mean, who cares? It's not that. Is it that big of a deal that that we're gonna stay stuck on this hill? We, we're going to die on this hill of? I'm not going to make amends, I just want you to know I'm loving you. Well, baba, oh, my word, and here we are saying the same stuff, you know, my goodness. In other words, communicate. There's a word I need to write this right Comprende, comprende. I don't speak Spanish. Lord, have mercy.
Speaker 1:Why did you say comprende? Oh my Lord, if y'all could be a fly on the wall of our life, you would not want to be there.
Speaker 2:You would go to the flypaper very quickly. Go to that yellow flower we have on the front door.
Speaker 1:Oh, my goodness. Y'all Thanks for joining us. We hope that we can at least shed some light on some of this stuff as we struggle through it and we unpack it here, live before you. Well, it'll be recorded, but we're walking through it as well. And again, we are not professionals. We do not. This is not a counseling session. We're walking through it as well, and again, we are not professionals. We do not. This is not a counseling session. We do not offer advice, or not psychology, not medical, not emotional advice. We are just two human beings talking it out as we are working on making the repair in our relationship. So, god bless, y'all Thanks for joining us. Thank you for taking the time to listen today. Remember you are more than what happened to you. We'd be honored to come alongside and guide you on your healing journey. Connect with us at wwwhurtmeetshealercom. Until next time, god bless.
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