Hurt Meets Healer Podcast
Hurt people, hurt people. Are you ready to work through the pain of your past? Healing is possible! Join us on our healing journey, a journey to freedom, where you'll get straight truth from genuine people.
We use our story and experience to help others walk through the trauma of intimate betrayal. This is raw and real talk from average people who are walking the path of healing.
Kim is a Certified Professional Mentor™ through BraveHearts University, and a Certified Christian Life Coach through the Board of Christian Life Coaching.
Hurt Meets Healer Podcast
Is It Just Another Bad Day?
When does a negative thought pattern cross the line from protection to poison? Kim and John Capps tackle the thorny subject of resentment after betrayal, exploring the subtle difference between setting boundaries and harboring bitterness.
Drawing from both research and raw personal experience, they break down the eight key factors that transform everyday hurts into hardened resentment: unresolved conflict, fixating on others' faults, communication breakdowns, feeling overlooked, repeated deception, unmet expectations, neglected needs, and harmful comparison. As Kim vulnerably shares, "I had pretty much silently divorced you in my heart," listeners gain a window into the devastating impact of years of addiction and deception on a relationship.
What makes this episode particularly valuable is the practical spiritual wisdom about distinguishing between having difficult thoughts (which is normal) and allowing those thoughts to become sin through rumination and indulgence. Their honest exchange about forgiveness presents it not as erasing consequences but as "canceling the debt" that releases the wounded person from carrying the burden.
Whether you're recovering from betrayal or simply struggling with everyday resentments, this conversation offers both validation and challenge – acknowledging the legitimacy of pain while pointing toward the freedom that comes through releasing resentment's grip. Ready to examine what's really behind your "bad days"? This episode provides the roadmap.
Quotes/Resources:
“What you pay attention to, is what you will remember, and what you remember is what you will anticipate in the future.” - Curt Thompson, Anatomy of the Soul
Article “Your Brain on Resentment” - link Psychology Today
Thank you for listening! For more information about us and the services we offer, visit www.hurtmeetshealer.com.
Intro & Outro music written, performed, and produced by Kim Capps.
This podcast is for informational purposes only and should not be considered legal, medical, or professional advice. The views expressed by the Host or any Guest(s) are strictly their own and in no way constitute legal, medical, or professional advice.
Copyright ©️ 2025, Hurt Meets Healer, LLC. All rights reserved.
Kim Capps ministry that was created to help individuals and couples who are walking through the devastating impact of sexual addiction and infidelity. Thanks for joining me today and welcome back y'all. Welcome back, welcome to the Hurt Meets Healer podcast. I am Kim Capps, your host. Alongside John Capps. He has been a guest, but I guess we can just actually classify him as a co-host now. Actually, give him that official title. Here's your badge Bloop.
Speaker 2:Wow, I'm honored.
Speaker 1:Right. Yes, it's an honor to be with you, john. How are you checking in today?
Speaker 2:I am checking in a little bit weary from tax season, but other than that I'm doing okay.
Speaker 1:All right, good deal. Yes, john is a CPA in the middle of tax season, as this is, we're in the month of March recording this, so he's a bit weary as he says. Very good, all right. So today's title is Is it Just Another Bad Day? And the reason I am calling it this is it kind of what's the word?
Speaker 1:I'm looking for Doves in dovetails slide there you go Into that last episode, that was One Mel of a Hess, which was then a spinoff of Making the Repair, part 1, part 2, and so in Making Repairs, making Repairs, making Repairs, and this is just another bad day. I want to talk about resentments and I think and this is just Kim thinking now y'all remember we are not professionals here on podcasting. We are not. I have credentials as far as certifications and stuff that's. We are not professional speakers or anything like that. We're just living our life and welcome to that, welcome to walking beside us. And you know, just if you want to judge, judge, that's your, your prerogative, but we're just gonna live and anyhow, um, we uh, resentments build up.
Speaker 1:I think again, it's just kim thinking from the repeated I don't know why, emphasize, why am I like all of a sudden, repeated? Anyway, that is not going to get edited out, ladies and gentlemen, you're just going to hear it right along with us. But I think it comes from the repeated offenses that continue to happen after discovery or disclosures is found out. I think resentment can build up. I also think resentment comes from what we think, how we think, the thoughts that we ruminate on, and I titled this Is it Just Another Bad Day, because that's what I heard you say.
Speaker 1:You told me one time I was just having a bad day and I questioned that, because we all have bad days. However, I would think the majority of us on a bad day really don't go to the lengths and say things that are hurtful and, yeah, about another person. So, just talking about resentments, how do they build? And I actually did a little research, imagine that, since I like to do research and find out what's going on how does life work? How do we as humans work? How do our brains work? And I read an article and I'll put all these links in the show notes as well that Neil Strauss. He coined this phrase his unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments, and our counselors have said that to us.
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:Numerous times, right. So eight things, and I couldn't tell you. I think it was maybe Google AI that came up with how do resentments build? I just put in a question how do resentments build? How do we get there? And so the eight things one unresolved conflict. Two focusing on the other's faults or flaws. Three lack of communication, the not feeling heard, not listening to gain understanding. Number four is lack of appreciation or being overlooked, dismissed, ignored. Five being lied to repeatedly. Six unmet expectations. Seven unmet needs.
Speaker 1:And eight comparison, and I don't know about any of y'all. I've experienced all eight on overdrive on a lot of them on repeat, so I've already taken up the first five minutes there. Senior Caps, how about you have anything to say about?
Speaker 2:So I was also doing some research and one of the things that I found and I haven't researched who he is, so I'm going to say that with a caveat. Normally what he sees in resentments is that they are driven by anytime we are made to feel and I know we can't make other people feel things, but this is how he phrased it anytime that we feel like or think that we've been diminished and made less than and everything on your list. All those eight things fit in that category.
Speaker 2:Right of feeling diminished or made less than, and so it really resonated with me that that is the birthplace or the seed of bitterness or resentment, and so I would definitely agree, and as somebody that has struggled with this, with having and carrying bitterness and resentment, I definitely attest to a lot of the other stuff about what it costs emotionally and even physically and relationally, and the difficulty of breaking free of that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you brought up resentments twin sister, not twin sister, but close sidekick, if you will bitterness. So I'll ask you this bitterness. You've said them in the same sentence a couple of times bitterness and resentment Same, different.
Speaker 2:I, I well, I think they're close to the same. I, I mean they absolutely, you know, you, you said it. Well, the twin sisters, for sure, I mean they have the same DNA. It's kind of like what is it? Cilantro, and parsley. It's hard to tell them apart.
Speaker 1:That's interesting. So if they're sidekicks, does that mean you can't be bitter and not can you be bitter and not resentful I think it well I don't know, I think it's hard.
Speaker 2:I mean they have the same source. That right the same source is is in both and we'll we'll get to the source but, the source is the same all right, very good and so is the cure all right wow.
Speaker 1:so I, speaking of the source and the cure, I think, um, speaking of thinking, I think it all originates with thoughts. It originates with an injustice that then, oh my goodness man, it's hard on my brain to have to think on the fly.
Speaker 2:Good gravy.
Speaker 1:So we have a something happens right, an injustice happens, a wrong, we've been wronged and or even a perceived wrong, and so we have thoughts about that Right. And sometimes we own the other person's issues and have those thoughts and go down that trail. And sometimes it's just something that slams us and we're on this betrayal recovery journey. Right, we're in. That's what this podcast is all about. So there has been an injustice all about. So there has been an injustice. And when there's an injustice, there's typically anger and man, sometimes I raged gracious sakes alive. I raged a lot at the beginning of all this and the man I just wanted the pain to stop is what was going on. And I don't say this to slam you. I'm just for our listeners, just because I will say it validates them, because I will say it validates them. I know ladies who listen who have been betrayed. They are just wanting to know I'm okay, yeah, this is normal, yeah, so I'm just telling, we're telling our story.
Speaker 2:Sure.
Speaker 1:Okay, I want to clarify. I'm not attacking. I promise that was like January's podcast, when I was all pissy on that. This one's not there, not yet anyway. No, we'll try to not get there. So it's an injustice, real or perceived, and then we have thoughts about that and our thinking then leads to whatever action, heart posture and action we're we're going to take and what words we say about that whether we say them out loud or in our mind correct.
Speaker 2:Yes, and you pegged it there in a heart posture, because that's really you know, the offense comes right. And many of these to the betrayal piece they're not perceived offenses.
Speaker 1:Correct, they're absolutely real. It really happened, it's a real thing.
Speaker 2:Some of the other stuff you know. On a more global conversation about resentment and bitterness yes, some of those are perceived.
Speaker 1:Sure. So in our situation it's absolutely real and repeated. It was just repeated over and over. Being lied to repeatedly, yes, absolutely, lack of appreciation, being overlooked yeah, I mean all of them. For years and you know I don't know that I would name it resentment I absolutely had no respect for you. You had lost my respect and you had lost a place in my heart. Even before I knew of the betrayal side of it, you had lost that respect. I know I had been working on forgiveness in my heart and working so I wouldn't be resentful. I was also working to go out and live on my own because I was going to leave you that year and I didn't want to do that. I knew enough to know that I didn't want to do that poorly, I didn't want to stoop to that low level and so I was just quietly, you know, working my way, running my company and saving up man, every nickel, dime, find a penny, pick it up, and and my goal was I was, I was out and you know it was the all the unresolved conflict for 30 years and the focusing on. I was getting all the focus on my faults and it seemed like no one was going. Hey, what's up with John. Somehow you yeah, now I did develop some resentment. I will say that.
Speaker 1:So, after the discovery, or disclosure, what was the discovery then? Followed by many, trickled, it was trickled out. Disclosure over four years, a little over four years trickled out. And that man, I had to really work hard to not hold back bitterness in my heart against you, but just be firm in my boundaries and to say you know what? I don't want to be around you If you're going to lie to me, this is, this is just I'm. You know, I'm going to move the she shack and sleep on the couch, whatever. I'm just not going to, whatever I'm just not going to. This is not happening. And the rumination of how you have treated me for our marriage, withholding information, all the stuff that comes with withholding information, all the stuff that comes with addiction right, all the stuff that comes with hiddenness, and that I had pretty much silently divorced you. If you will, in my heart I had divorced you. Now that I don't know that I would equate that to resentment, know that I would equate that to resentment. But I knew that our marriage was poopy, it was just, and I couldn't do enough, be enough, say enough to make it work. So that's that's where I had landed at the time.
Speaker 1:And then, after the many disclosures and the continued little bombs here and there, death by a thousand stab wounds right is what I think Michelle May's call says is oh my gosh, says is oh my gosh. I started I would then go to I was resenting you. I was resenting being lied to repeatedly. I was resenting that I was not being communicated with, that you continued to focus on me being a sinner and what I wasn't doing right, and so I think I did build some resentment in there. I don't think I'm just going to go out there and confess that I did, because I've confessed it to my coach and my counselor and we've worked through those things and learning to that to stay on my side of the street and to not Attempt to control, I think I think sometimes resentments can build if we're manipulating and if we're a controlling person and the other person won't succumb and be controlled by us. I think resentments can build that way.
Speaker 1:And, man, I want to say that's where I was, because you were not. I didn't know what the heck boundaries were until I got into a great group. I got a really good coach and counselor and then started learning what healthy boundaries were. And I still you know it's a struggle, it's a struggle, but I am so much stronger than I was. I'm so much stronger than I was, but the I resented that you weren't getting better, I think, is what I was resenting. It was I don't know, it was weird. It was as if you just could lie without. It's the darndest thing that you could just pop out a lie, like a burp, you know, like it was something natural, some natural bodily function, that like blinking or taking a breath, and it I'm just. I don't know if that's resentment or if that's just anger at injustice, but I would say that I had resentments in there and I continue to work through that and work on those things so that I'm not resentful Because it does. I read that it can affect you neurologically. Oh, absolutely.
Speaker 1:There's actual physical ramifications. I mean think about the stress on our bodies. So I'll hush it up. Go ahead, john.
Speaker 2:Oh no, you're riffing greatly.
Speaker 1:Riffing it.
Speaker 2:John Bevere wrote the Bait of Satan. Yeah, it's a riffing it, but you know john bevere wrote the bait of satan. Yeah, right good book and I mean ultimately, that is the. I mean, I'm the guy that over spiritualizes right so this is a I'll get you. I'll raise my hand well, we have to always remember that, as believers, we're in a battle. It is not just you and me in the room. There are unseen forces at war attempting to destroy us, and we had a conversation just the other day about prepping for this recording session, and it was less than five minutes.
Speaker 2:And all of a sudden we're in an argument in less than five minutes of starting the conversation, and it's like.
Speaker 1:What about intense discussion? Okay, semantics there was a disagreement. There you go.
Speaker 2:Right Based on some communication, Right, yes, and Craig Hill man. He talks a lot about it in Two Fleas and no Dog. Craig Hill man, he talks a lot about it in Two Fleas and no Dog. The arms dealer, right. There's always a third party in the conversation trying to mess up the communication flow and I say something and you hear something different.
Speaker 2:You say something and I hear something different. You say something and I hear something different. I miss a word, I miss a phrase, I miss something, you miss something, and that one thing reinterprets the whole conversation. And all of a sudden, it's a fight and and it's on us as as couples, as individuals, to be diligent to listen. And man, um, I'll confess to the handful of y'all listening that I suck at that most of the time, and so I'm. That is an area that I'm working to improve.
Speaker 1:I'll validate that on both.
Speaker 2:On both things. Yes, the more that I can stay zeroed in to clarifying, especially if I sent something off. Like if I hear something and it all of a sudden makes me want to fight, I'm like, wait a minute, did I hear that right? And most of the time I didn't. It was an old wound, it was. I didn't hear the whole thing. I heard some of it, but not all of it, because I might not have been paying attention at the beginning of what you were saying or you know Anyway.
Speaker 1:Speaking to that, kurt Thompson says in Anatomy of the Soul he makes this statement that what you just said, what you pay attention to, is what you will remember, and what you remember is what you will anticipate in the future. Holy balls, wow. Future holy balls, yeah, wow. What you pay attention to is what you will remember, and what you remember is what you will anticipate in the future and that's solomon said that a long time ago. We find what we're looking for oh sure, one up me with this bible, thing, no I?
Speaker 2:I'm saying that you're exactly right. I love the Bible.
Speaker 1:I love it. I love Solomon's words.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but if I'm looking for you to offend me, I'll be able to draw something out of you, something innocent that you say or do that I can be offended over, if I'm expecting that from you Okay.
Speaker 1:So, thinking about this, what you pay attention to, this statement that he makes in relationship to betrayal and betrayal trauma, what you pay attention to. So, on the outset of betrayal, we are on heightened alert as the betrayed spouse Right. So we just had a bomb. It's like the storms that came through the other day. Oh my gosh, winds. I think there was a funnel, it hasn't been determined, but anywho, not here nor there, but in Texas, you know that's what you get Winds. When I hear and we had prior notice that strong storms were coming to. You know about the timeframe be on alert. However, my phone, for some reason, I stick it, I silence it and then stick it on the charger and then I don't unsilence it and I don't hear the alerts. And there were alerts that were going out and I hear the wind going nuts and flapping stuff outside and, oh my goodness, I'm on heightened alert. My heart starts beating fast and I pay attention to that.
Speaker 1:And we have had a tornado come over. We've had a tornado pick up a hay bale at least a funnel literally pick it up and move it what 50, 75 feet and set it back down Perfectly intact. It twisted off the top of a cedar tree in our front pasture, picked it up, flipped it the other way and set it back down. Set it back down, and I remember those things. And so when the wind starts picking up, when I see dark clouds, when that eerie purplish looking OMG, is this a tornado coming? We get those big squall lines coming. I remember these past things and so I anticipate what's about to happen. Oh no. And then I'm pulling up the weather app, I'm turning on tvs and you can, you'll attest to that. That's what I do. I'm watching weather, I am on alert.
Speaker 2:Unplugging electronics, that's right.
Speaker 1:Well, we got struck by lightning. Oh my gosh, I don't know how many things up in here.
Speaker 2:A lot. That was an expensive lightning strike. It was.
Speaker 1:The hail, I mean. So what you pay attention to is what you will remember, and what you pay attention to is what you will remember, and what you remember is what you will anticipate in the future. Sometimes that's good and I think, on the betrayal side, because we're talking about resentments and I don't want to you think that's negative.
Speaker 2:I don't.
Speaker 1:What if resentments could be a protection mechanism? What if they are a protective mechanism in us that all of a sudden we're on heightened alert? We've been lied to a gazillion times. We've had all this lack of communication. There's hiddenness, unresolved conflict out the waltuza, unmet needs. I expect you to hold to your word when you say I'm in it, a thousand percent, I'll do whatever, and then I ask for a full disclosure. You're like well, wait a second. Well, not that I almost anything. Could it be that at times and maybe resentment's not the right word for it, but it acts as a protection that preserves. And here's what and the reason I say this is psychology today did a they have an article your Brain on Resentment and they talk about the neurological level, how things, the parasympathetic, sympathetic parts of our brain, and how they're activated in that. And they had four little bullet points. Had four little bullet points. One of them said resentment acts as a protection, preserving a fighting spirit and preventing the collapse associated with PTSD.
Speaker 1:Now I will say I believe I wasn't diagnosed. I believe I had PTSD. I think I had complex PTSD. However, this, this, call it resentment. That that's what held me together. I can call it God as well the Holy Spirit.
Speaker 1:But there was this fight in me. I had to still run a business. I had to still. We had still running ranch. There was COVID was on coming up not long after we had lost a niece. Suddenly there were so many things, just ding-da-ding-da-ding-da-ding. One of our kids was had all of this hidden.
Speaker 1:And if I didn't have I'll call it an edge this edginess about me to just basically put my arm out and hold you at arm's length and say, no, sir, you stop there. No, sir, you stop there. And that is it. I don't think that's resentment. I think that I think it's. I wouldn't call it wisdom necessarily, but it's a protective mechanism in me.
Speaker 1:Now, if I stay in that state and stay thinking you know whatever you know, thinking you're this and that and other, and the thought I had was he's never going to change. I said that to you a lot. I said it out loud. I did not keep that one in. That was my outside voice speaking yeah, he's just not going to get it. Oh my gosh, did the porn mess his brain up? Did all the alcohol mess his brain up? Is he on drugs? Do I smell? Is that a skunk? Oh my gosh man, we're coming into skunk season. That's oh my gosh man, we're coming into skunk season. You know things like, things like that. So I know that's a lot, that's a lot, but say on on any any, all none. You know I'm doing a lot of talking. You had to cover for me last time because of my tooth.
Speaker 2:Well, resentment, I mean in the context of all of that, there are things that there are things that that we fight for and we fight with and the you know, the faith that we have, the, the convictions that we have, those are things I think that we anchor in to fight back, that we can get our footing, and sometimes the in to fight back, that we can get our footing.
Speaker 2:And sometimes there is a piece of us that I think says I'm not going to be like so and so or I'm not going to go down this way. You mentioned that I'm not going down this way. I don't think that's fueled by resentment. I'm not going down this way. I don't think that's fueled by resentment. I mean, I would maybe disagree with the findings that that's resentment, that's doing those things. I think it's something bigger than we are that we're holding on to, on to, I think, absolutely the more we focus on those hurts and slights and real injuries, right, All of the above and it can be and again, I want to globalize a little bit for everybody that might be listening that resentments don't just come through betrayal, that might be listening that resentments don't just come through betrayal. They come through everyday life, through not putting the seat down or or not put, taking the pod out of the coffee maker or any number of things.
Speaker 1:Those are teeny tiny things, they are.
Speaker 2:They are squeezing the toothpaste from the bottom or the middle.
Speaker 1:Well, that's why you have yours and I have mine. Exactly, but I'm saying resentments come for all of us, even the dishes in the sink overnight.
Speaker 2:Resentments. There are always opportunities for us to hold on to an offense, and whether it's a big one or a small one and we're talking about some really big ones on this episode but I want to globalize it a little bit to say, look go, grab John Bevere's book there are always opportunities for us to pick these offenses up and I will tell you from experience they are hard to put down. Once you pick them up and you get comfortable with them, they are harder and harder to put down and it takes radical forgiveness to do that. That's the only cure. And that's a hard journey because I want somebody to pay Me too, Right, and I have to remember and be confronted with the fact that somebody already did pay.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2:Well.
Speaker 1:Jesus paid the ultimate price for our sins. We, though, we pay the price here on the earth for the injustice that's done against us. I've paid a heavy price.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, we have to eat the consequences. Yeah, that's what forgiveness is. Absolutely, we have to eat the consequences. Yeah, that's what forgiveness is. Right, it's canceling the debt.
Speaker 1:And that releases us. It doesn't release you from what you did. It doesn't say that it's okay. And this is a whole other podcast, because I already have a whole other yeah on the forgiveness side of things. So I'm going to ask you is it okay if I ask you a couple questions? We're at 35 minutes already.
Speaker 2:Oh, wow, okay.
Speaker 1:I want to ask you you can take a couple minutes on this, and maybe we'll hit it in the next episode as well. When does a thought become a sin? Does a thought become a sin? Does?
Speaker 2:a thought become a sin. If it's a sinful thought, I mean, let's take something easy like lust, right?
Speaker 1:Unagi, I was thinking the same word.
Speaker 2:Okay, that's easy right, because I can be confronted with a lustful thought. Right Again, we have an enemy. Right, there's a whole history of images and whatever that are there, so I can be confronted with that and that's not a sin.
Speaker 2:But the minute that I allow that to take root when I accept the seed. That's when the sin begins, gotcha. So I get the thought. I reject the thought no sin. I get the thought. I savor the thought. I reject the thought no sin, I get the thought. I savor the thought, I roll it around in my mind.
Speaker 1:That's where I'm sinning, gotcha. Yeah, and I agree with that, absolutely. I agree with that. So then my next and last question, final question, is is it just another bad day?
Speaker 2:Long pause. It is well, there's two sides to that. There are two sides to that. There are two answers to that.
Speaker 1:One is there is value in having trusted people that you can open your heart to and pour out these resentments. Sometimes Sins is my, because you just claimed it as, or you just said a minute ago that, if I roll it around, absolutely, then yeah, it's a sin so yeah, and I think these resentments are sinful oh yeah, absolutely so there's, I mean, I would agree so there's there's, there's value.
Speaker 2:and I mean again, james, you know, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can be healed.
Speaker 1:And so when If you're actually confessing hey, I mean, I had this, thought, I have this, you know and are repentant, but if you're going off on the character of another human being and you're slandering that person, that's not confessing a sin.
Speaker 2:My two cents Fair enough and when you have that person that you can have that level of conversation with and they call you on it and it leads you to repentance. That's the way that's helpful and healthy. When you don't, when you keep it inside and dwell on it and harbor it and allow it to fester and affect your attitude, that's unhealthy, that's sinful.
Speaker 1:And man. This leads to a whole other episode, which will not be the next one, but maybe the next one down the road is define repentance. And if you're confessing this same thing over and, over and over again and they're calling you on it, where's repentance? Because repentance, in my understanding, is turning away from and not continuing in those thought processes, in those same patterns. So that's a discussion for a whole otherher time because we are at our time limit. Sorry, that's okay. No, you're right, that opens up a whole nother hour of conversation potentially.
Speaker 1:We can hit that in this next, maybe this next one.
Speaker 2:Coming down the pike at least.
Speaker 1:That's right. Well, thanks y'all for joining us. We appreciate you being here with us, and until next time, God bless. Thank you for taking the time to listen today. Remember you are more than what happened to you. We'd be honored to come alongside and guide you on your healing journey. Connect with us at wwwhurtmeetshealercom. Until next time, God bless.
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