Hurt Meets Healer Podcast
Hurt people, hurt people. Are you ready to work through the pain of your past? Healing is possible! Join us on our healing journey, a journey to freedom, where you'll get straight truth from genuine people.
We use our story and experience to help others walk through the trauma of intimate betrayal. This is raw and real talk from average people who are walking the path of healing.
Kim is a Certified Professional Mentor™ through BraveHearts University, and a Certified Christian Life Coach through the Board of Christian Life Coaching.
Hurt Meets Healer Podcast
Solving vs. Fixing: Can Broken Relationships Be Repaired?
Perhaps most powerfully, we challenge the notion that broken relationships should be "restored" to their previous state. Instead, we advocate for building something entirely new - a relationship founded on honesty, transparency and authentic connection rather than attempting to recreate what was fundamentally flawed.
This episode offers hope through realism - acknowledging the difficulty of relationship repair while providing practical insights on working together through issues that may never completely disappear. Whether you're navigating infidelity, addiction, or simply feeling disconnected, these principles apply to anyone seeking deeper, more authentic connection.
Join us at www.hurtmeetshealer.com to continue your healing journey. Remember, transformation happens gradually as we submit to growth and change - not through quick fixes, but through the patient work of becoming.
Thank you for listening! For more information about us and the services we offer, visit www.hurtmeetshealer.com.
Intro & Outro music written, performed, and produced by Kim Capps.
This podcast is for informational purposes only and should not be considered legal, medical, or professional advice. The views expressed by the Host or any Guest(s) are strictly their own and in no way constitute legal, medical, or professional advice.
Copyright ©️ 2025, Hurt Meets Healer, LLC. All rights reserved.
Kim Capps. That was created to help individuals and couples who are walking through the devastating impact of sexual addiction and infidelity. Thanks for joining me today and welcome y'all. I can't believe we are starting and doing episode 16. You believe that? Welcome, john.
Speaker 2:And people are actually downloading it. I won't say listening, but at least it shows that y'all are downloading it.
Speaker 1:Right, bless your hearts. Oh, my goodness, I hope. No, I really do hope that it is providing you some kind of benefit as you hear us walk this difficult journey of healing and, hopefully, toward restoration. I'm still iffy on that word, because I don't want something restored, I want to build new, and we talked about that last episode which, speaking of last episode, we ended with asking a question do we have the powerty? Powerty, that would be the combination of the words power and authority. There you go, that's a new one. Are you listening, merriam-webster? That's a new word for you. Powerty, anywho, authority. Power and authority to fix another person, why or why not? Who authority? Power and authority to fix another person, why or why not? And well, I also ask another question does God fix us? That's a big one. Does God fix us? On that? And just to give a little background, we talked about because this is Solving vs Fixing Part 2, since we obviously have not gotten our act together to solve or fix and Julie Gottman in the Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work.
Speaker 2:their research shows that 69%, according to their research, of marriage problems are unsolvable.
Speaker 1:Whoa holy moly.
Speaker 2:So it's not about actually a permanent solution. It's about learning how to work together on the issue that likely will never be solved.
Speaker 1:Wow, wow, work together on the issue. Okay, I'm going to put a pin in that for just a minute and give the definitions here of solving and fixing, just to catch everybody up If you didn't, if you haven't listened to the past episodes and this is your first time joining us. So solving often implies addressing a problem at its root, finding a resolution that brings understanding I love that word Clarity or closure. It's like untangling a knot you work through it step by step until it's undone. And in relationships, solving a dispute might mean digging into the underlying issues miscommunication, hurt feelings or unmet needs and coming to a mutual agreement or insight that prevents the problem from reoccurring. It's proactive and collaborative. Oh, working together right there, aiming for a lasting outcome. The fixing as I'm thinking about it is more like patching something up, repairing damage just enough to keep things functional. It's like putting a bandage on a wound without treating the infection beneath. In a relational context, fixing might involve a quick apology or compromise to smooth things over, but it doesn't always address the deeper cause. It can be more about restoring the status quo than transferring the situation or transforming the situation, and I actually have a live in-house example of that.
Speaker 1:I recently had pain in my left cheek-ish teeth, cheek and teeth area In my nose, the like below my eye, kind of going down into almost all the way down to my chin, back to my ear. And so I thought, oh my gosh, I have either broke a tooth, I've cracked the filling of something, my crown. I broke my crown like humpty dumpty. And so I went to my dentist and she did all the tests I mean was so thorough did x-rays, tested tap, tap, tap on the tooth, did the cold test. Nothing was sending me through the roof like something was wrong with the tooth. And so she, you know, just quizzically said, you know, I think you have a sinus infection, and put me on amoxicillin. And so I took that round. It cleared up a little bit, it helped a little bit. It didn't completely clear whatever was going on in there. It didn't completely clear whatever was going on in there. And so I called my primary care and did a visit with him and he prescribed a stronger antibiotic and a steroid Did that, went through all of that. So now it's two rounds of antibiotics plus a steroid and that helped actually quite a bit. It was still something, was still not right, but most of the pain. I wasn't crying at night, I mean, I could sleep, I can rest, and you know, most of the discomfort was was alleviated.
Speaker 1:And, by the way, my dentist told me she says if it's an infection, I won't be able to see it until it gets pretty bad. I won't be able to see anything. And I was like, what do you mean? You can't see anything? Like, oh well, okay, whatever you say. So about what? Two weeks after that second round, because I was already a month and a half into antibiotics and all that stuff and it flared up. And it seemed to always do this on the weekends, go figure. So back I go to my dentist. This time she could see more x-rays, more tapping, and it was just so painful. And this time she could see the beginnings, or I say the beginning, she could actually see something in there and she said I don't touch these things, I'm going to send you to a specialist. Now imagine that she was staying in her lane. I don't do this to get in to see this surgeon. I guess the roof, whatever was going on up in there, it abscessed into the roof of my mouth. It became this huge welt for all I get.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it looked almost like a boil.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was so uncomfortable, it's so painful, and well in process, though my dentist had put me on another round of antibiotics. So here I am on the third round of antibiotics I had just I think I had finished the antibiotic maybe the day before, or I had finished finished it and it had flared up before I could get to the oral surgeon. So I'm going to the oral surgeon with this blown up thing in my mouth and in just severe pain and she's going to do a root canal. And she gets in there to do a root canal. And she gets in there, does her thing to attempt to get me numb where I'm not feeling anything, and I mean she put so much juice in me, the whole left side of my face. I thought, dear Lord, have I stroked? I know you're cracking up over there, john, and because my left eye wouldn't blink for several hours afterwards and it was weird, just weird anywho.
Speaker 1:So she starts the procedure and gets 80 done and she gets to a part that is just sending me through the roof and she stops and says is that hurting? Like uh, well, as much as I could say yes, with my mouth full of all that stuff. And she said you know, this is not supposed to hurt. And I fell in love with her right then and there because I've never been to a dentist or oral surgeon said this is not supposed to hurt. They're like a little stick, little sting. So she stops and she says you know, I'm at a good stopping point. Right now I can medicate from inside the tooth. And so she did that put a temp filling in, sent me home, scheduled me three weeks out to finish the root canal. It improved dramatically within what 24 hours it was.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the first couple of days it was markedly better.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm. It took a minute. It took about six, eight hours for the pain to subside and they would not give any kind of strong pain medicine, which is fine. I probably wouldn't have taken it anyways. I just sucked it up. But I remember that night it was before I'd gotten to the oral surgeon just saying I just want to go in the back, just send me to the back pasture and let the fire ants eat me and the coyotes come and get me, because it hurt so dang bad and what they were treating. So I'd say all that to. I'll finish this up pretty quick.
Speaker 1:I went back, finished it up, the medication helped Four rounds of antibiotics she gave me another antibiotic, by the way. So four antibiotics, a root canal later and now it's still. I would say it's not 100%, but holy moly, it is. Wow, 85%, better. I still am very hesitant to chew on that side for a little bit. She said yeah, you're going to probably have to give it three months to really heal up. That's how bad it was in there. And I say that to give you the point that they put a fix on something that it didn't solve my problems. They were just putting a band-aid on. You know, here. Take this really a common antibiotic? That may may not work, you know addressing the symptoms and not the cause right because they couldn't see anything.
Speaker 1:They, you know, and I was to the point just go scan my head, do something. Something's not right up in there, and I wanted a solution. I wanted the pain to stop. When you find out that your significant other chose other women above you actually, and that's probably not even a true statement they chose themselves is what it is, and what they used was other women and me wanting to fix, I thought, when you begin to confess the trickle disclosures, there, it was okay. Now we have somewhere, we have a starting point that was my thinking is okay, we can do this, we can work together. Hey, now that we know what the problem is, now that you've and you didn't, though, but in my head you had admitted that you know you were a sex addict, but you hadn't yet but at the very beginning, that's how desperate I was for any kind of fix solution.
Speaker 2:I thought and I was mixing those two- Well, and to piggyback your analogy, I mean, it was medicating, it was addressing a symptom and not a cause.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2:And so a lot of the early stuff that we did and went through was more symptom-oriented than cause-oriented, and it wasn't until much later that, at least for me, I started being willing to dig into the root causes and sit in the pain of that, because nobody told me ever when I was in the chair that it's not supposed to hurt, right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, just can be a little pressure, but that's.
Speaker 2:I mean that's a great analogy because they went this whole different direction based on the symptoms they were able to observe and you were able to articulate, and it was the opposite direction from where it needed to be right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think you have a sinus infection. Uh, no, you have a major. I don't know what we still are questioning. It was some massive infection yeah, it was an abscess.
Speaker 1:That we did. Yeah. So I have a question. That brought up a question for me At the beginning of our journey. Well, golly, if we start at the beginning, we'd have to go back to our honeymoon. But at the beginning of this, the most recent discovery disclosure, which has been nearly six years now, what was the block for you that? Let me see if I can get this articulated in an understandable way. What was yeah, I want to say block? What was the block for you in finding resolution, in being willing to sit in the chair and endure the pain of finding out?
Speaker 2:what the heck Because I wanted to fix it. I didn't want to solve it. Say more Well.
Speaker 1:What did that involve fixing in your mind?
Speaker 2:making it well, making the pain stop, making you know, getting getting over everything. Uh, and I think you mentioned it earlier um, you know, putting a band-aid on it and moving on rather than sitting in it and letting the infection bleed out, and understanding the root cause of it and going through all the pain involved in opening up the wounds and letting them heal, and I just had no clue. I wasn't willing to hear people telling me what the process was.
Speaker 1:So there were people telling you. So you did have a clue. I just want to clear, I want to make sure I'm hearing you right. You said I had no clue.
Speaker 2:I didn't have a clue. There were people that were trying to give me a clue, but I wasn't willing to hear them.
Speaker 1:Okay, that makes sense, yeah.
Speaker 2:But I didn't know how to fix it. I mean, I had been failing at fixing it for a long time, and so I sorry to interrupt if you didn't know how.
Speaker 1:What was the purpose in trying to, you know, grabbing your little medical kit and pulling out all sizes of your band-aids and going oh there's this, no, that's not going to work. Oh wait, wait, wait, oh wait. Get the neosporin. Wait, get the Bactine. Oh, mercurochrome monkey blood.
Speaker 2:Let's do that Because I wanted it to be fixed, but I just didn't know how and I was too proud to listen to anybody else teach me or coach me on how. I didn't want to look at myself, I didn't want to be the problem or even, at some points, didn't even want to be part of the problem.
Speaker 1:Wow so it was up so many questions, john it was, but it was, I mean it was.
Speaker 2:you know, some days that was the big deal, is you know? I don't want, I just want this to be over, and so I wasn't willing to listen to all of the steps involved to make it begin to heal.
Speaker 1:So then what? Would have been the reason for, like I watched you read books, we went to counseling, we went to really good counseling. Why go through that then? What was the point?
Speaker 2:Well, because I wanted, and still desire our relationship to be what I think it can be, what my dreams for it are. And you know, there's just been seasons along the way that I wasn't willing to own my part, I wasn't willing to do the work, and you know it's. I knew that there was stuff that needed to be done, but it was this roller coaster of I'm ready to do it, I'm not ready to do it. Maybe there's another way. And I do have the paralysis by analysis issue at times as well where I overanalyze or, to use another word, overthink things.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm, I will absolutely confirm on that one.
Speaker 2:And I have trust issues.
Speaker 1:Absolutely confirm on that one and I have trust issues and so some of the advice that I would hear or read, I just didn't trust. That baffles me. So then, how would you expect to repair or find a solution if you weren't trusting the people giving solutions?
Speaker 2:That's a fair question, and that was the conundrum that I was stuck in for a long time is I want the help, but I'm not necessarily willing to receive it all the time.
Speaker 1:I am Wow, I'm baffled by that. If a person so desperately wants things to improve and get better in a relationship and I remember you saying I'll do whatever it takes, I'll do whatever it takes, I'll do whatever, those words just ring in my head. If that was the case or is the case what I ask this question a lot where's the block? Where was so? You're you're reading these books, um, you're getting, I thought, good counseling, um, and and I get trust issues. Absolutely, I don't have necessarily trust issues. I have issues trusting dishonorable people, untrustworthy people. That's how I will frame that. I don't have trust issues. I trust a lot of people. I do stand up for myself now and advocate, I think, a lot better than I ever have before. However, let me go back to what I was trying to ask, if you will, because I really want.
Speaker 1:There may be someone out there listening, there may be a wife, there may be a husband that just happened to play this particular episode. God has a very strange way of working and they have a block and they want a fix. They want their marriage to be healed and restored. I mean not restored, but built back, better, rebuilt, built on truth and honesty and intimacy and realness and realness. Have you discovered and are you willing to go into more detail in describing what was the true block back there? Okay, you have trust issues. Do you want to unpack that a little bit? Because if you don't trust the people who are giving you sound advice, what's the block on trusting them? Why didn't you trust them? He's thinking y'all, I'll play some music.
Speaker 1:He rolled his eyes and looked up.
Speaker 2:Yeah and great questions. The challenge is for me, the challenge was I would get information. I would attempt to apply the information. The results weren't what I was expecting the results to be from applying that information, and so I'm like, well, that doesn't work. And so it made me more and more skeptical.
Speaker 2:More and more skeptical and you know, later on I realized that my application was far from textbook and so and there were a lot of other issues in play that you know, the constant turmoil of deception and additional trickle-outs and all that. So, okay, I try this particular approach. I won't say strategy, but I try to apply some learning in communication or listening or whatever. And yeah, in a perfect world the outcome is different. But when you mix all the poupee into the cookie dough, it doesn't matter how good the rest of the batter is. It the more poopay you put into the dough, the worse the cookie is gonna be.
Speaker 2:And so and it took me a long time to realize that you know I'm my own worst enemy here long time to realize that you know I'm my own worst enemy here and none of this, none of the, none of the learning I hate to use the, I hate to use terms like techniques and strategies because that it just feels manipulative but the learning that I was attempting to achieve using different skill sets. I was never able to actually make the progress that I wanted to make personally and relationally because of all the other stuff. I was things from the mix. Then the skills that I'm working on improving and learning and growing in become more meaningful. The outcomes become more and more predictable and more like what was described in the teaching, whether it was from a counselor or from a book, and so I've grown in my willingness and ability to trust more. Does that make sense?
Speaker 1:Sure does, thank you, and I want to um, that opens up a whole another can of worms here. Uh on, so I have some more questions, so I feel a part three to this episode coming.
Speaker 2:It's possible. It is possible because my show notes we're not even halfway through there.
Speaker 1:So you said I don't like to use the word strategy or technique because it sounds manipulative. Were you attempting to just use strategies and techniques to manipulate the situation, would you say?
Speaker 2:No, no, that wasn't the case. It's just what I want to be careful about. Is some of those words, at least to me, no-transcript? That when you go to for sales strategies and techniques training, that's what they're training you to do is guide your client or your customer to a particular outcome? And what I'm attempting to do, and have been attempting to do, is acquire new skill sets in relating not strategies and techniques to fix or solve or control the situation. Does that make sense?
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:And so I'm very, very careful about the use of those because of their attachment to me.
Speaker 1:Now that makes sense. Now, that makes sense Because I think of. I like the word strategy and techniques, but I think about it as it relates to me and I'm not a salesperson, I don't, that's not my thing. Yeah, and I see a strategy as something I and techniques. Techniques because I'm an orderly person, as you know. I like it ABC, one, two, three in order and organized. That's how I can really comprehend things. And for me, strategy and techniques mean I can put a game plan together, not saying it's etched in stone and it's forever and ever amen, but a plan to become the best me that I can be. That's what I'm working on, but my relationships with others, I think, will flow out of me becoming the best me I can be and allowing God to really work in me.
Speaker 1:Going back to that first question that we asked does God fix us? And I would say I'm going to kind of meh. No, I'm going to kind of eh, meh. No, I'm going to go with a no, I don't think God fixes it. I think God gives us solutions and strategies and techniques, to use your words that you don't like very much and as we submit. To use your words that you don't like very much. And as we submit ourselves to His leadership and as our relationship and not our you and I, but my relationship with God, your relationship with God as we begin to trust Him, see Him and see Him working in and allow Him to work in and through us, then we become changed. I remember saying this a lot in our worship services pastor for many years, and I believe you cannot encounter the holy living God and not come away changed in some way, be it for the better or for the worse. You're either going to reject him or you're going to accept him. That's how God. God doesn't go here. I got a fix for you. Here you go. No, it's this continual. I've heard the word sanctification, you know where. Okay, that's a big old churchy word. I don't like it. I like it.
Speaker 1:I like thinking that God is so crazy in love with us that he gave his son to build that bridge. Because we had that severed relationship, there weren't enough bulls and sheep and goats and dove and whatever they were sacrificed, there's just not enough to atone for all of our sin, right. And so he had to make a way, and Jesus said I'll do it. And so he had to make a way and Jesus said I'll do it. And Jesus is the mediator between us and God. He is our salvation. He is the only way to God. God did that.
Speaker 1:He is, I believe, continually wooing us, pursuing us. I mean, he is the prime example of husbandry, of what do you do? You give your life for your bride and, as we see him and come to understand him, that that's what he does for us, we can then turn around and trust and love him back and serve him. And I really think that translates into our marriages, into our relationships, that as we see the person who hurt us the worst becoming different. And I think I would say from my I can only speak for me. I want to see different. And I think I would say for my I can only speak for me. I want to see different. You've heard me say that a lot. I don't want the same John Capps that showed up, oh my goodness, over 37, 38 years now ago. Yeah, I don't want that guy. I love that guy. I don't want to do relationship with him. I want different, I want something new. Does that make sense?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Does that put a little bit of a burden or a little bit of a hiccup in your giddy-up?
Speaker 2:burden or a little bit of a hiccup in your giddy-up. It's just information, it's.
Speaker 1:You know, it's stuff to be processed, just information.
Speaker 2:It is and I think, just like we've, you know, discovered many times that as we sit behind these microphones, we find out that where we think we might be really far apart on a topic, as we discuss it, we're way closer together than we initially thought and I think it seems to me like our thinking on this is exactly on, even though our terminology around it is different. Right, and for me, in a relationship scenario, I don't want to think about strategies and techniques. I want to think about the skills and becoming skilled in communicating and skilled in observing and pursuing and loving, not exercising strategies and techniques for that.
Speaker 1:So again, same Well, you just blew my next episode up because we're going to discuss some skills or some techniques.
Speaker 2:Well, and again, I think it's just language.
Speaker 1:Well and again.
Speaker 2:I think it's just language it's. I can hear you say strategies and techniques and I can interpret that for me as skills and I'm not worried if you say that. But for me, if I'm thinking in terms of strategies and techniques, I have a definite outcome that I'm searching for and I'm utilizing strategies and techniques to guide the situation toward that outcome.
Speaker 1:Sure.
Speaker 2:And I don't want to do that in our relationship. It feels to me, it feels controlling, and I've spent enough of my life doing that and I'm just not going to do that anymore.
Speaker 1:I mean.
Speaker 2:I'm going to work to not do that anymore.
Speaker 1:Thank you. I appreciate that because I will push back, as you have experienced many, many times. So thanks for that, thanks for the good discussion today and, as we close out, y'all, just remember it's a process, y'all, we are in process. We are continually working towards loving God and loving others and that's, I believe, what we're called to do. Not solve necessarily or fix anybody else. The Gottmans in their big old study a lot of the problems we'll never solve, but can we work together? You know what? Stay tuned, because our next episode episode we're going to talk about resolving disputes in relationships. And, uh, can it happen? What do you think it can? All right, well, then I'll see you next time on the other side of the microphone, john all righty thanks y'all for joining us and until next time, take care.
Speaker 1:Thank you for taking the time to listen today. Remember you are more than what happened to you. We'd be honored to come alongside and guide you on your healing journey, and guide you on your healing journey. Connect with us at wwwhurtmeetshealercom. Until next time, god bless.
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