Hurt Meets Healer Podcast

Trust is Built on Actions, Not Words: The Follow-Through Effect

• Kim Capps • Season 1 • Episode 18

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Follow-through turns the theory of solving problems into practical reality in relationships, serving as the critical component that transforms intentions into actions and maintains trust. We explore why consistent follow-through demonstrates reliability and respect—two essential elements for any relationship to thrive, especially those recovering from betrayal trauma.

• Understanding follow-through as "pressing on in an activity to a conclusion" rather than just making promises
• Examining how betrayal changes brain chemistry, creating trauma responses similar to substance withdrawal
• Recognizing that childhood experiences influence our ability to follow through as adults
• Learning the six steps of effective follow-through: clarity on commitments, planning, taking action, checking progress, consistency, and owning mistakes
• Prioritizing small, consistent steps over grand, one-time gestures when rebuilding trust
• Accepting that healing is a process requiring grace for ourselves and others when we inevitably make mistakes

We root for your healing journey and encourage you to take what's useful from these ideas while discarding what doesn't resonate with your situation. Connect with us at www.hurtmeetshealer.com


Thank you for listening! For more information about us and the services we offer, visit www.hurtmeetshealer.com.

Intro & Outro music written, performed, and produced by Kim Capps.


This podcast is for informational purposes only and should not be considered legal, medical, or professional advice. The views expressed by the Host or any Guest(s) are strictly their own and in no way constitute legal, medical, or professional advice.
Copyright ©️ 2025, Hurt Meets Healer, LLC. All rights reserved.

Speaker 1:

Kim Capps ministry that was created to help individuals and couples who are walking through the devastating impact of sexual addiction and infidelity. Thanks for joining me today. Hey y'all, and welcome back. Welcome back, I'm Kim Capps, your host today, and usually John's sitting beside me, but today he is taking the day off. Somehow our schedules didn't mesh up and so I need to get a couple of these recorded and I am soloing it out today.

Speaker 1:

The last couple of episodes we've been discussing solving versus fixing, couple episodes we've been discussing solving versus fixing, and today I want to talk about follow-through. I think, just if you look at solving and fixing and you don't look at follow-through, you're leaving one huge piece of the puzzle out, almost like the completion of it. And Merriam-Webster says this it's a verb, it's to press on in an activity or process, especially to a conclusion, wow, to a conclusion. And I think now just please hear me, it's just Kim thinking here, it's my beliefs. My thinking here is that in relationships, follow through is so, so important. I think it could be the glue that turns intentions into actions and keeps trust intact. So when we're solving or fixing something, whether it's a conflict, a broken dynamic or a practical issue, talking about solutions is just the starting point. Follow-through is what my dad would say, where the rubber meets the road. Follow-through is what makes those solutions real. It's the commitment to actually do what you've agreed on or promised, whether that's changing a behavior, showing up for a tough conversation or tackling a shared problem step by step. And without follow-through, solving you can't see me, but I'm air quoting that word. Solving stays theoretically, words pile up, but nothing shifts.

Speaker 1:

I liken it to going to an architect and having him draw a blueprint of this beautiful home, everything you've dreamed of, and he puts everything in there, everything you can think of, just beautiful, but you never build the house. You spend money, you spend time and effort, you hire this person to create the blueprint for everything you want, everything you've dreamed of in this home, and then you never follow through and build the home. And on the opposite side of that consistent follow-throughthrough, like I would say on the positive side of it, um, the consistent follow-through shows reliability and respect, which I believe are the oxygen for any relationship. If, if one person keeps dropping the ball, trust erodes. If one person pontificates and oh, just, I promise, making these big, fluffy promises and doesn't follow through uh, doesn't follow through man, that that it's almost as if they're lying to you to, in my opinion, that I'm getting, I'm being lied to and I don't like that and and it makes me feel like I'm carrying this relationship load by myself. I'm I it well like I'm doing the podcast today solo and fixing something like a recurring argument. A past hurt needs both, and so it takes both people in that relationship to act, not just sit there and stare or nod along like you understand and agree with, even if you don't agree. So, for example. So let's just give an example here If you agree to listen, more follow through means actively doing it in the next conversation, not just saying that you will.

Speaker 1:

And when I talk about listening, especially with my clients, even with John, back and forth, it's listening to gain understanding, listening with curiosity, hearing what your partner is saying that hurts them. And if you've been married for any length of time, especially decades, john and I are coming up on our 36th wedding anniversary, decades, john and I are coming up on our 36th wedding anniversary and so we've been married. I've been married to John longer than I was single by almost 50%, holy moly, that just hit me, wow. Actually, by more than 50%, because I'm still very young, okay, a little off base there, but listening to gain understanding. So it's, it's doing it and proving it out. I have. I took the nike slogan prove it, and those are my two words that I say a lot is. When someone says I'll do X, y, z and they have been a sketchy individual in my past I will just say, okay, prove it, I'm going to. I'm going to observe and watch, because it's so much less about these big grand gestures and more about small, steady proof that you mean what you say, that it is important for you to complete whatever you promised you were going to do, because relationships don't thrive on intent. They don't thrive on well I'll say intent alone. They have to have the follow-through muscle to hold them up. They have to have the follow-through muscle to hold them up.

Speaker 1:

And for me, I think it's important that we understand what the impact emotional, psychological impact betrayal has had on someone when looking at problem solving and follow-through. There's grief. You got to go through the stages of grief and that's cyclical. It's not a once and done thing. There's a book out there the Body Keeps the Score, and in that book they did so many studies that showed how adverse childhood experiences show up in us as we continue to grow in age. And if we do not take care of those things, if we choose to not care for ourselves and get some help, get a counselor, get a coach, get a mentor, get someone to walk beside you those things will plague us for the rest of our lives and that's been proven out over and over and over again scientifically. So let's just take a few minutes and look at the emotional impact of betrayal. As we're discussing this follow through, and maybe there could be some blockages in the betrayer side that could prevent them from follow through and it could be that they have some childhood experiences from follow-throughing and it could be that they have some childhood experiences they're called ACEs adverse childhood experiences that they haven't dealt with yet. So right now we're going to look at the betrayed partner and what the emotional impact betrayal has had on them, had on them and the list is long. It can get very confusing at times, so I'm going to keep it simple and just basically hit four things Chronic anxiety, post-traumatic stress, depression and mistrust of others. Dennis ortman. Dr dennis ortman describes the trauma response to discovering a partner's affair as post-infidelity stress disorder, pisd, which sounds like pissed to me, which, wow, imagine that we are and that can include symptoms consistent with post-traumatic stress.

Speaker 1:

The rejection caused by infidelity can also disrupt brain pathways, leading to changes in brain chemistry, and they have done studies on these. They've done scans before. After I heard a lady on a podcast say and she was telling the story of her brain scan that she went not long after she had discovered her husband's affair and had her brain scanned and there were all these spots and she went to a very highly respectable brain specialist and then she's gone through recovery and healing and went back to see what the changes were, to see what the changes were, and she found, interestingly enough, absolutely there were brain chemistry changes. There were actual physical, physiological changes in her brain from the trauma of betrayal. Now here's the hope as she did her healing and work to heal, so did her brain. Is it going to be back to 100%? I don't know the answer to that. It wasn't, as of the latest scan, that had been done and so it's. These changes is what Dr Ortman says, the changes in brain chemistry that are similar to withdrawal and substance use disorder. So the rejection, this kind of, blew me out of the water here.

Speaker 1:

The rejection caused by infidelity can disrupt brain pathways, leading to changes in brain chemistry similar to withdrawal in substance use disorder. That is phenomenal to me and scary that someone would do this to another human being. That would cause this. And he defines partner betrayal trauma. It occurs when someone's trust is violated by a significant other and it can have a range of significant impacts on a person's life. That is fascinating to me. So emotional impact of betrayal is real, it happens and it can lead to all sorts of not only emotional distress but physical distress as well.

Speaker 1:

Another podcast and the. There's a highly, highly well-known doctor on there, uh, that specializes in brain care, and he was saying that our how we behave today If we have not or are not working on our trauma that happened as a child, how we show up today is a direct result of how we were impacted as children, and that kind of scared me a little bit. I went back to my childhood to think, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, yes, that's true and to grieve I still have a lot of things to work through from my childhood. I want to. I'll just shoot straight with y'all. I want to look back and go ah, I had a great childhood man. My parents were loving and caring and we just had so much fun. They listened to us and they heard our distress and they were complimentary and we never had any problems. Well, that's just unrealistic. However, I want to see it that way. However, I have to look at reality and go yeah, that's not how it was. My parents did the best they could with the knowledge that they had at the time and I grew up in the born in the late 60s, and grew up, you know, 70s, 80s.

Speaker 1:

It was a different, a different time. Then there was no internet, there was no cell phones, there weren't. All the technology wasn't available like we have today where I can hop on Google or pull my phone up, open Grok and just ask a question hey, what about this? It wasn't like that. It was harder to find information. It was harder to find trustworthy people. I say harder. Maybe there were obstacles in the way. Somehow they, I don't know. We all survived so far.

Speaker 1:

Well, we're surviving, and so I give them that what would hurt me and, I think, hurt my siblings, was the suppression of our emotions. We were not allowed to be happy, too happy. You can't be too happy and you can be sad. Or, oh my gosh, the big one was angry. It could not be. Angry was just bad, bad, bad Instead of digging into and being curious, and I think for me that created a chronic anxiety in me, a mistrust of others. I heard a lot children are to be seen and not heard. Man, that hurt me. Looking back, that hurt me. Not measuring up, not being able to make my bed correctly, and I get again.

Speaker 1:

My parents did the best that they knew how to do with the knowledge that they had at the time and how they were raised. And heck, talk to my kids. They probably tell you all sorts of stories about my anger and my lack of sympathy, empathy. Oh my goodness. Yeah, well, better. Yet, you know, don't talk to them. We don't need to open that can of worms. I take that back. We do need to open the can of worms. That's what these discussions are all about, because I want my kids to heal and I want to heal. I want John to heal and in order to do that, you have to peel that lid back.

Speaker 1:

I don't know if y'all ever ate a can of sardines. My dad loves sardines. I'm not a fan. I don't like the smell. I don't like fishy smells, I don't know what it is, just don't like it. So he would sit down and my sister would love to eat those with him and John, even back in the day, would eat sardines and our daughter would sit with him and eat them. Gosh, just thinking about them now. I'm going to try to not gag on air here. But they had this little key thing and you would stick it in and you just roll it back and slowly peel the lid back. That's what we have to do, guys. We got to get the key, stick it in the little flap there, get it hooked in. And it took some effort to open those sardine cans and start opening these cans to our past traumas so that we can walk out a healing journey, an honest, a clear healing journey.

Speaker 1:

So there are steps that are involved in follow-through and I want to walk you through these just real quick as information. Remember, take what you can and throw the rest away If nothing speaks to you. Hey, thanks for listening. These steps, steps involved in follow through there's six of them and they're based on communication, trust building, setting boundaries, consistency and commitment. So let's talk about these in the last few minutes of our time together today. Talk about these in the last few minutes of our time together today.

Speaker 1:

Follow through in relationships isn't just the once and done. It's not a single move, it's not checkmate we're done. It's a sequence that turn a plan or a promise into something tangible, into meaning. And here's how it breaks down Six steps. So number one clarity on the commitment.

Speaker 1:

The very first thing is you need to know what you're signing up for. What is it that is being promised? I'll communicate better, or I'll do the dishes tonight, or I'll make the bed, or I'll mow the lawn. Pin down what, what's expected, because vagueness, vagueness doesn't work. It's vague. Intentions die fast. Specificity keeps you accountable and so, if you're unsure, ask questions. If John were to say to me I'll communicate better, I typically would ask back define better, what does better look like to you? If he's going to mow the lawn, I'll say define mowing. And we talked about this in a couple of episodes back when we were talking about vacuuming. We have different views, and that's great. Our differences is what attracts us to each other, and that's great. Our differences is what attracts us to each other. And so just get definitions of what it looks like, so that you're on the same page. You have to know what you're signing up for, what you're committing to, and there you go. So clarity on commitment.

Speaker 1:

Number two make a plan. And making a plan I'll give you. For instance, we've been attempting to schedule a anniversary trip somewhere and, oh my goodness, I hit planning fatigue. It just got so overwhelming. Making decision, decision fatigue where are we going to go? Well, we narrowed it down to three places and then we narrowed it down to the one. And then, where are we going to stay? Oh my goodness. And then what are we going to do when we get to where we're going to stay? And all the and I it, it just I got. I got decision fatigue and planning fatigue, and it just overwhelmed me.

Speaker 1:

And so, making a plan, break it into doable chunks. So you know, narrow down, say it's rebuilding trust is what you're wanting to do. Map out what happens first. So maybe it's just as simple, as I'm going to check in. I'm going to check in every day with you. I'm going to check in and ask you how your day is, and then, hopefully, you'll ask how my day is and we can talk about that. We can talk about, okay, what does tomorrow look like? Where am I going to be? What am I going to do? All that stuff? And? Or? Well, I think it's a, it's not a, or it's a.

Speaker 1:

And owning, when you mess up small steps, I will say this from experience small, consistent steps beat these grand promises and these grand um, I call them pontifications. And my next point on this is write it down. Write it down. If it's not written down, it's just a wish. So, number one clarity on the commitment.

Speaker 1:

Number two make a plan and break that plan into doable chunks. You know, start small, start small. I've had to make changes in my health and I'm choosing, instead of to go, I'm going to do all of this all at once. No, I'm choosing to do one thing at a time, one step at a time. Take one small move, do that for a week or two and then build on that, add the next thing that I'm going to do and then build on that. Number three take action. Holy balls, y'all. Take action. This is the doing part. Action, this is the wrong action. And I was going holy moly that, yeah, that makes sense, because I have said many times I'm going to get up, I'm going to walk a mile? No, I'm not. I like to sit in bed and drink my coffee. So I need to change that to okay. You know what I can walk? I can walk on my walking pad while I'm doing some schoolwork, while I sit and watch YouTube videos and listen to podcasts. Why can't I walk while I'm doing that? Well, I can. So I'm going to take action and do that.

Speaker 1:

If you make a promise, if you make the commitment step number one you've made the plan and you fail to take action. Boy, that is a huge cause for distrust, huge cause for distrust. So, start right away. It doesn't have to be perfect. Progress over perfection. Remember, healing is a process, it's not a project. So, if you said you'd listen more, put your phone down when you're talking to your spouse, look into each other's eyes, eyes.

Speaker 1:

Action doesn't wait for the perfect mood. I think we want the perfect setting the sun setting in the west, a slight breeze comes across, the temperature is the perfect springtime temperature. Oh guys, there's no perfect moment and no perfect mood, it's just showing up. You have to show up now, not later. Later is too late, you miss the boat. So, number one clarity on the commitment. Number two make a plan. Number three take action. Number four check the progress. Let's pause and see if it's working. Are you seeing a difference in your spouse? Are they sticking to it? Are you feeling the difference? Maybe ask, hey, how are you experiencing this with me? Am I on track with what I committed to? And again, it's not about perfection, it's about progress, gaining momentum and adjust if you're off, because flexibility helps us. If we get so caught up in being perfect, we lose the ability to flex and bend, and I know this physically from experience that if, if I, I used to have to pull cable and I would be very high up in these, um, the ceilings of these big, huge warehouses, and if I had not been flexible, a lot of the time I would have fallen and instead it was just my drill or a tool, whatever I was using, that fell the 30, 40 feet down instead of me. Being flexible, not rigid, be willing to make adjustments. And the same with my health. I keep track, my doctor's keeping track. I want to know is what I'm doing working? And don't be afraid I'm telling I'm doing all these don'ts. I just want to encourage y'all. Don't be afraid I'm telling I'm doing all these don'ts. I just want to encourage y'all be proactive, face the fear and do it. Feel the fear and do it anyways. Feel the fear, check in, check the progress on how you're doing, how are you showing up to your partner? And then, number five stay consistent. One-off times, one-off efforts don't count, they just don't. That doesn't count as follow-through. It takes consistent behavior, consistent action over time, repeated action over time. If you say you're going to check in on a daily basis, check in on a daily basis. Doing it once does not. That's not what you agree to. It's consistency that builds the trust that words alone can't. And then, number six own the slip-ups, Own your failures. We are human and I just want to encourage you to allow yourself grace. We mess up because we are human. We don't get it perfect Again. Going back to number four and own it, own that. Hey, I messed up, I apologize. What I say to John is I cannot guarantee that I will not do that again, but I'm so sorry that I did that this time. It's not about accountability, is not about guilt. It's about keeping the chain unbroken. It's about keeping the trust momentum going, the rebuilding of trust, and keeping that momentum going. So follow through in relationships is not just this once and done, single move one time. Hey, I did it back in February, I'm good. That's not how it works. It takes steps involved, it takes consistency, and those six steps of clarity get clarity on what you're committing to Make a plan, take action, check the progress, check in on how you're doing, how you're being received, stay consistent and own the slip-ups. Own your mess-ups. It's okay. It's okay to be human, and it's okay to admit it and to say I'm sorry. And so each step really feeds the next. If you start with one, you start with. You know it goes. If you miss one, it's like that Jenga thing, or maybe a pyramid would be better, but the whole thing wobbles thing. Or maybe a pyramid would be better, but the whole thing wobbles. The progress on those well, just my opinion, and this will all be in the show notes as well, but clarity without action is empty, and action without consistency, it fades, and so it's a cycle. Remember, this is a cycle. It's not a finish line, and I promise, when you get through with working on one of these, one thing that you promise to follow through with, there's going to be something else. That's just how life is, and following through, though, is what makes relationships feel solid instead of shaky, and that's what we want in repairing our hurt and in repairing our broken relationships, especially after the trauma of, and the emotional impact of, sexual betrayal, and it is doubly, triply, quadruply harder when that type of betrayal happens, so I just want to encourage y'all to stay strong, keep the faith, work through these things. I'm just giving you some ideas here. Take what is useful to you and throw the rest away, and I appreciate you listening in. We root for y'all, we root for your healing, we love you and am praying for you, and until next time, y'all have a great day. Y'all have a great day. Connect with us at wwwhurtmeetshealercom. Until next time, god bless.

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Kim Capps

Host
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John Capps

Co-host