Hurt Meets Healer Podcast
Hurt people, hurt people. Are you ready to work through the pain of your past? Healing is possible! Join us on our healing journey, a journey to freedom, where you'll get straight truth from genuine people.
We use our story and experience to help others walk through the trauma of intimate betrayal. This is raw and real talk from average people who are walking the path of healing.
Kim is a Certified Professional Mentor™ through BraveHearts University, and a Certified Christian Life Coach through the Board of Christian Life Coaching.
Hurt Meets Healer Podcast
The Million Dollar, 3 Letter Word, part 2
The Ask vs. Assume Dilemma: How Your Communication Style Affects Trust
Could your communication style be silently eroding the foundation of your relationships? Dive into the fascinating world of asking versus assuming with us as we explore this deceptively simple yet profound dichotomy that shapes how we connect with others.
The fundamental difference between asking and assuming reveals itself in powerful ways: asking serves as an invitation, welcoming others into meaningful dialogue and shared experiences. It signals respect, consideration, and a genuine desire to understand. Assuming, however, operates from an entitlement mentality that bypasses authentic connection and often creates false narratives about others' thoughts, feelings, and intentions.
We unpack the surprising undercurrent of fear that often drives assumptions – not necessarily fear of the answer, but fear of challenging our own internal narratives about situations and relationships. This becomes particularly significant in contexts of addiction recovery and relationship healing, where assumptions can perpetuate harmful patterns while questions can pave pathways to growth.
The consequences of persistent assuming in relationships prove devastating: eroded trust, accumulated misunderstandings, and partners who feel systematically devalued and ignored. Most poignantly, being constantly assumed about rather than asked can strike at someone's very sense of worth, leaving them questioning their value in the relationship. By contrast, asking fosters openness, demonstrates care, and creates space for genuine connection.
For relationships healing from betrayal, the shift from assuming to asking represents a crucial element in rebuilding trust. The process requires vulnerability, humility, and consistent effort to challenge ingrained communication habits. Yet the potential rewards – deeper understanding, authentic connection, and renewed trust – make this journey essential for relationship healing.
Ready to examine your own communication patterns more closely? Subscribe now and join us next episode as we explore the common characteristics of people who tend toward assuming rather than asking in their relationships.
Thank you for listening! For more information about us and the services we offer, visit www.hurtmeetshealer.com.
Intro & Outro music written, performed, and produced by Kim Capps.
This podcast is for informational purposes only and should not be considered legal, medical, or professional advice. The views expressed by the Host or any Guest(s) are strictly their own and in no way constitute legal, medical, or professional advice.
Copyright ©️ 2025, Hurt Meets Healer, LLC. All rights reserved.
Kim Capps ministry that was created to help individuals and couples who are walking through the devastating impact of sexual addiction and infidelity. Thanks for joining me today. Hey y'all, and welcome back. We are actually on episode 19 and this episode, john is back with me. We missed him last time, but he is back. How you doing over there, john?
Speaker 2:Doing great. Glad to be back.
Speaker 1:It's good to have you here. So last week last week, that wasn't even last week last episode, I was discussing continuing on with follow-through and what that is in relationship and in life. And so today, on this episode, I am going back to the fourth episode that I recorded, episode that I recorded, which was the question are you an ask hole? In other words, are you void Like a hole is a void, are you void of asking? And the reason I wanted to approach this subject again, and this time with John here again and this time with John here is to get an additional thought or two on asking versus assuming. We we have discussed that a lot in our relationship these past few years and I will just go my. I'll tell you my belief off the bat of what those two, the relationship between those two and what I believe they are Asking invites. It's an invitation. It invites someone to have meaningful dialogue and or to join you in an activity or a relationship To be it's. I want you to be involved.
Speaker 1:So I'm going to ask, I'm not going to assume which is an entitlement, mentality and or demand. Now please hear me. This is Kim's my beliefs, right? This is not like I went and looked up definitions. Now I did later on that I'll talk about, but these are just me and what I have come to understand this to be that assuming is an entitlement, mentality or a demand. It removes the other person's freedom to choose to participate in meaningful dialogue, activity or relationship. And so, in the context of a relationship, the difference between asking and assuming, I believe, can significantly impact communication, trust, which is a big one, and mutual understanding. And, oh my goodness, safety, safety. If someone is always assuming something of me, my goodness. That typically, I think, would put me on a. Okay, I'm going to have to create some healthy boundaries with this person in order to protect myself. So, after saying all of that, I'm going to, let's say you, John, I'll ask you.
Speaker 2:I think assuming is also a fear response, and it's something that happens when maybe you think you know, or maybe I think I know the answer and I don't want to hear the answer, and so I just bulldoze by. I don't want to engage the conversation and so I just avoid that by making an assumption, and so the entitlement side of that you know comes out that way.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:So just a little expansion of your definition is all just. I think it comes from just not being willing to engage.
Speaker 1:Okay, so do you want to speak to the ask side of things? I don't have as much experience on that side. Okay fair, fair enough.
Speaker 2:I think I mean I don't have a lot to add to what you said. I do recognize that the ask is an invitation to engage, whereas the assumption is I is the backing away from engaging if that makes sense. So it's kind of two sides of that coin. I want to engage, so I'm going to be curious and ask, or I'm afraid to engage, and so I'm going to be curious and ask, or I'm afraid to engage, and so I'm just going to try to work around the ask.
Speaker 1:Well, okay, I understand that and I understand the fear part of it. But a lot of people are afraid and typically when you're afraid, I mean, and I ask because I'm afraid to, it's not that I don't want to know the answer. I want to know the answer but I'm afraid to assume. So I ask Well, and that makes sense, the, it, it, it, um, hmm, I'm taking this as uh, maybe an out. Well, I was afraid, so I assumed I'm going to call BS on that. I'm going to call a lot of BS on that. Maybe deep deep down. There's a little bit of fear in there. But assuming absolutely creates a false narrative on someone which says I'm entitled to say this about you, I'm entitled to think, I know, and so you know, I'm not going to have, I'm not going to talk to you about it, I'm not going to relate to you about this, because I've already made my decision, my assumption, and that's what I'm going with.
Speaker 2:Right, and that's where the fear comes in. I don't I'm afraid to challenge my own narrative, I'm afraid to get to the truth.
Speaker 1:Okay, now you're. Now you're okay. Thank you for that explanation.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's the fear, the fear is, I've got to challenge my narrative of the situation and, oh my gosh, did I, could I possibly? Is it possible that I could be wrong?
Speaker 1:Yeah, but I did you ever even ask yourself that question?
Speaker 1:Oh, no, no, that's an so again to me it's an entitlement mentality of I already know, right, but I'm not afraid that, oh my gosh, I'm going to be challenged because I'm not even asking that question. So how does? Again, I'm going to let me wow. Sorry, I'm going to try to not give you a thousand questions here, but it's fascinating to me, number one, to hear your side of things and how that beautiful mind of yours works and I just I'm fascinated and it just, oh my gosh, I'm speechless and that's crazy here.
Speaker 2:So here's possibly an expansion of that that might help clarify. So in an addictive mindset, in a really troubled mind, the assumption track is the entitlement assumption, all that runs. That's the track, that's the groove For me. As I've tried to work through some of those things and dig under that's where the fear comes in I recognized that I was too afraid to challenge my own narrative. So you are absolutely correct that in the moment in the groove, in the deep groove of the brokenness, the entitlement, the addiction, all of those things, no, it's not a conscious fear side trying to dig out of it and break down the walls of the groove, it what. What happens, for me at least, is the recognition that there is a baseline fear of challenging my own narrative and it covers go ahead I know you see me about to say something.
Speaker 2:I'm waiting it covers a lot of areas, but that's that's where it hits. The assumption side is I'm unwilling to challenge my own assumptions okay, and so that's fair as I grow and become more curious about everything, about your thoughts and about my own thoughts. Then I'm able to start wearing down the edges of those grooves where they're not quite so deep.
Speaker 1:Cool. So I have a what if? Question Are you open to it?
Speaker 2:So far.
Speaker 1:What if it's a fear of being found out? What if it's fear of you know that things are, you know that you're lying, you know that you're doing these things, you know, you know that. You know that. You know because you're a Christian, right? I mean, you've actually and some people use the term christian loosely, I'm just gonna air it down you have a personal relationship with god through jesus christ absolutely okay.
Speaker 1:So when that happens, we get the privilege of having the very life of of jesus, through his Holy Spirit, dwell in us, and I'm just going to guess that the Holy Spirit was tap, tap, tapping every once in a while, going this isn't right. And so what if it was the fear of somebody finding you know, your house of cards is all that's. All it is is a house of cards and one poof of wind and it's all gone, and you're not who you say you are. Does that go into the Absolutely Challenge my own narrative.
Speaker 2:That's exactly what that means is to challenge.
Speaker 1:Well, you use all these fancy words challenge.
Speaker 2:You know that's a big word I have to, I have to, I have to be willing. So let me put it in you know a little bit um further into the suburbs I need the country girl english version. So I'm going to move further into the suburbs thank you.
Speaker 2:Thank you, yes come out to the country me, I've got to be willing to look in the mirror and see the truth about me. And that's what I'm saying when I say challenge my own narrative, gotcha, is look in the mirror and say is this who I am, is this who I want to be, or is this how I'm acting and is this how I want to be, or is this how I'm acting and is this how I want to act, gotcha? And it's a hard journey to do that, and then it becomes easier, and then it becomes easier and then it becomes easier. And to your point about the Holy Spirit the Holy Spirit is present and alive in all of the followers of Christ, but I get to choose if I listen to Him or not. And the downside is, you know, you've heard the term, I know maybe some of our listeners have heard the term of a calloused heart, and so when your heart gets calloused by a life of sin and deception, it's harder to hear that still small voice.
Speaker 2:And it is, and God's always there and standing ready at every second to grab us and carry us. But we have to ask and he only can give us what we can handle in that moment and when we're stuck in sin. All we can handle in that moment is repentance and that's it.
Speaker 2:And then, as we repent and we turn, then he's able to speak more to us about growth.
Speaker 1:Cool, thank you for that. All right, so, as we continue on. All right, so as we continue on. I want to talk about assuming first, and I actually asked Grok what the definition of assuming was. I don't know if Grok's a he or a she, I haven't asked, so I can't say so my answer, what came back to me, was assuming. Here's the definition making a conclusion or acting based on what you believe to be true about your partner's thoughts, feelings or intentions, without verifying it with them. And so an example would be it with them. And so an example would be oh, they're fine with me going out, because I mean she's okay with that.
Speaker 1:She didn't say anything different about it. She didn't say otherwise. Or, oh, I'm sure he'll like this gift because I like it. I mean, I would want someone Love it and the impacts on a relationship when that happens and I am guilty, holy balls, I am guilty of assuming. Now here's what surprises me is when, on occasion, I'll get it right, I'll get it right. I'm like oh, yeah, woo, but I still made an assumption, although I'm really really good at asking, I think, would you have, what would you say?
Speaker 2:yeah, you're way better at it than me that's not what. That wasn't the question I think, yeah, comparing yes, you are good at asking Most of the time.
Speaker 1:Most of the time Now I do go on assumptions based on action and words that you say, yeah, as far as, especially when you were deep in addiction and deep in denial and hiddenness and all that stuff, and I got a lot of that right, go figure. But you know what?
Speaker 2:That probably wasn't me, that was the Holy Spirit in me and I wouldn't call that Kind of telling on you. I wouldn't really call that assumptions. That was reading the moment, right.
Speaker 1:It's when I would say you what you were thinking you thought this and you thought I don't have a clue what you're thinking right, oh my gosh, or what you're feeling at least or what your intentions are some percentage of the time.
Speaker 2:Neither do I there you go.
Speaker 1:I just want to go on the record say I think intentions are liars, personally intentions. Who can define what intention and who? Who said like anyway, don't even that's a whole another episode right there. So the impact on relationship when we assume we know what our partner's thinking, what they're feeling and what they meant by what they said, holy moly, misunderstandings just abound. Assumptions lead to errors in our perception that don't match reality, possibly causing oh, imagine this conflict or hurt feelings. Right, and we've had experience with that quite a bit. It obviously erodes trust. For me, yeah, a thousand percent. You act on assuming that you know what I'm thinking, feeling which I've got to experience a lot of that in my life by many different people. It really can impact your partner and devalue them, undervalue them Because their input's not considered. It can cause feelings of rejection and being ignored cause feelings of rejection and being ignored. Being ignored is not a feeling, but they can have that sense of. Well, they didn't even ask me so and, man, this is a big one builds resentment.
Speaker 1:Repeated assumptions can signal a lack of effort to connect or understand, and one of my questions that, or one of my things that I say, is boy, seek understanding, listen to gain understanding and be curious about what's going on with the other person. And when that doesn't happen these repeated assumptions. It is highly frustrating, highly frustrating. And then it becomes a habit that whoever's doing the assumptions, the assuming part, they can get maybe overconfident and just because something happened in the past, they think, oh well, they were okay with this yesterday, not realizing that oh, wait a second, they had a thought about it and maybe they felt guilt or shame about it and said, no, that's not right, I don't agree with that, but they were okay. So you assume that because it happened yesterday or two days or whatever, that that person's still okay with it. So what do you think, john, on the assumption, on assuming?
Speaker 2:Oh, I absolutely would concur. I mean, those are great comments. It leaves you wondering is my input valuable in the relationship?
Speaker 1:It left me thinking am I valuable, right? It really spoke to my identity. Mm-hmm, because of all the assumptions that were heaped my way, right, I began to believe what was being assumed of me and then proceeded to act that way. And then I went well, wait a second, wait, that's not right. I couldn't do it for long because it wasn't congruent with who I wanted to be. I'm like, well dang, if that's what they're thinking, fine, if that's what they're going, fine, that's what they're they're gonna assume that of me. Fine, I'll be the, I'll be the, you know, the whatever bad one or whatever the the thing was that was going on at the time, and there's so many, um, yeah it. It absolutely hurts when we assume right it hurts.
Speaker 1:It hurts the other person that we're uh desire if we're desiring to be in relationship with them, or maybe we're not desiring, maybe we're just trying to manipulate.
Speaker 2:Well, a good way to manipulate assume and there's no real good outcome that I've seen. I mean, I've certainly had some high level of experience with Assumption and I can tell you from deep experience that it's not a very effective way to live.
Speaker 1:Right, right, yeah, it just doesn't work. If you are working to heal a relationship, assuming that you know what your partner's thinking, feeling, or what their intentions are, their motives are, it will not lead to good outcomes most of the time.
Speaker 2:Most of the time. And I'll even add, if you're just wanting to be in a relationship, not to just heal one, but just to be in one, it's a whole lot better to ask Right and hopefully making some progress in that area. To be more curious and ask more questions yeah.
Speaker 1:I'm still on the bubble about. You know, I'm observing, I'm on the observation deck and I'm watching. It's provable behavior over time and we're waiting for that over time side of things. And provable behavior, Consistent provable behavior. Boy, let's just keep adding words in there. Nope, let's go all right.
Speaker 1:So let's move on to the ask side of things, which asking directly seeks clarification and input or permission from your partner or whoever you're chatting with, having conversation, wanting to be in relationship with. And it does this by posing a question or starting a conversation which is hey, are you okay with me going out with friends tonight? Or what do you think about this decision? What do you think about us building a barn? What do you think about more cows? What do you think about us building a barn? What do you think about more cows? What do you think about? Whatever?
Speaker 1:It involves the other person and it values them and the impacts of that. It builds trust because it shows respect, shows respect for your partner's feelings, their opinions, our boundaries and it creates openness. It really fosters openness that says hey, I'm going to be open about this, I'm inviting you in. Remember, I guess it would be my belief. My definition is asking is an invitation. It invites someone to join you in relationship and it also encourages communication. It invites dialogue that you can discuss things openly and hopefully reduce the chance of misunderstandings along the way. It also shows consideration which, if you listen back to episode four of this podcast, that was one of the definitions of respect was giving consideration. It was consideration, continuous and careful thought, and so you know, it's okay to be unsure about something, it's okay to be human. We all have fears and doubts and whatnot, but I would think to overcome that, the best method is to ask somebody hey, what's going on with you?
Speaker 1:Hey I noticed that outburst. I noticed you're kind of sitting there quietly. Is there anything I can do for you? Is there anything you need from me right now? Would you like to talk? I'm here to listen. I'm open. What do you think about that? I see you over there. I don't know if that's a smirk or I don't know what your face means.
Speaker 2:Yeah, those are all great invitations to deeper intimacy.
Speaker 1:Come to the ranch with me, John.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Stay out of the high, high loft.
Speaker 2:Come on, they're down there, they're invitations to conversation and they're scary when you know from from our story um, when, when, when I've put so much hurt on you, I recognize. That's where the ask in those types of situations comes in and that's where the curiosity and all of the things that you said about being valued and being a partner and eliminating the miscommunication and all of those things, and that's the balance that I fight to strike in me and to overcome that fear.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So there's a word that I've used a lot. I've asked you to be proactive a lot and that's the difference between there's a couple of differences between assuming and asking. Asking is proactive, it's collaborative, it's wanting to work together on a project, it's one, or life, just doing life together. It's inviting again, it's that whole invitation of hey, I want to be a part of your life and, better than that, I want you to be a part of mine because of your awesomeness and what you have to bring to the table, while assuming is passive and I think it's selfish, it's one-sided and you know, asking seeks clarity and mutual agreement.
Speaker 1:Assuming takes a huge risk of misunderstanding and misalignment and can bypass your whole. The reason you got married was to have a partner and, yeah, so I want to have balance in our relationship. Now. We've been together for a very, very long time and typically when couples are married, as long as we have been married, which is nearly as long as I am old I am like way old, over the half century mark, I mean. Typically in healthy relationships, asking is just a byproduct. It's a natural way that people communicate and relate to each other. But there's also a level of assuming, because we know. See, even that.
Speaker 1:I question that too. I'm reading off my notes and I question why did I question that too? I'm reading off my notes and I question why did I write that? Because, like assuming, I want coffee in the morning, because I always do? No, I guess that would be an assumption, because that would be well, you wanted it yesterday, oh, don't you want coffee today? I guess that is assuming. Now, here I go to the loft in the city. I need to get back to the ranch. Come on, girl Country English version. Stop complicating this. I think the key is wisdom. I really do.
Speaker 2:There are certain things I mean. If you have a habit of drinking coffee two cups of coffee in the morning and then the conversation it's reasonable to expect provable behavior over time. Your provable behavior over time is two cups of coffee, right?
Speaker 1:Yep One caffeinated.
Speaker 2:One cup of coffee before conversation, and then conversation can ensue after the first cup of coffee.
Speaker 1:Well, now you can ask me if I want a second cup of coffee.
Speaker 2:Are you ready for your second Conversation?
Speaker 1:Not conversation, a question you can ask.
Speaker 2:But that's you know. Know to your point. That's provable behavior over time. That's not an assumption per se right.
Speaker 1:That's why I don't like that this may not be the best?
Speaker 1:example, exactly because it's me, to me knowing each other yeah, because we've been together, my gosh, three and a half decades. Well, we've been together longer than that. We've been married, uh, 36 years, oh wow. So assuming is about someone's thoughts and emotions and beliefs and expectations and and their intentions which, golly, I've got to find a different word for that because I don't know about that word. And so assuming on that, especially in relationships that have been broken by infidelity and sexual betrayal, assuming is a oh my gosh, red, red red flag on, especially on the betrayer side. If you assume that your wife is angry because of X Y Z, if you assume she's thinking X Y Z, if you assume whatever and what if a lot of what you got into was because you made assumptions about your wife and didn't ask, that's a whole other show, isn't it Right? You're just sitting there nodding your head, you know? Right, right, right, unless you put a squeaker on your neck, they don't know.
Speaker 2:It squeaks on the inside. Let me tell you You're agreeing, yes, yes. No, I completely agree, it is. You know there is. The distinction is to be made is between the being comfortable knowing someone and, as you said, making an assumption on what they're thinking and feeling and not bothering to ask and clarify. And I'm not sure I want to do an episode on that. But there's absolutely a lot of truth to the fact that, at least for me and I'm going to guess a lot of other guys or gals that have been in my situation have made a lot of decisions and choices based on a lot of assumptions that were incorrect, and had I challenged my own assumptions early on, we wouldn't be doing this podcast.
Speaker 1:Right, right. Yeah, I think asking involves consideration of the other person, respect for the other person, regard care. I care for you.
Speaker 2:so I'm going to ask.
Speaker 1:It's an honor to treat someone with admiration and respect, and so in relationships, the tendency to make assumptions is it can actually stem from personality traits, past experiences or communication habits. And while we all assume occasionally I am, you know, I admit, I confess I make assumptions there are certain types of people, there are certain characteristic traits that are more prone to do it consistently, and so on. Our next episode stay tuned y'all, because our next episode will be talking about the common characteristics or tendencies of those who might lean towards assuming or over asking not or but, assuming over asking sound good, there, john sounds good all right, y'all any last word from you you're thanks for thanks for listening.
Speaker 2:Thanks for listening excited that you're along for this ride and we really appreciate the correspondence from those of you that have reached out and have been impacted by our little adventure here our dysfunction dysfunction junction there you go all right.
Speaker 1:Y'all thanks for joining us on this episode and until the next time around y'all. God bless you. Thank you for taking the time to listen today. Remember you are more than what happened to you. We'd be honored to come alongside and guide you on your healing journey. Connect with us at wwwhurtmeetshealercom. Until next time, god bless.
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