Hurt Meets Healer Podcast
Hurt people, hurt people. Are you ready to work through the pain of your past? Healing is possible! Join us on our healing journey, a journey to freedom, where you'll get straight truth from genuine people.
We use our story and experience to help others walk through the trauma of intimate betrayal. This is raw and real talk from average people who are walking the path of healing.
Kim is a Certified Professional Mentor™ through BraveHearts University, and a Certified Christian Life Coach through the Board of Christian Life Coaching.
Hurt Meets Healer Podcast
The Million Dollar 3 Letter Word, part 3: Why We Assume Instead of Ask
Assumptions can silently erode even the strongest relationships. In this eye-opening continuation of our "Million Dollar Three-Letter Word" series, we dive deep into the personality traits that lead people to assume rather than ask.
Have you ever wondered why some people seem hardwired to make assumptions? We reveal eight distinct personality profiles that struggle with asking direct questions. From the overconfident person who trusts their intuition over seeking input, to the conflict-avoider who assumes to keep the peace, to the emotionally unaware individual who misses crucial cues – each profile offers profound insights into human connection patterns.
The episode takes a particularly fascinating turn when we explore how seemingly opposite traits – like controlling behavior and insecurity – are actually deeply interconnected. Drawing from personal experiences, we share how arrogance often masks vulnerability, and how past childhood experiences shape adult communication patterns. This isn't about labeling or judging; it's about recognizing patterns that might be sabotaging your relationships.
Most compelling is our discussion about how asking questions serves as an "emotional 3D scan" for relationships. Just as Kim's experience with a physical body scan provided clarity and motivation for health changes, asking direct questions offers the same transformative potential for relationships. Standing side-by-side with your partner to address problems creates an entirely different dynamic than confrontation across a divide.
Ready to transform your communication patterns and deepen your connections? This episode provides practical wisdom for recognizing when you're assuming instead of asking, and how to shift toward healthier patterns of interaction. Join us next time as we tackle the challenging question: "Should I Stay or Should I Go?"
Thank you for listening! For more information about us and the services we offer, visit www.hurtmeetshealer.com.
Intro & Outro music written, performed, and produced by Kim Capps.
This podcast is for informational purposes only and should not be considered legal, medical, or professional advice. The views expressed by the Host or any Guest(s) are strictly their own and in no way constitute legal, medical, or professional advice.
Copyright ©️ 2025, Hurt Meets Healer, LLC. All rights reserved.
Kim Capps ministry that was created to help individuals and couples who are walking through the devastating impact of sexual addiction and infidelity. Thanks for joining me today. Hey y'all, welcome back. Welcome back. We are on episode 20. Can you believe that? And I have to unmute, john man, if only I had that in real life instead of just these buttons here.
Speaker 2:Hang on, let me hit the mute button.
Speaker 1:Actually lately, the last few years, I'm like dude, why don't you share with me? Talk what's going on? Yeah, so go figure. When we first met, it was dude, do you ever stop talking? Yipes, it was yeah. Anywho, that a whole, nother episode in all and of itself. Welcome back you guys. Welcome. We are so grateful and thankful to have you joining us on this, our 20th episode. We are continuing on with a million dollar three letter word, part three. Last time we talked about asking versus assuming, gave some definitions and tonight, today, this episode, because I'm not editing that out, we actually are recording in the evening. So that's there you go. We are going to discuss personality traits and potentially past experiences, but mainly personality traits that certain people have that tend to lead them towards assuming or making them assumers over rather than askers, and so you ready to dive in.
Speaker 2:I'm ready, let's do it.
Speaker 1:All right, common characteristics or tendencies of those who might lean towards assuming over asking Number one, there's going to be eight, right, eight. So number one overconfident or self-assured people. Now, the traits that they have are high confidence in their own judgment and belief that they know best, or a sense that they can predict others' feelings or reactions. And why do they assume, man, if, if we, somebody's gonna make a lot of money off of figuring that one out right there, they trust it appears. They trust their intuition or logic, what they think is right over seeking input, thinking they already know what they'll say or ah, this is, this is okay. Yeah, they won't say anything. Um, and an example would be you make a reservation without checking with your partner because you like sushi and you're sure that your partner will love it, and they don't. I think there's some.
Speaker 2:There's some better examples in there somewhere yeah, like you ask somebody out on a date and take them shopping, assuming that, because they're a girl, they'll like to shop man, that should have been my first red flag.
Speaker 1:I think it might have been a red flag. I was like man what. He just assumed that I like to go shopping, didn't even ask.
Speaker 2:Yeah, if you're taking notes, that was me for our first date.
Speaker 1:Oh, wow, and.
Speaker 2:I mostly survived it, so that assumption.
Speaker 1:You were charming.
Speaker 2:I was able to recover from that one.
Speaker 1:I was in trauma.
Speaker 2:Right, yeah, me too.
Speaker 1:All right.
Speaker 2:So the overconfident Number one overconfident or self-assured individuals and the second one is the avoidant or conflict averse person. Um, and the some of the traits of these folks are discomfort with confrontation, fear of rejection or reluctance to rock the boat. And why do they do that? Why do they assume Because asking might lead to an uncomfortable conversation or a disagreement. So they assume just to keep things smooth and look, it's probably okay, so don't say anything about it, just hope that in the moment it'll all blow over. And an example of that would be assuming their partner isn't upset because they don't want to talk about or have a tough discussion about feelings. I don't know anybody like that at all, except that stupid guy that I look in the mirror at every day, don't say stupid.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's right. That's not nice, john, and they're little people. Oh my gosh I can't believe.
Speaker 2:You said that I am gonna have to edit. Oh my lanta it's a line from a movie i'm'm going to have to mute your microphone. Obviously we do not prepare ahead of time. We're like shooting off the cuff here y'all, we may not prepare notes and everything. That guy in the mirror is that guy. Yeah, you're intelligent, I know a little bit about that guy.
Speaker 1:All right, my goodness. So number three is the habitual or routine driven individuals, which I actually fit into this. I am very habit driven. I love a routine. I you know, I like it. I'm like Sheldon Cooper. You're not that bad. No, not that bad at all. All right, so some of the traits are that we have a preference for predictability, a reliance on patterns, and I wonder if this is like a safety thing, comfort with how things have been, and why people like this assume is we base decisions on past behavior without considering that feelings or circumstances might have changed. You know they never minded before. Why would they mind now? They didn't mind. You know when I was out all night before, what the heck, heck, what's the problem?
Speaker 2:and so, um yeah, habitual or routine driven individuals and number five would be people with low emotional awareness.
Speaker 1:Dude oh you are evens. I am odd, you're on that's right, I'm on number four.
Speaker 2:I was ahead of myself. That rarely happens. I'm usually behind. Number four are impulsive or hasty decision makers. There you go. Oh my gosh, See, I'm illustrating this as I go. There's your example.
Speaker 1:Way to go. I'm so proud of you there you go, proactive right, thanks creating the example as I go.
Speaker 2:Traits of us kind of folks quick to act, impatient or prone to skipping steps yes, guilty in all counts oh my goodness.
Speaker 2:And why is that? Well, we don't take the time to ask because we want to move forward, and it's something that you know. It's an immediate need, or an immediate read of the situation. I need to solve it. I need an answer right now. I'm going to interrupt you whatever, so I'm just going to assume. So the example of this, other than you know, what I've already given you in real life would be assuming their partner is free for an event and committing to it without checking. I've got a long history littered with that one myself.
Speaker 1:I will affirm that, yes, but that's changing, I hope. All right. So number five is people with low emotional awareness. In other words, they don't even know what they feel. In other words, they don't even know what they feel. They don't recognize feelings. They probably don't even know what feelings are, let alone be able to recognize. Name it. What am I feeling right now? Lack of empathy is another one as well, and just a being oblivious to to subtle cues, or heck, two big, big, huge cues to ticker tape, parades and neon flashing signs you're laughing over there.
Speaker 1:Yes, I'm seeing that guy in the mirror so why they assume is uh well, I have my own opinion about that, and it involves their head being in a dark, dark place and it is and they need to yank it out of that dark place because they're missing, they're not being aware of another person's needs and they miss the signs of what's going on around them.
Speaker 1:They don't seek clarification, they just assume everything's fine because they bury their head in the sand. I, you know, if I don't see it, it's not happening. And you know what here. You know, here's how I do this. So I see, if I'm driving down the road and this is just the crazy example I don't want to say the S-T-U-P-I-D word, but it is really low IQ here I'm driving down the road, I see a dark heap on the side of the road and I have such empathy for animals. I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm not going to look away. If I look away, I'm not going to see it. And it never happened, zoom, and I'm by it. And guess what? I'm good.
Speaker 1:I didn't have to emotionally connect with whatever, and it was probably just a tire or no. Tailing out here, tire or no, telling out here in bag of trash? Yeah, that's, that's more like it out here in the freaking sticks. People pick up your trash any, so burying your head in the sand because it, you know it. You don't want to be discomforted. I don't want to be um moved by something. And so you assume, you know, say you assume your partner's partner silence means agreement, rather than noticing it actually means a big no, because they're not comfortable with whatever is going on. So people with low emotional awareness, six Right on.
Speaker 2:Let me comment a little bit on the dark place that you mentioned. Sure Because, and not to make light of it, but that's your head in the sand. Yeah, no, that's not what I mean. What I mean is the the low emotional IQ is a dark place.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah.
Speaker 2:Because John Eldredge says that we treat others' hearts the way we treat our own our own, and so that is a. It's a dark place and some, somehow we got there to that dark place. Somebody with low emotional iq got there. Somehow they were, you know, deeply wounded as a child. Whatever there's, there's unhealed trauma in their story.
Speaker 2:And so, yes, it's a. And all of these, most of these eight, are symptoms of unhealed issues, right? So? And these are all things that we can recover from, trust me, I know. So. Number six is controlling their dominant personalities, and that's folks that need to be in charge. They prefer directing others rather than collaborating. And why do those folks assume? Well, they prioritize their own perspective and assume their partner will fall in line, viewing asking as unnecessary or a loss of control. And I'm using they because that's what the notes say, but I'm guilty of this one too. The notes say, but I'm guilty of this one too. So an example would be deciding on a major purchase without discussion, assuming their partner just trusts their judgment wow, that's all you have to say about that.
Speaker 1:Okay, moving right along, then, number seven insecure, anxious individuals. Boy, I have uh encountered in and met a lot of these people. They fear vulnerability, overthinking or projecting their own feelings onto others. It's fear of vulnerability or overthinking or projecting their own feelings onto other people. Wow, that's a lot. Insecure or anxious individuals.
Speaker 2:That's me too.
Speaker 1:Ah, fear of being vulnerable.
Speaker 2:All of the above, overthinking, yeah.
Speaker 1:And you project what you're thinking and feeling onto me Right? Sure, I think we all do that a lot. I'd say a lot. I think at times, you know, even even the best of us do this.
Speaker 2:You know we have um heck, I've done that all these things are part of the human condition at some level right, but when it gets to be um problematic right right Right.
Speaker 1:Habitual.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you've really got to address it. I mean, it's got to be, I've got to be willing, I'm just going to put it on me. I've got to be willing to check my you know, put my initials by those descriptions and say, oh, that's me, I've got to work on that, that's me, I've got to work on that. And in the next opportunity I have to remember that no, I can be vulnerable, it's worth the risk, and so that's. But you're right, I mean, it's just part of being human to have these things. But when they create so much conflict that it pushes the people close to you that you want to be close to away, you got to fix it, correct it.
Speaker 1:Right, and I, yeah, I'm going to finish this number seven. Then I have a question on number six because, interestingly, you didn't say much about that. You just read what my show notes were. So I'm curious about that.
Speaker 1:But why do the insecure, anxious individuals assume, well, what if they think the worst? Oh, they're just mad at me. They're mad at me, not just, but they're mad at me. Or they think the best, it's extremes. It seems me. They're mad at me, not just, but they're mad at me. Or they think the best, it's extremes. It seems like they think the best. Oh, they'll say, yes, it's all good, but it's all to avoid.
Speaker 1:It's the fear of asking directly, the uncertainty, what we talked about last episode. Fear of just directly asking, which is odd to me. Being afraid to ask because you're assuming your partner doesn't care about this or that, because I'm too nervous to ask what your input is. I really want whatever, say I want a new car, I really want this new car, but I don't ask you, I just go out and do it because, well, you'll be all right, I deserve this or whatever, and that I don't want to hear a no. Or I don't want to hear a no, or I don't want to hear, I don't want to collaborate, I don't want to. I'm so insecure that that rejection of the word no just devastates me.
Speaker 2:And I think that's where seven and six come back together. At least for me is I was insecure and so I was absolutely controlling because I didn't want to face the conversation.
Speaker 1:What about? The conversation was hard to face.
Speaker 2:Well, a lot of times I had already made my mind up what I wanted to do or think or whatever, and I wasn't open because I was controlling, I wasn't open to having the conversation, and so I was insecure of having the conversation right Because I wanted things my way.
Speaker 1:But is that insecurity? I mean, is that being insecure or is that being freaking arrogant?
Speaker 2:I mean, is that being insecure or is that being freaking arrogant? I think some of that is.
Speaker 1:I think it is Overconfidence, I'm sure.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think arrogance is part of that Insecurity. This is just my unlearned opinion, but most arrogant folks are terribly insecure. I mean, it's the cover I'm covering for my insecurity by my arrogance.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:And so and I can say that with some level of certainty because that's me, I've lived that life and so there's a and then at some point you know you are confident, and then you get, you decide that you're, you know, pretty good and real good, and then all of a sudden you're overconfident and then you're arrogant because you don't want anybody and you mentioned it maybe in the last episode, but the whole house of cards thing At some point you build, you know, you create your own narrative, your own press, and then you have to live up to your own press. Well, you can't live up to your own press, you know it. And so it's this vicious cycle and that's where all of that kind of melds together in that controlling insecure. And you're controlling because you're so insecure. At least that was me. I can't speak for anybody else, but for me my controlling tendency came from my terrible insecurity, not excusing it, just identifying it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you know, I will admit, I got you wore me out. I became exasperated and just wearied by all the assumptions, and so I got tired of asking you to ask, just ask me, involve me in the decisions that affect me and the kids and the household stuff, and yeah, well, we wouldn't be here today if you had done that. Well, you know what we might. You just never know. You never know what. What road? It might have been an easier road to get here, though, rather than the road we have arrived here on right now. It might have been in first class. Rather than whatever economy, yeah, baggage Exactly down in the belly of the plane.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 2:Which leads us to number eight, number eight people shaped by past experiences, which is all of us right, and the traits of those folks. They're influenced by previous relationships or upbringing where asking wasn't encouraged or assumptions were the norm, and sometimes in those instances where asking actually brought negative consequences. And why do they assume? Well, we've learned that assuming is safer and more efficient, perhaps from a dynamic where asking led to criticism or dismissal or worse, you know, physical abuse, all of those things. And the example would be growing up in a house where you should just know what the expectation was, and so that was put on them in childhood Don't ask, because you'll get whatever consequences from just asking. And so we carry that into adulthood and into our relationships and we think that's just the way it's supposed to be.
Speaker 2:And you know, go back through the list and all of the reasons that just entrench that. And it's a hard one to just like all things, all of our personality traits. These are hard things to turn around. They take intentionality and, to use your word, one of the words you like, proactivity. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, and it's work. You have to see it, you have to face it. You can't change what you don't know needs to be changed.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Right, and once you see it, typically you can't unsee it. Once you see it, it's there. Once you see it, it's there and you can attempt to pull your hoodie over your face and hide and, you know, drown the world out, drink the world out, porn the world out, whatever it is. That is the addiction. And we're here on sexual addiction and betrayal. And you can't, I say you can't, you can try, but it's still there and it will catch up to you at some point and it's so much better to face. I think Now you have not agreed with me for a while now on this, but I think and I believe, man, it's just so much easier to face up and to go oh balls, this is where I am. Oh my gosh, man, that just stunk. I messed that one up. I'll give you a little quick example here of it's not, it's more of assuming versus it's not asking, because I didn't have anybody ask.
Speaker 1:But I have been on a health journey for several months. I had a bad infection the beginning of this year for, oh my gosh, four months or so, well, about three months. The end of March is when it finally got resolved and, oh my gosh, it played a huge role in me changing my thoughts and my attitude on a lot of things. One is food. Because the infection was in my mouth, I couldn't eat hardly anything. It just hurt so bad and it was excruciating pain and so, fortunately, I've lost quite a bit of weight.
Speaker 2:Congratulations.
Speaker 1:Yeah, probably not the best way. But then I went to in the midst of all that I said, oh my gosh, I got to get some help on this because I was seeing an oral surgeon and a dentist but I wasn't seeing on the rest of my body, where you know having is my blood work okay? Is everything okay? Is this? My biggest fear was that darn infection going to my brain and scrambling my brains, and so I did go and get some blood work and that was an eye opener, I tell you.
Speaker 1:The biggest eye opener was we go to um, a place for cryotherapy, and they have this scanner thing that gives you a very accurate picture of your body and, wow you, if you want to be humbled, just go stand on that sucker, let it do. The 3D scan of your body. It shows every wrinkle, crease, fat layer. It gives you measurements and what. Where I'm going with this is that I had an assumption in my head of what I was, who I was, what I look like, and when I saw that rendering, oh my goodness, it kind of kicked me in my lady parts a little bit and set me back on my heels for a little bit, a few hours. I had to really think about my life my choices in life what the heck was I doing?
Speaker 1:and then I came to the conclusion that, all right, you know what. This is reality, this is truth. I didn, I didn't draw it out for days and months and years. It slapped me. I stood up, thought about it and said, okay, this is a starting point and I'm going to launch from here, because that's not who I want to be, that's not what I want to look like. Now I know I'm not getting any younger, but I can change. I still. I have time. Every day is an opportunity to be different, and that's what I've been doing. I'm changing. It gave me a launching point. It gave me a starting point of a place to begin. All right, here's where I am. And so I get.
Speaker 1:I've gotten on that sucker about every couple of weeks because I want to know what's going on, how am I progressing, how am I doing, and not to put pressure on myself or to judge myself, but to give me context of for myself, or to judge myself, but to give me context of what my efforts are producing. And so, if you are and we all fit into these categories at times we're humans. You know, and, depending on stress, or you know what's it, the stakes involved. Whatever sometimes we will all assume, doesn't mean we're this or that or the other. You know these labels here. However, if these eight traits describe you in any way, well, I just want to encourage you to reach out for some help. That is not a great place. I'm going to guess you can speak to this, john. It's not the best way to live.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:Unless you want to live alone.
Speaker 2:You mentioned the dark place. It's a dark place.
Speaker 1:You mentioned the dark place. It's a dark place. It really is, and it's a hard place to pull out of and it takes intentionality, it takes effort, it takes support and help and work and it's all available. I mean, there are folks standing by to help. Yeah, there's a lot of help out there. We do couples coaching, we do individual coaching as well, and there's others just a myriad of people now coming on scene interview people. But you can't do that until you realize, oh my gosh, I got to get help Right.
Speaker 2:If only there was the emotional 3D scan Right.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh, no kidding. Why wouldn't that be handy? That would absolutely be handy. So I just want to encourage y'all.
Speaker 2:Well, hang on, because let me tell you that there is the emotional 3D scan. Is there and it's wrapped up in the million dollar. Three-letter word.
Speaker 1:There you go to ask.
Speaker 2:Ask your partner, and that's the scary thing.
Speaker 1:And that's the scary thing.
Speaker 2:It is, but if you look at it, from curiosity, if you look at it as an effort to connect, to really want to know your partner, to understand them, absolutely understand, absolutely as a as a. You know the example I gave you the other day where we're standing arm in arm, arms around each other, asking that question okay, how can I make this relationship better? What can I do to make us better? Is a way different conversation than what's wrong with me or what's wrong with you, right?
Speaker 1:That's a question I ask a lot.
Speaker 2:And so standing side by side, looking at the problem and coming up with a solution together is way different than sitting across the desk and pointing fingers at each other or having that feeling right of I'm the problem and so what if you are the? Problem well, I mean, admit it.
Speaker 1:that's what I'm at is. Take a sober look at yourself, stop pointing, stop sending your fingers out and pointing at the other person.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Take a sober look at yourself.
Speaker 2:Be willing to ask that question Right and on both sides, and stop assuming that I say stop, I'm telling you what to do.
Speaker 1:It would be beneficial to not assume that you're better than you are.
Speaker 2:That's what I did.
Speaker 1:I assumed I was better than I was. I assumed that this body looked better than it does, and now I know, yeah, it does not. So that's what I was getting at is be curious, seek understanding. Relationships thrive on a mutuality, on understanding each other, and you know it, we, we don't see eye to eye on a lot of things. You, you know, you think way different than I think. Right, and there has to. We have to build the bridge to um, cover that gap right and gain understanding. Okay, well, what you know what? What allows what? What about that causes you to think you know that, this or that or the other, and just gaining understanding of another person?
Speaker 2:doesn't mean you have to agree with them.
Speaker 1:But gain understanding, don't assume that just because they say some off-the-cuff comment that you know they's some psycho person, or whatever the assumption might be. Ask, dude, did you mean to say that? Did you mean to hurt me by that statement? Ask, just ask. That alleviates so much. Well, I say that I've asked a lot of questions and gotten rocks thrown at me, so verbal, emotional, not real rocks. Say that I've asked a lot of questions and gotten rocks thrown at me, so verbal, emotional not real.
Speaker 2:Real rocks but yeah.
Speaker 1:So sometimes, sometimes asking um doesn't actually work, it always it always works, it just sometimes takes time well, oh, it hurts, yeah, it's hurt for me to ask and then just watch the question fall to the ground with a non-answer, with silence.
Speaker 2:Silence. Right, yeah, and that's part of the vulnerability that you were talking about earlier of being vulnerable. That's where the ask is a vulnerability. I mean it exposes us because we can be rejected when we ask, and so Yep, that number two person, fear of rejection, yep.
Speaker 1:So these, these traits, I will stick them in the show notes, I hope, and get them out there in case you're curious as to what those eight traits that. It's no particular thing, it's just, you know, I gained, I did a lot of searching and so that's what I came up with. It's not set in stone, it's not from a book, it's not. It's just a mixed mash of what I can find and what I've learned in my schooling on on hurting people and what. What types of characteristics typically lean toward assuming over asking. So I just want to encourage you don't be an ask-hole, be an asker, it's okay. Ask, seek and knock A-S-K. That's what God challenges us to do for Him, and he actually asked us to ask him. Right, go figure. All right, y'all Boy, this has been an interesting conversation and I appreciate you being here.
Speaker 1:Next episode we will be talking and discussing the topic Should I Stay or Should I Go, and that's going to be a three-part. Is it going to be a three-part? I show it as part one, it is one. Two, it's just a two-part. It'll be a two-part series there Should I stay or should I go? And I will tell you right now. There may be some interesting conversation between us, because this is some things that John and I differ on thinking about, what we think differently on, so that'll be 21, and 22 should be interesting as we discuss those.
Speaker 2:Yes, I'm looking forward to that sort of.
Speaker 1:All right.
Speaker 2:Because I'm number two.
Speaker 1:You're number two, the avoidant. Yes, oh, my goodness, how funny. All right y'all. Thanks for joining us.
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:We appreciate you being here. If you need help and we can help you in any way, please reach out to us. Info at hurtmeatshealercom. Shoot me an email and we respond as quickly as we can. And we are just ourselves here. So we appreciate you listening to our rantings and our thoughts and until the next time, peace and blessings y'all. Thank you for taking the time to listen today. Remember you are more than what happened to you. We'd be honored to come alongside and guide you on your healing journey. Connect with us at wwwhurtmeetshealercom. Until next time, God bless.
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