Why I Stayed

The question “Why did you stay?” can feel like an accusation until you’ve lived inside betrayal trauma. We sit down as a married couple and tell the truth about what kept us here after infidelity, lies, and the long fallout of sexual addiction and broken trust. It isn’t one simple reason, and it isn’t a clean timeline. It’s hope, fear, faith, kids, history, and the complicated math of safety.

Kim walks through the faulty beliefs that can quietly lock partners into unhealthy dynamics: thinking divorce automatically makes you a failure, believing you caused the betrayal, believing love means enduring anything, or believing grace means ignoring ongoing deception. We also talk about the outside noise that says “just leave,” and why that advice can miss the realities of shared family, shared finances, shared businesses, and deep grief.

John answers his own side of “why did I stay,” naming image, fear, and avoidance, plus the struggle to communicate without shutting down. From practical boundaries like separation and ending circular arguments to faith-based healing practices like praying scripture at 3 a.m., we focus on one goal: staying well, not staying stuck.

If you’re navigating infidelity recovery, betrayal trauma healing, or a Christian marriage crisis and you need language for what you’re carrying, press play. Subscribe, share this with someone who feels alone, and leave a review so more hurting couples can find real help.

Thank you for listening! For more information about us and the services we offer, visit www.hurtmeetshealer.com.

Intro & Outro music written, performed, and produced by Kim Capps.

This podcast is for informational purposes only and should not be considered legal, medical, or professional advice. The views expressed by the Host or any Guest(s) are strictly their own and in no way constitute legal, medical, or professional advice.
Copyright ©️ 2026, Hurt Meets Healer, LLC. All rights reserved.

Transcript

Welcome And The Big Question

SPEAKER_02 0:06

Hi, and welcome to the Heart Meets Healer Podcast. I'm Kim Caps, your host and president of HeartMets Healer LLC, a business tree, business plus ministry that was created to help individuals and couples are walking through the devastating impact of sexual addiction and infidelity. Thanks for joining me today. Hey y'all, welcome back. Welcome back to the Hermie Taylor podcast. Today we are discussing the big question: why did I stay? And I think uh we could ask it of both of us, of myself and of you, John. Why did I stay? And I I have pondered that question um many times over. Why the heck am I still here? And at first, my um my initial reaction, well, my initial thought, once I I got over the well got over, I could better handle the the trauma of um, oh my gosh, my husband has um been unfaithful to me. And I thought, okay, maybe that explains what's wrong and what's going on, why such the distance in our marriage, why such the hiddenness, why um the continued lies, and maybe that gives a a ground level uh a uh launching point to begin uh fixing, if you will, those things. And okay, now we know what's wrong. Let's get there, let's fix it. Um, so ah, and then as um you know, we delve more into it, uh, I began to think, okay, wait a second, maybe maybe we have an actual legitimate opportunity for a new start. We can wipe, wipe the slate clean, we can um, you know, start over. I don't want to, I really don't want anything of the relationship that we had in the past. It was not, it didn't start with truth and honesty. It was not built on uh openness and um faithfulness, truthfulness. And so I I, you know, I thought, hey, what a great opportunity to begin something new that would be real, that would be um authentic. And uh yeah, boy, oh boy, did I have a lot to learn, a lot to learn.

Faulty Beliefs That Kept Kim Stuck

SPEAKER_02 3:02

But I've listed out a few things that uh were my faulty beliefs, if you will. And one of those is faulty beliefs, but I'll just read read down them and you know, maybe maybe something resonates with someone out there that is going through a a similar experience of betrayal, and and you're wondering why the heck do I stay? What uh you know, why, what's going on? So uh I'd hoped things would change for the better. Uh yeah. I hoped that now that everything was out in the open, you know, he had supposedly told me everything. As I would continue to ask, is that everything? Uh we could work on healing. However, everything was not out in the open. So healing couldn't take place. And I had made a commitment, you know. I stood before our family, friends, and God and and made a commitment. And so that was uh really uh ingrained in me till death. When I say I'm gonna do something, I'm gonna do something. And then I had a boatload of faulty beliefs, just oh my goodness, the bullet points after faulty beliefs. Oh, I'm a failure if my marriage ends. Oh, if I try harder and and I can change enough, then then he'll he'll straighten up. He can follow my lead. Uh you know, the the big lie that was being told of me, I caused this. If I just would forgive, everything would be so much better. Um, you know, if I give him enough time, if he has enough time, show enough grace. Oh, give grace, grace, grace, grace. No, God gives a butt ton of grace, and you know what? There's gonna be a lot of people going to hell. So yeah, didn't work for me. Um, I believed, oh, if I just loved enough, love means enduring anything. Um, no, no, uh not true. And so I had to really uh the big one, sin is a divorce sin is a divorce. It was a it was a sin to divorce. Um divorce was a sin. And I had to really come to a new understanding of no, no, God gave divorce. Moses wrote, He gave them the rules for divorcing, and it is an absolute provision when abuse is involved, when infidelity is involved. It's a provision to um to do to divorce. I also had a lot of fear. I was very uh highly concerned with what other people thought. Um yeah, big time fear of rejection. My kids, uh, yeah, my two kiddos. Uh, there was, yeah, well, I'm just gonna leave that one there. I had a hope too that God would do something that I don't know, maybe something supernatural. And he didn't. I mean, I guess healing is supernatural. Um, the change that's happened in me is supernatural over these last few years, but I I thought he would heal in a different way and a lot faster. And truth is, um, like I said at the beginning, we uh we started off on the wrong foot all the way around. Um, and I had an unhealthy attachment to John. I believed the lie that he was um supposed to protect, and he is supposed to protect me, he chose to not, but that he was this and that, and I put him in a position that he was not ever meant to be in, I think. It's my responsibility, and that is the position of spiritual leader, um, or my my um spiritual guru, if you will. And that's not his role to take. It is my responsibility to develop my personal relationship with God. That's not his responsibility, his responsibility, as um the Bible says, is to love, to love me as Christ loved me and gave his life for me. And so, you know, all those things, if I tried harder, um, became a better wife, um, you know, did the physical act of marriage more, he would be happy. And it it never never panned out, didn't work, um, doesn't work today, by the way. So I'm not the same person though that I was all those years ago. And even though we are still uh in the trenches, I would say that um yeah, I am I am miles away from where I started this journey. And I owe that to a great community that I'm a part of, a great um several great counselors that I've had the privilege of learning from and healing with. Um so yeah, why did I stay? Boy, that's a loaded question. Uh and I think I can I can't boil it down to any one thing. It's a boatload of things.

Why Leaving Feels Impossible

SPEAKER_02 9:32

We have um a lot of businesses that we're tied in together with. We have um a ranch and several other businesses that entangle us, it would not, it's not an easy thing to file for divorce. And I will say this if I get to the point of filing for divorce, it will have been after much anguish, much um debate, much counseling, much um blood, sweat, and tears, because that's not an easy decision to make. It is how how do how do I how can I um explain what it's like to make the decision to walk away from what I've known for 30 some odd 36 years, what's familiar, because it it's hurting me. How do I explain this to my kids, to my grandkids, that I would rather trust separation to bring me relief? How do you explain that to someone who hasn't walked this path? I had all these voices yammering in my ear, well, you should just leave, or you should just divorce him, or you should bring them. You know, they hadn't walked this journey. So, you know what? You don't get to say so. And that's what I I say that a little more graciously to those who want to um now speak, think that they have the right to uh speak to me and tell me what to do. My response now is that's your opinion, and um unless you are my personal counselor, you can keep your opinion to yourself. I don't care to hear it. Thank you. You know, it it would be best just to for you to say, you know what, I am praying for you. Perfect. That's all I need from you. Thank you so much. All right, well, that was a long intro to all

John Responds With Regret

SPEAKER_02 12:25

this. Um, what you got over there, John?

SPEAKER_01 12:28

Well, I would add to your very last statement, um, and actually pray for me, not just say you're going to. Because there's a lot of folks that will say, Oh, I'm praying for you, but they really aren't. And yeah, it's a it's a hard gosh, it's a hard topic. And um there's a lot of uncertainty and fear and pain wrapped all in that conversation. You know, like you said, it's it is there's no easy choices. It's it might seem easy, but it there's no easy choices, and you know, s sadly I I haven't made it easy either. Um and I man, I regret that. But it's uh you know a the commitment part of it is the is the hard thing to walk away from you know, there's all the and especially you know, with the with our kids and the witness, I mean there's so many like you said, there's no one thing that you know it's it's and I think that there's some design in that, that there's a lot of attachment points and there's a lot of there's a lot of consequences and they don't end and it's you know it's it's an incredibly sobering thought to even ponder and you know to have to go down that road. So you know, I'm grateful and thankful that we aren't there, and I recognize, you know, the multiple times that we've been you know on the brink of that and you know the ongoing work to continue to move the other direction from that and the healing and gosh, you know, it it wasn't supposed to take this long, and you know, I've been I've had my times of being mad at God that it has taken as long as it has, and I know that it's not his fault.

SPEAKER_02 15:11

But I was about to say, uh wait a second, and he's like he's like the father. We talked about the father and the prodigal son. Right.

SPEAKER_01 15:21

He's he's you know that's that's the uh you know, I've had to work through those things uh myself and understand that it, you know, it's not his fault. He's he's waiting to heal, anxious to heal because he put us here with a mission, and the longer that we're unhealed, the less time that we're on mission. And you know, there's yeah, so there's a lot of uh pain and regret in that in that thought process. And I appreciate how um poignantly you shared it as well.

SPEAKER_02 16:08

It's not it's not like oh it's an easy decision. Oh I'll just okay. It's not it is not an easy decision. And it it it comes with such uh pain, such really because you couldn't get your act together. Really? Really, you're gonna allow it to come to this. For what? For what? Literally, for what? For what? I mean, it is it is utterly ridiculous what unfaithfulness does. And when I say unfaithfulness, the list is um infidelity, lying, deception, manipulation, hiding, all of the things God said don't do it. And oh, there's a reason for that. There's a reason for that. Look at all the suffering. For what? For what? To get your jollies for you know, for what? You're ego stroked? For what? You're here on this earth for a blip.

SPEAKER_00 17:26

Right.

SPEAKER_02 17:26

And you want to horn dog it around, blow your family up for what? As a Christ, as a proclaimed Christ follower. Man, that just doesn't make sense to me. Other than it kind of does make sense to me. Well, when when I realize, well, of course. When you're selfish, when you're only looking out for number one, well, of course. When when you've grown up manipulating people to do your bidding, when you've grown up playing the victim, of course, it makes sense. And what's crazy is I grew up uh being blamed. I never saw myself as a victim. I was like, why is everybody blaming me? I didn't even do it, I wasn't even near the scene of the crime. Why am I getting blamed? And so you're the victim. I'm getting blamed for doing stuff. What a what a perfect match. And Satan goes, hey, let's just click these two together. What a fire! I will burn this whole thing down. And holy smokes, wow, did he ever yeah?

Boundaries That Make Staying Safer

SPEAKER_02 18:50

So it it's not y'all, this is not a uh haphazard decision to separate, and we've been separated I think longer in the last what, six, seven, eight years than we've been together, stayed together. Uh and and that was uh my boundaries that I learned how to put into place that you know if you want to lie, that's your decision to make. That's your you can lie. Go ahead. I'm not gonna be in a relationship with you if you're gonna lie. If you want to hide stuff, you absolutely have that choice to make. I would not recommend it. But if you do, I mean, I can't stop you. I'm not gonna threaten you. What I'm gonna do is I will pack my bag and I will leave for a while, which was easier when the kids weren't living here. So now I I'll just go sleep in the She-Shack if I need to. That way my body can rest, I can heal, I can um get the sleep that I need, not be awake at three o'clock in the morning ruminating over stuff. Um, by the way, one thing I've learned, ladies out there, if y'all are in the boat that I have been in a lot of my adult life with waking up at three in the morning, I have started um number one, praying, and I'll pray scripture. It is um, oh my gosh, powerful. So powerful. Then the next thing that if I'm still awake after praying through a couple of scriptures, just ones that I've memorized, simple, Psalm 23, Psalm 100, some, you know, just simple, simple ones. I will listen to um, I really like the hymns that are have been made into more common uh songs I get, not they're still the hymns, but they're more um updated as far as the music side of things. And so I just I listen and it helps me relax and eventually go back to sleep. And also it helps because I can put my AirPods in, turn on the uh transparency, turn off the transparency, and go into silent mode. And then I don't even have to hear you breathe over there, John. Don't even have to hear you breathe. And it's like I'm in my own little cocoon, he's not even there. So just a little side note there, a little side note, something to do. But to yeah, to nail it down to one thing. Thing of or even five things of why I stayed. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. I can tell well, here's the one thing I do know. I was pacing one time over in my She-Shack when I was staying over there for a season. And I was begging God, God, you've got to let me out of this relationship. This is not healthy. This is hurting me. And even though you couldn't see bruises on the exterior, I was beaten and battered and bruised on the inside. A lot of stab wounds. And I just said, God, this is ridiculous. This is unnecessary. Why do I have to stay in this? Just, you know, what say you? Can I divorce John? Is this over? Are you done with us? And I will never forget this. As clear as I can hear myself right now talking, I heard God say, no, not yet. Not yet. Just wait. Wait a little bit. Wait a little bit longer. Like, are you kidding me? And this was this was um early on. It's it's been a while since I was in that in that place. Years. And I have not gotten a green light. Now I have seen some glimpses of um, oi, is this behavior going to continue? And if so, how how do I, if I'm gonna stay, I want to stay well. I want to stay um where I can remain healthy, where I can uh be myself and live my life. And he's gonna do what he's gonna do regardless. So I um I have chosen many times to just pull back, to distance myself, to create some space, um, to emotionally separate, and that's helped a lot, especially when there's manipulation going on, especially when there's lying going on. Um yeah, there is a time when uh distancing emotionally, mentally, is valid and necessary. And it it has helped me so much to stop with the um that hyper-vigilant stuff, the obsessive rumination, which then leads to anxiety. Oh my gosh. And I came to a point, I don't know, a couple years ago, I think, where I said, What in the world? I'm talking to myself, which I do a lot. What are you doing? Why are you giving this person rent-free space in your head? Really? What wait a second. You've done that for all these years. It's time to stop. It's time that you focus on you, sister. What do you want? And you know what? I don't know that I've ever I had really seriously ever asked myself that question. What, Kim, what do you want? Where do you want to be in a year? Where do you want to be in two years? Where do you see yourself in five years? I had no idea when I began asking myself that question. No idea. I knew that I didn't want to have to go through a divorce. I knew that I didn't want my family to get hurt anymore by um the shrapnel of infidelity and unfaithfulness. I I knew that much. I knew I wanted to stop hurting, that it was it did not suit my purpose to continue to attempt any kind of marital relationship with a person who could not be brutally honest with me and was unwilling to figure out what the heck. Why can't you be honest? Why you still hide stuff? Why you why can't you just be transparent? And to not um be seeking that out, be more concerned with I think, and you can correct me if I'm wrong, you were more concerned with my behavior than you were with your behavior, with your responses. You were more concerned, and and you would get pissed off by my response to how you treated me. And so you became defensive, right? Sure. Yep. And and I was just tired of it. It was this dad gum uh merry-go-round that would never stop.

SPEAKER_01 27:30

And it wasn't merry.

SPEAKER_02 27:32

No, and I just said, you know what? I'm jumping off. I'm jumping off. I'm not playing this flipping game anymore. You know, when we have discussions, you can stay on the subject or not. When you change the subject, I'm done. The discussion is over. I'll I'll attempt to bring it back to what we're talking about, but I'm not, I'm just I'm not playing that game anymore. And and so for me, that has helped a lot for me to be able to stay and stay healthy. So that's where I am at this point. Uh well, today, you know, tomorrow's a whole new day. There's just no telling. Um, yeah, I I don't, nothing is etched in stone, nothing is um permanent. This is fluid, it is fluctuating. Um yeah, there's there's nothing that in my gut that tells me, John, that you will remain faithful to me. So I have to be prepared to um have my own back. And I do have my own back. I am prepared. So I see you looking at your iPad. What you got?

SPEAKER_01 29:03

Oh, I'm I'm just listening.

SPEAKER_02 29:06

Did you prepare anything? Play the music for the silence.

SPEAKER_01 29:18

Yeah. I mean I was looking at the notes and so and the answer is no. Um, I usually prepare to respond. Uh you know, I don't prepare a second set of notes.

SPEAKER_02 29:36

But um well, let me ask you this question then.

John On Image Fear And Avoidance

SPEAKER_02 29:39

Why did you stay? If you needed all this stuff that you weren't getting in a marriage a long, long time ago, why did you stay?

SPEAKER_01 29:52

Well, but it was because it was my commitment. And having been through a divorce as a kid, I didn't want to ever experience that again.

SPEAKER_02 30:05

Uh okay, well, uh hang on, because now I I have all these other questions that are rolling through my mind. Then why did you do the things that would promote and predict and precipitate a divorce?

SPEAKER_01 30:23

Yeah. I mean if you didn't want it. My own fear and brokenness drove all that.

SPEAKER_02 30:31

I mean and it shows me you weren't committed. You weren't committed to a marriage, you were committed to you not feeling uncomfortable. If you really want to get down to it, that's what it is. I mean, that's why people, that's why it's we as humans don't like the uncomfortable. We can't we it's hard for us to sit with someone when they're hurting. We think we have to say something spectacular and be all-knowing. We're not. They just want to know that hey, I'm here. I'm gonna show up for you. I'm here, I care. You don't have to be some awesome speaker or anything. Heck, look at me. You know, good gravy.

SPEAKER_01 31:16

Yeah, I I don't like discomfort and and haven't.

SPEAKER_02 31:22

Mm-hmm. Because truly a commitment, John, if you were committed to a marriage, you said the vows forsaking all others. You couldn't even do that. That was a lie on our wedding day because you had an addiction. And what is so hard about just saying that? Why do you want to package everything? What does it profit you? That's what Satan does, by the way. He comes as as a lion, as light, as this, but he's not. He's a deceiver and he's a liar. If you were truly committed to marriage, you would have held to your vows. That's what commitment is. And you didn't. You didn't. I didn't. You didn't even forsake yourself. True. So well, you want to try again, maybe? Think. Yeah, I'll give you like we give our groups, I'll give you a few seconds. Think about think about how you're feeling. Would you like try please be honest? Dude, just be honest. I I there the storms are gone. Lightning's not gonna come through and strike you.

unknown 33:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 33:01

It's not we've we've gone through a lot worse. I don't know what you're afraid of.

SPEAKER_01 33:08

Uh I'm not afraid of anything. I am being honest. I I stayed.

SPEAKER_02 33:14

So commitment is why you stayed.

SPEAKER_01 33:17

Yeah. I was What were you committed to then? Well, that's I was committed to not getting a divorce. I was committed to maintaining my image. I was committed to I I was afraid of being alone. I was afraid of the consequences and the pain. I mean and that was that was the that was the core of that commitment was avoiding all of the negative consequences. It wasn't a positive commitment to being a healthy and whole husband.

SPEAKER_02 34:04

Would you have said all of that had I not said and questioned that commitment statement? Because that was leading not only me, but our listeners to, well, I don't know what it was, listeners, you're you think what you think, but it led me to think you were committed to the marriage.

SPEAKER_01 34:25

I was committed to the marriage, but not in a healthy way. I was committed to not going down the same path that I had experienced. And and so I didn't ever want that. But I what I didn't know was how to be healthy and in communication, in relationship. And so I had all of these screwed up ideas about sex, about what intimacy was, what even what relationships were. I didn't I had no clue. I had never had that modeled at all. And so it it was, you know, I was in self-protect mode for most of our marriage.

SPEAKER_02 35:21

When have you not been in self-protect mode? When did that end?

SPEAKER_01 35:26

I didn't say it's ended. It's it's just I have been in self-protect mode for most of our marriage. So there are 99%. Yeah, uh well, a whole lot of people.

SPEAKER_02 35:40

Even to today.

SPEAKER_01 35:41

Yeah, I'm still I still battle that. I absolutely battle that every single day. And and I'm I'm growing in that area and learning how to actually have intimate conversation and be authentic.

SPEAKER_02 36:03

Who are you having intimate conversations with?

SPEAKER_01 36:06

Well, I think I'm having intimate conversations with you.

unknown 36:10

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 36:13

All right.

SPEAKER_02 36:16

Very I would say seldom. Seldom. We have conversations. Yaw. Yah. Okay. Any more? Anything else? We're actually not gonna go very long on this one. I say very long. We're actually gonna try to keep to our little 40-minute-ish. Try not to go an hour here.

SPEAKER_01 36:43

Um I I have said enough.

SPEAKER_02 36:46

I know enough to know I have said enough. Why do you put your hand? What was that about? I've said enough. Am I coming after you or something? No, get a gravy. No, not at all. You got that look on your face, like, what do you mean commitment? When I said when I questioned that you are committed. Good gravy.

SPEAKER_01 37:12

It's it is uh yeah, there's so much to unpack on all of these issues that it's it's just you know, it's it's a struggle at times to wrap my head around and dig down into the you know, into the thoughts behind the feelings because I get so overwhelmed with the feelings and I gotta remind myself that that's not what's really driving it, it's the thoughts behind it. And so the more I can pause and give a lot of dead air, I can I can get behind that. And you know, it's it is um it's it's easier. You know, I was telling the guys in my group last night when I can take an issue and and set it to the side so that I can stand beside you and look at the issue and it's not an issue that's between us, then I can stay a lot more grounded and actually approach the issue and the conversation in a much more um healthy way. And I still suck at that, but agreed. I'm getting better at it or I should say I'm improving your my ability to stay grounded and stay in the conversation and not get um too overwhelmed.

SPEAKER_02 39:16

Yeah. Okay. It's yeah, you're better than you have ever been. Uh however, yeah, it's still very uh reminiscent of past all the all the times when I've voiced my um concerns and feelings in the past, and I get the deer in the head light look and um the defensiveness and uh well, yeah, that's a conversation for another day, but it still takes me a bit to get my head on straight. Yeah, I don't I don't get that. I mean, I I just I'm like if you're telling the truth, if you're honest, if you're transparent, and if you care and are curious about what's going on with me, why is that so hard? I just don't get it. So I don't yeah.

SPEAKER_01 40:18

Well, is it it's breaking through a whole um lot of baggage?

SPEAKER_02 40:27

Lies. Lies upon lies upon lies upon lies, layers of lies that you've told yourself, I think, that you well, that you've believed the thoughts that come through, you just automatically believe. Take off and run with a thought, and yeah, don't ask. You're on the don't ask, don't tell. You started that. Oh my gosh, are you like a secret government spy? And so you're giving them this information on the on the how to do things, because yeah, some of them are following your lead very, very perfectly. Anywho, all right.

SPEAKER_01 41:10

Well, I know this is like a not a non-answer to the question, but I mean But but that's the that's the reality, is there is no good answer to most of these questions.

SPEAKER_02 41:25

Well, and everyone's everyone's gonna be different, every situation's gonna be different. It's

Faith Self Worth And Asking What You Want

SPEAKER_02 41:30

not we are not the same. It's like when Jesus, I was reading a story today, and I'll I'll hear us say we were gonna go shorter, but this is I think a very important point to this. Um, he he was in Luke. I don't know, maybe not in Luke. Don't get me down on this. Um, yeah. Don't hold me to it because I'm not a biblical scholar. I I read it and I take it at face value. Um that I think it's in the same journey that Jesus was on. The ritual young ruler came to him and asked him, What must I do to inherit? And in this word, inherit eternal life. It is Luke. Oh, look at me go. And Jesus said, you know, told him what it was. He said, you know all the commandments, but you're still hanging on to all the stuff, all the stuff, your money, you know, you think that's gonna save you, and that's going to um keep you, keep you all uh safe. And uh, you know, and Jesus is, I think, still talking to his disciples, and he he tells them how difficult it is for those who have wealth to enter his kingdom. And they ask him because they it it kind of threw them back. They were saddened by it, and they ask him, Well, how could how could anyone ever be saved? And that's when he said, What's impossible with man is possible with God. And so he keeps on this journey, and he comes uh to somewhere around uh Jericho, he's headed to Jerusalem, and there's a blind man asking for, you know, they they would sit, well, kind of like they do on our street corners, sit there and beg for money. Except these the ones that do it here aren't blind. I think they're ripoff artists. Anywho, that's not here nor there. And and he asked, he's just sitting there begging. He didn't ask Jesus for anything. Jesus asked him what he wanted. What do you want? And his response was I would I want to see. And instantly he received what he asked for. Life changed forever. And he began to follow Jesus, praising and honoring him, and even leading others who saw that happen to do the same. And what struck me was one guy asked and didn't receive the answer he wanted, and so left discouraged. Hanging on to what he thought was the truth. His stuff. It was very important to him. And then the second man who had nothing. Nothing. He was begging just to make it through the day. He was asked, What do you want? And received. That is very, very fascinating to me. And then the next story of Zicaeus. I mean, wow. Just all these to encounter Jesus is to encounter truth. And just because God told me no in that moment of begging him to let me out of this relationship. Because he knows what's on the other side. I don't. Do you, John?

SPEAKER_01 45:43

I don't. I don't even know what's on this side.

SPEAKER_02 45:46

Heck, John, you could drop dead tomorrow and poof. I mean, all my stuff. It's all boom. Problem solved.

SPEAKER_03 45:56

Right.

SPEAKER_02 45:57

Heck, I could drop dead tomorrow or tonight. Boom, problem solved. I'm in the presence of Jesus. Hallelujah. No problem there. I mean, we don't know the end. God does. And if my responsibility is to love God and then love others in the same way that I love myself. And if I can't love myself, I can't love others well. And so that's where what I'm striving to do is love God first. And then because I can receive his love, and because I can learn to love myself, and it's a daily struggle, a daily battle, then I can give that love out and love others well. And you know, loving loving you, John, well is um you you're alive and breathing right now, and you know, I'm not gonna turn my uh emotions, my feelings into felonies tonight. So keep it upright, keep it on the up and up. That's that's what we're charged with, y'all. And a lot of times that means guess what? I don't get my way. I'm thinking separation, divorce will bring me relief. And you know what? Those times of separation is absolutely necessary and vital to my health and healing. But as of right now, God has said no to divorce. Now, that doesn't mean I have not discussed what it will take. That does not mean that I haven't gotten information from an attorney. That doesn't mean that I'm just sitting back and going, okay, God's got this. Nope. I'm still doing my part. I still employ healthy boundaries, I still do my work, and I know what it will take for this uh couple here sitting behind these microphones to go through. Well, I know it's gonna take to get it started. I don't know what it would look like going through it, never been through it, and I don't want to go through it. No one ever, I don't get married saying, hey, you know what, one of these days, how about we get a divorce? Woo! Sounds fun. Yeah, let's do it. Let's just try this out. Now, you get married to grow old together, to have fun together, to laugh, to go play pickleball in Kentucky, to go, you know, get memberships at top golf and just whale on some balls and try to get the most points, have a good time. You get married to grow a family, to watch your kids grow, to then have grandkids that oh my goodness, I laugh so dadgum much with those grand. Oh my gosh, just it's that's what God, I think, intended for us to honor each other, right? Not to honor ourselves by taking advantage of each other, right? So my goal in this, and until um God man, he may not ever release me, my goal is to become as healthy and whole as I can be. And when you, John, determine in your heart to make the necessary changes to do the same, we'll maybe meet up on the same road somewhere and can figure it out. That's what we're doing, figuring it out as we go.

SPEAKER_00 50:11

Right.

Hope Help And How To Reach Us

SPEAKER_02 50:12

So, all right, Ed Gim, gonna wrap it up. There I went, 50 minutes. Shoot! My apologies, y'all. Any last word there?

SPEAKER_01 50:23

Just that um hopefully you hear the difficulty in the conversation, and that gives you permission to struggle with your own difficult conversation and your own difficult journey in making that choice and decision. And um you know, my prayer for you is that you choose to stay well, and both of you choose to stay well and begin to heal together. And if there's any way we can help, please reach out.

SPEAKER_02 51:03

I think that after them hearing God's coming, how can they help us? They can't even get their own shaitanqua together. Good creepy.

SPEAKER_01 51:11

Well, sometimes sometimes the best help comes from those that are limping alongside of you, not those that are racing ahead.

SPEAKER_02 51:19

Yep, we are growing our uh our muscles for sure in this journey, in this battle. Speaking of limping along, hey, join us next time because our next podcast is going to be titled Walking with an Emotional Limp. Dot dot dot. All right, y'all. Thank you for joining us tonight. Today, in the morning, in the evening. We don't know when we're recording this. We don't even know where we are. We're sequestered somewhere hidden. Yeah. We're on our ranch. Yee-haw. Anyway, y'all, thanks for your time for listening. I hope there's a nugget in there that you can pull out that um you're not alone. There are others struggling right along with you. There is help. There is hope. Uh, I really challenge y'all to please, please seek um a group, seek a community who will lift you up, who will validate you, who will um allow you to be seen, felt, and heard in your struggle. Don't, oh, if I could, I try not to give any advice, but you don't have to do this alone. There is a community and there's help out there. So seek that. And if you need some places, you can go to our website. We have a couple of places that we uh partner with in our journey. They are fabulous. And thanks for joining us. And until next time, God bless. Thank you for taking the time to listen today. Remember, you are more than what happened to you. We'd be honored to come alongside and guide you on your healing journey. Connect with us at www.hurtmeetshealer.com. Until next time. God bless.