I Want A Partner, Not A Project

Your marriage can survive a lot, but betrayal has a unique way of turning love into labor. When infidelity hits, trust is not the only thing that breaks. Safety breaks. Reality breaks. And for many betrayed spouses, the relationship quietly becomes a full-time project: checking phones, tracking moods, chasing transparency, and doing the emotional work of recovery for two people.

Kim and John get painfully honest about the difference between a partner and a project. We talk through why “fixing” is such a strong pull after sexual betrayal trauma, and why it still fails to create real change. Kim lays out what she needs to experience a true partner: emotional accountability, sexual faithfulness by choice, consistent effort, and respect for the marriage as a team. We also unpack the costs of overfunctioning, from hypervigilance and delayed healing to losing your identity, and we name the pressure points that keep people stuck, including shame, fear, and religious or cultural expectations.

You’ll leave with practical clarity, including three questions to test whether change is real, guidance on healthy boundaries that protect your healing, and a grounded reminder that your agency matters. If you’re trying to rebuild after infidelity, navigating betrayal trauma triggers, or wondering when it’s time to stop babysitting what someone else broke, this conversation is for you. Subscribe, share with someone who needs it, and leave a review so more people can find hope and solid help.

Thank you for listening! For more information about us and the services we offer, visit www.hurtmeetshealer.com.

Intro & Outro music written, performed, and produced by Kim Capps.

This podcast is for informational purposes only and should not be considered legal, medical, or professional advice. The views expressed by the Host or any Guest(s) are strictly their own and in no way constitute legal, medical, or professional advice.
Copyright ©️ 2026, Hurt Meets Healer, LLC. All rights reserved.

Transcript

Welcome And Why We’re Here

SPEAKER_01 0:06

Hi, and welcome to the Hurt Me Taylor Podcast. I'm Kim Caps, your host and president of Hurt Meets Healer LLC, a business tree, business plus ministry that was created to help individuals and couples walking through the devastating impact of sexual addiction and infidelity. Thanks for joining me today. Hey y'all, welcome back. Welcome back to the Hurt Me's Healer Podcast. It's uh Kim and John is actually here again. Imagine that.

SPEAKER_00 0:44

Right? Glad to be here.

SPEAKER_01 0:47

And you are hiding behind my editor. I am out of the length of it. It's okay. I don't have to see you. It's probably better that I don't. Although I'm talking to you, so it's kind of weird, but I can always put a camera on you. I know how you like that.

SPEAKER_00 1:08

Right.

Partner Not Project After Infidelity

SPEAKER_01 1:10

So tonight, yeah, it is tonight because we're actually recording in the evening again. Um, on this episode, we're going to be talking. The subject line is I want a partner, not a project. And following infidelity in a marriage, I know for me, I can only speak from my experience and from what I have learned and hear the experts say, and hear other betrayed spouses speak to, is sexual infidelity turns, it can have the capability, and for me, it turned my marriage into a project. It's I thought um, well, it it started, I think, long before where um you're a fixer, John, right? You want to fix things.

SPEAKER_00 2:05

I sure want to. I'm discovering I'm not very good at it.

SPEAKER_01 2:11

Right. But that's your that's your MO when you um when a situation arises, you want to fix it. That's that's your desire is to fix. And here's here's the uh here's the truth and the reality, y'all. We can't fix anyone. We can't fix anyone. We can't even fix ourselves. What we can do is what we'll talk about in the next episode, a little um teaser here. We can put our hands down, and what we can do is be willing to uh accept our actions, take accountability, take responsibility, and do the work to be a different human being. Do the work to change. We I needed to change. I'm not gonna speak for you, John. I can tell you from my point of view what I think, but oh, I absolutely needed to change and still have lots of things that are not uh where I want them to be. Mm-hmm. Right. So infidelity doesn't just break trust, it has the ability to turn your marriage into a project. And for me, I I had a lot of blame um before having discovery of what was going on in this relationship. I had a lot of blame put on me, even from early on as a child. I've been going and doing some inner child work, going deeper back to what shaped my thoughts on things and why I uh react the way I react to certain things and respond the way I respond. And it is fascinating to come to an understanding of what shapes you. For me, it's been an amazing journey to understand a little more. I don't understand it fully, but I understand more the dynamics that shaped me into uh being who I have been. I'm not that same person any longer. Thank goodness. But accepting blame, I accepted blame as a kid uh for things, and I would I say I accepted it, I re actually rebelled against it and I would get angry. I would be falsely accused of something by one of my siblings. I didn't do it, and then I would get mad because I'm falsely accused, and I wasn't, I think I was not ever heard fully, and so I carried that into adulthood of well, no one's gonna listen, so why even try? Why even, you know, I'm gonna have to get big to be heard, I'm gonna have to get angry to be heard, and that absolutely came into this marriage. And I saw John as this project. I knew, I knew he had issues. It was evident in um the way he behaved and talked and uh behaved. So, and I that's not saying I didn't have issues either. I didn't come into the marriage with an addiction. That that's the the difference. I had my own issues with uh wanting acceptance, wanting to not be blamed, wanting to be able to live in freedom. And a partner should add to your life. A project drains it. And for me, it absolutely drained me. I tried being different, I tried whatever you demanded, John, to an extent. I I tried to do it. I went to doctors, I went to therapists, I watched this do that, and here's what I learned. That won't fix another person. Pretty fascinating uh information there. Right, and as I began to heal, I thought, well, I'll just bring him along with me. I'm learning all this stuff, I'll share. Oh, oh, nah, nah, that did not work. That didn't work. You pushed back. I I was accused of being accusatory, I was accused of blaming when I was stating the reality of you actually did these things. You know, anywho, so it was it was draining me. And I cannot heal enough for you, John. I can't heal enough for you to be healed, right? You have to do your own work and your own healing.

SPEAKER_00 7:35

Yeah, absolutely. We're both responsible for our own healing.

SPEAKER_01 7:38

Oh my gosh, dude. I swear I'm gonna get a stick. And I I'm gonna absolutely request.

SPEAKER_00 7:45

I'm responsible for my own healing.

SPEAKER_01 7:47

Thank you. Now, can you do that maybe the first time? And here's what I'm getting at, y'all. I requested that he not wrap me into his admission stuff. He talks for him. I talk for me, I speak for me. And so when he just said, we are responsible for, oh my lord, y'all, my red meter just hit the roof. Hit the roof. Because you are not responsible for me. I am not responsible for you. You speak for you and you alone.

SPEAKER_00 8:21

Yeah, that we was collective.

SPEAKER_01 8:23

I don't care, dude. But and I bet if somebody's out there listening, they could have said, you know what, dude, don't you speak for me? Own your own stuff. That's what this podcast, John, is for us to speak our. You can't we collective, you can't put it out there on other people. And by the way, in your mentoring class, that should have come across um that you don't do that, you speak for you and you alone. Deal?

SPEAKER_00 8:59

Deal. I'm responsible for my own healing. You can't heal for me.

SPEAKER_01 9:04

Correct.

SPEAKER_00 9:06

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 9:08

So, sorry, y'all. We had to take a little rabbit trail there. A project drains it. Yeah. Whereas a partner adds life, adds to your life. Uh infidelity. What a booger. What a booger. Doesn't it doesn't just break trust. That's the big thing. Is uh I think there's a thought process out there on in the um on the unfaithful side that thinks, well, all it was was this or all it was was that. It's not just a broken trust, it is a shattered reality for the betrayed spouse. And they will do whatever it takes to get back to some equilibrium, thus, it becomes a project for them. And so I want to ask this question.

What A Real Partner Looks Like

SPEAKER_01 10:11

I'm asking it of myself. Do I want a partner? I would love a partner. Or am I still signing up to manage damage damage control? So let's talk about this a little bit. So partner. What is a partner? I'm gonna state my definition, and John, you can say yours, and we'll talk about that a little bit. Um so a partner, a partner comes into the relationship and they are emotionally accountable, they are sexually faithful by choice, they are willing to do the hard work alongside you, not off keeping everything hidden in a secret, alongside you, and they respect the marriage as a team. What is your definition of a partner, John? Do you have anything different?

SPEAKER_00 11:18

Uh I wouldn't say different, just I mean, I I I definitely um definitely key on the you know, do the hard work together.

SPEAKER_01 11:30

Um what would that look like to you? How would you do the hard work along with me? I know nothing about your counseling sessions. I know nothing about uh anything that you're doing, really. I see you have appointments on the calendar. That's it. Oh, and then oh, I had a good session today. So what does that mean?

SPEAKER_00 12:05

Yeah, I was I mean, I was referencing the hard work of marriage itself.

SPEAKER_01 12:10

Oh, so you don't have to share with me what's going on with you. Oh, absolutely. That is the hard work of marriage.

SPEAKER_00 12:18

Agreed.

SPEAKER_01 12:19

So hang on a second, because you just said, and we can replay this back if necessary, that you weren't talking about that, you were talking about the marriage alongside me. Explain yourself.

SPEAKER_00 12:40

Yeah, I was actually, I mean, I was thinking a bigger than this particular scenario that we're in. I was just thinking about marriage in general. Yeah, that we do life together.

SPEAKER_01 12:56

Okay, and did you know that two people can do life together in a non-marriage relationship, enjoy it, be fulfilled all the way around? Why is marriage different?

SPEAKER_00 13:14

Because of because of what we give to each other. What I'm responsible to give to you. And what is that? Love, faithfulness, honesty, transparency. Do you do those things? Some things I do better than others. Um I think we're also we're I think safety is another piece of that thing that marriage is a part of, or that is a part of marriage. Being safe, um showing up safe, showing up safe for myself, and then allowing that to translate into being safe for you. And I haven't done that well. Um, there's a lot of these things that I haven't done well. Um understanding the definition of it and living up to it are uh way different. Just like love. I'm growing in understanding of what the definition of love is. Uh however, I you know look back at my performance and I have not delivered that well at all.

SPEAKER_01 14:38

So I concur.

SPEAKER_00 14:41

It's you know, it is a uh you know, defining it is not to say that I'm actually doing it, I'm good at it. Um but knowing what it's supposed to look like and actually delivering it are definitely different. I believe I know what it's supposed to look like. My success in delivering it or performance or whatever you want to call it, my ability to deliver it still lacking in many ways.

SPEAKER_01 15:14

Hmm. Interesting. We may touch on this later. But I'm gonna you told me just a couple of weeks ago you didn't know. I don't know what that looks like, I don't know what empathy looks like, I don't know. I don't know what it looks like, I don't know what to do. But okay, so and that's cool. If you've learned it, I'm too weak. Um I'd be interested to see how it shows up. If it shows up and if it's consistent over time, that's what gets you. All right, so

Defining The Project Dynamic

SPEAKER_01 15:53

a project. You have the partner emotionally accountable, sexually faithful by choice, willing to do the hard work alongside you, and respects the marriage as a team. A project is the spouse who betrays as and is now needing constant monitoring, emotional management, or in quotes, fixing, which is therapy, accountability apps, endless reassurance. Um, in other words, it's like having another child that uh you have to manage and maintain and all these things. And um, yeah. Man, I wish, I wish I get why the betrayer can't, the unfaithful is unable to see these things in the beginning. I get that. I mean, sexual betrayal is one of the deepest wounds, and it's not just about the sex, it's about shattered safety. Shattered safety. So one thing that um I hope we yeah, we'll get to that. Uh so let's just

Why Betrayal Creates Control And Monitoring

SPEAKER_01 17:10

answer this question. Why do we turn a betraying spouse into a project? I mean, I have my reasons listed here. You have anything different, John, before I start running down this list here?

SPEAKER_00 17:25

I I I would the only thing I would add to the list is this desperate um chase to return to some level of safety.

SPEAKER_01 17:38

Yeah. So on the betrayed spouse's side, yes. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, when so when trauma hits our brain, our this is how God actually created us. It is fascinating. And um, I heard a great analogy today of how our brains do that. And once my carousel comes back around in my head, I will share that with you because I can't exactly pinpoint what that was, but it was it was really good. It was on somebody else's podcast, and um so we attempt because of the trauma, betrayal trauma, it it changes our brain structure. I hate that. I don't want that to be the case. I um I didn't want that to be my case. I believe it it did. Now, here's what's great we can heal. We can heal. Our brains have the ability to heal. God made us so fearfully and wonderfully made it's our bodies are fascinating. Why our betraying spouse becomes a project, I think the very first one is an attempt at being safe again. All of a sudden, this person in our, and we talked about safety first the last couple of podcasts. This person that is our go-to, they're our one and only. We committed to them for life. We've built this life together. We have kids possibly, all these things, they have turned our world upside down, shattered it. It will never ever be the same again. There's trauma bonding. I think that betrayal trauma response would describe that safety seeking. We immediately become safety seekers. Um, that's just the natural tendency. That's how our brains are wired to do. Um the fear of starting over. Well, I've had that. I have had that. Um, this in long-term marriages, there's there could be a like a savior-rescuer role thing. There's a ton of shame, just an insurmountable amount of shame on the betrayed spouse. I get that the unfaithful spouse is living in shame, but the shame that's brought on the betrayed spouse is unbelievable. You have a church going, well, you just got to forgive and forget. You have um friends and family saying, When are you gonna get over this? You have other people, you don't even get a casserole. You know, you had this, they just don't understand the devastation that it is literally a nervous system. It is if your nervous system got electrocuted and your brain just exploded. There's self-blame if I'm a better spouse, if I can do this, I'll just, you know, this won't happen again. Oh, I I can I can keep it if I it yeah. No, because the betraying spouse has choice in the matter. They had choice to begin with, they never had to go down that road. Um I mentioned the church, the cultural and religious pressure to you gotta stay married. You can't get divorced, divorce is evil, it's a sin, blah, blah, blah. You know, sometimes divorce is life-saving. I don't hold divorce in this sacred category any longer. I did for a long time that, oh my gosh, it's that's why I stayed in my marriage for as long as I have. I it was beating to my brain. And I endured a lot of abuse that I did not have to endure. And yeah, I I it's not sacred, sometimes it's life saving. So, and how this can help, I say help, how we think this helps us, it's not the truth, but it's this it's a feeling of control. You're trying to gain some control of something somewhere. Um, avoid trying to avoid more pain, trying to avoid uh divorce, um people looking at you differently or whatever. And so um a couple of things. Well, hang on before I go on. You have anything to add, John? You can bud in at any time.

SPEAKER_00 22:39

No, I go ahead.

SPEAKER_01 22:43

All right, there you go. That's how I like him here over there, quiet.

Signs You’re Overfunctioning

SPEAKER_01 22:49

Okay, so so here's some things to if you're questioning, wow, am I treating uh this thing as a project? If you're constantly checking. Now, I will say this in in the heightened state, and this last it can last up to two years, even, but especially in those first six, eight months, especially if there has not been a full disclosure, especially if the your spouse is still acting out, especially if continued lying and hiding and defensiveness, as long as that continues, there will be hypervigilance, which is checking locations and phones and um all of these things, being hyper-aware of anything that looks, smells, seems out of place. Um finding podcasts, doing reading all the books, doing all the work, becoming their therapist, uh walking on eggshells. We can't talk about this, we can't talk about that, and doing all of the emotional labor of recovery while they don't. They're not carrying their weight. And y'all, I am guilty. Guilty on all accounts. And wow, wow. Here's where I found freedom when I stopped. And y'all, it took help. I couldn't do this by myself. It took getting in a group, it took getting professional, um, but trauma trained, addiction-trained counseling, not some willy-nilly counselor at down at the corner, whatever, even at church, a specialist. And they are out there. You can find them. If you are having trouble finding them, shoot me an email, Kim at Hurt Meets Healer. I will give you a place to go where you can find good mentors, good counselors, good people that can help you if you're looking for groups. They are good ones are out there that can help you if you're in this state, because you don't have to stay there. You don't have to stay there. It will cost you. It will cost you emotionally, it'll cost you physically, it'll cost you mentally. You will become exhausted. I did. I became so weary. And I remember in our in a lot of my groups, uh, before I started facilitating, we would check in. A lot of us ladies would check in weary. We were so tired, so tired of attempting to get through to our husbands that they are hurting us. Not only did they hurt us, they continue to hurt us. And why won't they stop? Ah, and just weary of the repeat. Another cost is delayed healing and repeated trauma triggers. Now, triggers should decrease. If you don't have, I heard a therapist today say, if you don't have triggers, we will we're gonna be kind of worried about you because that is a normal, normal psychological thing that happens. If you're not having triggers, is when we become worried that you're having triggers, you're just that you're normal. You're normal. Welcome to the club. And however, as healing begins, those should lessen. You'll still have them, you'll have them for years, decades even. However, what will happen is they will not hold that same power over you. You may think of the same incident and you know, do a quick grounding exercise and you're good. You move on. It takes time, it's not an overnight thing, and again, it requires help. Another cost of um creating a project of your spouse is you lose yourself. I lost my self-respect and identity. I became this person that I did not want to be. Now there were still betrayals going on, there was still massive lying, massive manipulation, massive defensiveness. Everything was an attack. Well, good lord, that's still happening today. And it I it took years, it took years, y'all, for me to realize oh my gosh, this is not who I want to be. Why am I allowing what this other person does to control me and my attitude and my thoughts and my um self-worth? And that took groups again, and very well-knowledgeable counseling. Um, it also can affect the impact, it will impact your kiddos and your entire family dynamics. And a lot of points, a lot of endpoints that are breaking points that many reach is, well, I'm rebuilding, I would say I'm rescuing him, but no one's rescuing me. I'm rebuilding him, but nobody's rebuilding me. And so how do you shift from

Shifting Lanes And Becoming Safe

SPEAKER_01 28:54

that? How do you shift from a project to a partner or and and or how do you know when to walk away? Great, great questions. Anything, John, before we continue on?

SPEAKER_00 29:09

I think it highlights the um, you know, the need to stay in our own lane and and really seek our our own healing. And that's, you know, because I can't help somebody out of my so let me see if I can say this correctly. Oh, I'm on the edge of my seat. I can I can help somebody because of because of healing from my brokenness, but I can't typically I can't help somebody when I'm in the middle of my brokenness. So for what what I've am learning in this journey is if if I'm drowning, I I I can't save anybody else. I can't help anybody else. And that's where you know understanding being safe for myself is what allows me to have even the possibility of showing up safe for you or anybody else.

SPEAKER_01 30:25

I'm gonna unpack that one of these times because that seems that you're um I'm gonna be safe for me before I'm gonna be safe for you. I deserve it first, Kim, and then maybe I'll give it to you. But I can't do it unless I'm safe.

SPEAKER_00 30:48

Yeah, that's for me.

SPEAKER_01 30:50

That doesn't make sense to me. Either you're a safe human being all the way around, or you're not. I don't know that there's I can be safe for me, but I can't be safe for you, or I can be safe for you, but I'm not safe for me. You're either safe or you're not, because it's a character, it is a mindset, it is a heart set.

SPEAKER_00 31:15

I agree.

SPEAKER_01 31:16

So, how do you get safe for you first and then you can be safe for me? Wouldn't wouldn't it be more prudent to just become a safe person all the way around? Why are you focusing on you? Haven't you done that enough in your life?

SPEAKER_00 31:39

Yeah, it it it it is both. Uh I I agree. Um and it's not one it's not one ahead of the other. It is simply the recognition that if my thought life is unsafe, um, then I'll never be able to be safe. So if I can't be safe inside my own head for myself, I'll never be safe for anybody else. And that's that's the taking every thought captive, that's understanding my identity, that's all of those things. It is not a, oh, I've got to focus on on me before I can focus on anybody else. That's that's not where that comes from. It is simply the recognition that if internally, if I'm screwed, if I'm broken internally, I I can't be whole for anybody else.

SPEAKER_01 32:40

What if you'll never be whole and you have to come in your brokenness? Well, and that's as iron sharpens iron, we are supposed to what bring life to each other. Correct. So if you have to come to me already whole.

SPEAKER_00 33:01

Yeah, that that didn't come out right. The what what I'm what I'm and thanks for pointing that out. No. It is a it is simply to say Do you know what you're saying?

SPEAKER_01 33:13

Do you know what you're thinking?

SPEAKER_00 33:14

Well, I do know. It's just articulating it is is um it it it if I'm if I'm all messed up in my thinking, then I'm never gonna be able to be safe. And and that's all I was trying to articulate with saying I have to learn how to be safe in my own head. Because if it's if it's messed up in my own head, then it's always gonna come out.

SPEAKER_01 33:45

You're not a safe human being. Right. So you need to become a safe human being. Correct. Why wouldn't you just say that? I have to become a safe human being all the way around on every point.

SPEAKER_00 34:00

It does, yes.

SPEAKER_01 34:01

You're caveating it and making it so confusing and a bit um much. I for me. I am the country girl English version. I like it simple. Are you throwing stuff at me?

SPEAKER_00 34:16

No. I dropped my phone.

SPEAKER_01 34:20

And um it appears that complication is the C in your middle name. Yeah, it can it can be as simple as I must be a safe human being. And how do I do that? How do I become a safe human being? And I think it's very simple, and I'll get to that if we have time at the end here. Um, so how do we sit how do we shift? How do you get from um working on a project to being a partner? And when do you know when to walk away? And I the first step is seek healing for yourself. You cannot show up as a partner from well, what you were just saying. Were you reading off my list from place of brokenness? And uh, there's my staying right there. You I cannot heal enough for my spouse to be healed. I can't heal enough for anyone else to be healed. I can heal for me, and hopefully that encourages those around me to seek healing, but I can't do that work for them.

Three Questions To Measure Change

SPEAKER_01 35:43

So here are some questions to ask. Three questions. And uh, you can write these down or replay this. Well, it should be in the transcript. Is my spouse taking full ownership without defensiveness? Is my spouse taking full ownership without defensiveness? And number two, are they doing consistent work? Do they have a counselor? Are they being transparent? Are they working to rebuild trust by being safe without me having to manage it and without me having to continually ask for it? I shouldn't have to ask. I'll say this to you, John. I shouldn't have to ask for you to be safe. I shouldn't have to ask for you to show up safe. I shouldn't have to ask for transparency. That should be something you do out of your character. And out of, as in your words, love. I'm learning what love is. You do that out of love, out of honor, out of the marriage vows that you made. And then the third is do I feel safe and desired again? Do I feel safe and desired again? So those three questions to ask. And then some just some practical tools. Oh, well, I'll wait. Do you have any any addition to that? John? No.

SPEAKER_00 37:26

No. Are you okay over there?

SPEAKER_01 37:27

Did I wake you up? You alright?

SPEAKER_00 37:34

I'm quite I'm quite wide awake a hundred percent.

SPEAKER_01 37:39

All right. Double checking. I can't see you, so just checking. So practical tools.

Boundaries And Performative Recovery

SPEAKER_01 37:45

And and oh my goodness, this first one's highly, highly, I think, so important. Boundaries. Healthy boundaries, healthy, healthy boundaries. Boundaries that protect your healing. And boundaries are what you will accept in your life, not a control for anyone else. Boundaries are what you will do if someone disrespects you, if someone um abuses you, if someone manipulates boundaries are for you and your safety. It is not um you will do this or that you know, on your partner. No, you're just like, look, I you act however you want. However, here's what I'm gonna do. If you show up like this, and I've said this many times, if you become defensive in a conversation, John, I will leave the conversation. I will exit that conversation because that is not a constructive and helpful conversation. So boundaries. Number one, another uh tool would be watching for um early indicators of genuine change versus performative effort. Now you might could speak to something, you might could speak to this, John. Did you do did you try to perform your way out of this to make everything be okay or appear to be okay?

SPEAKER_00 39:24

Yeah, early on, I uh I thought I didn't realize how deep the hurt hurts were, how deep my own brokenness was, and uh you know, my fixing uh personality or tendency or whatever you want to call it, um was kicking in, and you know, I tried to act better and not necessarily be better.

SPEAKER_01 39:54

Yeah. So and you know, that's it, that's watching. You have to observe, is there genuine change? And that is consistent, provable behavior over time, and it does take time, especially when there's been years and years of uh unhealthy activity going on and betrayal. And

Sex, Triggers, And Real Recovery Timelines

SPEAKER_01 40:23

then another tool that you could employ is uh involved sexual connection. And when is that healthy? We have a podcast coming, uh, it's gonna be one of our last podcasts, I think, in this season that will talk about when will sex return to this marriage. You, as the betrayed spouse, I as the betrayed spouse determine that, not my unfaithful spouse. I get to set the pace because this is my body. I get to determine if I feel safe, if I'm um, if I think it's a healthy thing to do and helpful. Uh, because that was used as a tool in my marriage. That was used as a tool, and it was used as a coping mechanism. Um, I think it still is. And so it, you know, it's take it at your own pace when you feel safe, when you think it's healthy. And like I said, I think it's episode 23, is what I have on my list over here. We'll talk about that a little bit more down the line. And then keeping realistic expectations of how long recovery is gonna take, especially uh if usually, yeah, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna say that. It's rarely under two years, and I know a lot of people want to put these timelines on it. Everyone has different experiences, different paces, different counselors, different we're all different, we're all on a different um healing. It's the same but different. We're not living the same lives.

SPEAKER_00 42:26

Well, we're not all starting from the same place either. Right. Or playing with the same hand. Right.

SPEAKER_01 42:32

So having realistic expectations and a great counselor, groups can help you with that. It can really help you um feel validated that you're not moving along at a faster pace. I know, John, you got upset because I wasn't healing fast. Why am I still having triggers? Why am I still talking about these things? Why? Those were unrealistic expectations. And you did not understand betrayal trauma. And if you had a definition of it, I question if you gave me the grace and believed that that was happening to me. The way I was treated, I believe that um that was not the case. You had no you thought you didn't do anything that bad, I shouldn't be that hurt. This is ridiculous. And you're welcome to fire rack, rebut if you so choose to.

SPEAKER_00 43:40

I I I won't rebut. I I will just say, you know, early on it was really difficult to really grab wrap my head around how much pain I had caused, how deep the hurt went.

SPEAKER_01 43:54

And uh What about five years in?

SPEAKER_00 43:56

It's still.

SPEAKER_01 44:00

You said early on. We're about seven years in.

SPEAKER_00 44:06

It it's still a growing realization of you know how deep the well is.

SPEAKER_01 44:15

We kept digging.

SPEAKER_00 44:16

It's very humbling. It's very um yeah.

SPEAKER_01 44:22

Mm-hmm.

Choosing Your Healing And Your Agency

SPEAKER_01 44:24

Well, y'all, we are coming up here to the end and of this podcast, this episode, and I just want betrayed spouses out there. I want you to know you deserve a partner. I deserve a partner who protects the marriage. Not one that I have to babysit after they broke it. And my healing comes first. Your healing comes first. I'm talking to the ladies because I are a lady. Your healing comes first, whether that's in the marriage or outside of it. And only you get to choose if you walk away or not. No one gets to make that decision for you. No one gets to make that decision for me. That is my choice and my decision. I gave my agency away for way too long in my life. And I'm choosing to never do that again. I get to say what I do with my body, what I do with my life. No one except God has authority over that. That's between God and me. So, ladies, you deserve a partner who protects you, who protects the marriage, protects your heart, not one that you have to babysit after they broke your marriage and your heart. And your healing comes first, whether you stay married or not. Please take care of yourself. Take care of yourself. A few things I want to challenge you on. A couple things you can do is write a list, write your non-negotiable partner standards. What is non-negotiable with you? Just make a list for you. Identify then, identify where you're overfunctioning and set one healthy boundary this week. And then find an individual counselor who can help you, not marriage counseling. That comes down the road a little ways after both have um both of y'all have been in individual counseling for a while. All right. John, anything to add?

SPEAKER_00 47:00

No. No. Um it's a it's a hard journey.

SPEAKER_01 47:07

That's why I call it the bucket of suck. Because it is a hard journey. And it sucks. And it's messy. And it's uh oh my gosh, frustrating and disappointing. However, I will say that there's freedom and healing if you stay the course. You can be free individually. Even if you don't stay in your marriage, you can be, you can walk away healed. You can stay in the marriage and be healed. Each of you. It takes a lot of work. It doesn't happen overnight. But it can be done. And um for now, I'm here. I'm saying my attorney gave me a uh a very sobering uh view of what divorce will look like. And it's gonna be hard to stay in this marriage. It's gonna be it would be hard to walk away and to divorce. So pick pick the hard. And um, for now, this is where I'm landing. So, y'all, thank you for listening. I hope there's some little nugget in there that uh you can take away, you can benefit from our our story, our journey, our dysfunction and brokenness. And my prayers that God will use us in all of that. Well, we don't have it down, obviously. Uh we're still battling, we're still in the mess. Um, so I hope our experiences and story can give you a little bit of. I don't know how it can give you hope. Here we are, still battling it. But can help you at least discover um maybe something that that you needed to add in or take away from your journey. So, y'all, thanks for joining us. And until next time, God bless.

Final Encouragement And How To Connect

SPEAKER_01 49:34

Thank you for taking the time to listen today. Remember, you are more than what happened to you. We'd be honored to come alongside and guide you on your healing journey. Connect with us at www.hurtmeetshealer.com. Until next time. God bless you.