Purpose In The Pain

Betrayal doesn’t just hurt, it rearranges your entire inner world. When your spouse has been unfaithful and you choose to stay, the hardest part is often what comes after: the long months that turn into years, the slow recovery, the setbacks, the defensiveness, and the lonely feeling that you are carrying the weight of reconciliation by yourself.

We get real about that wait. Kim shares her story as the betrayed spouse, the desperate moment of pleading with God for a way out, and the painful decision to hang on even when trust still feels destroyed. Along the way, we talk about a major shift that changed everything: moving from trying to fix John to letting God meet Kim in the delay, not as a harsh judge, but as compassionate, faithful, and safe. If you’re looking for Christian encouragement after infidelity, marriage reconciliation support, or help navigating betrayal trauma, you’ll hear language for what you’re living.

We also lay out four grounding truths: staying can be obedience and worship, God works in the waiting, betrayal doesn’t cancel God’s purpose, and your pain can still carry purpose even when healing feels delayed. Then John speaks from the other side, naming shame, struggle, and the slow work of learning vulnerability. The conversation turns candid about what blocks intimacy and why consistent behavior matters more than words.

If you’re the betrayed spouse still trying to make sense of it all, we hope this brings you a steady next step. Subscribe, share this with someone who needs it, and leave a review so more people can find real help and hope.

Thank you for listening! For more information about us and the services we offer, visit www.hurtmeetshealer.com.

Intro & Outro music written, performed, and produced by Kim Capps.

This podcast is for informational purposes only and should not be considered legal, medical, or professional advice. The views expressed by the Host or any Guest(s) are strictly their own and in no way constitute legal, medical, or professional advice.
Copyright ©️ 2026, Hurt Meets Healer, LLC. All rights reserved.

Transcript

Welcome And Why Staying Hurts

SPEAKER_01 0:06

Hi, and welcome to the Hurt Meet Taylor Podcast. I'm Kim Caps, your host and president of Hurtley Taylor LLC, a business tree, business plus ministry that was created to help individuals and couples walking through the devastating impact of sexual addiction and infidelity. Thanks for joining me today. Episode 19, which is titled, What if I put my hands down? Downed. Good lord, my nose isn't even stopped up. There shouldn't be a D. What if I put my hands down? Finding purpose in the pain. Um

The Pinterest Offense Quote

SPEAKER_01 0:56

and you know, somewhere along the way, I wrote a song about this. I I read this little snippet, probably on Pinterest, that says, I can't give offense. You choose to be offended, you choose to take it, and you need to make better choices. What do you think about that, John? Welcome back.

SPEAKER_00 1:20

Thanks. Well, I think it's um a lot like a lot of things you find on Pinterest.

SPEAKER_01 1:28

I think there's some good stuff out there, some good thoughts.

SPEAKER_00 1:32

I agree. I mean, there's a lot of that that I that I agree with. Right. Um, you you know the the I can't give offense, you choose to be offended. Um I I absolutely agree. Um I I think it's funny the way they chose to end that.

SPEAKER_01 1:53

You make better choices. Right. Yeah, I agree. A lot of people do need to make better choices. Heck, most of the time I need to make better choices.

SPEAKER_00 2:02

Right.

Betrayal By A Spouse

SPEAKER_01 2:03

So one of the deepest cuts that a person can experience is betrayal by your own spouse. And if you are the betrayed spouse, I as I am, who chose to stay in your marriage, even though your unfaithful partner is taking a long time to heal, and it's taking a long time to restore the relationship. This episode is for you. So we're talking to those ones who are um on this journey for a little while. We've we've been down this road many times, and and it's um, yeah, we're circling, we're coming back. Hey, we've seen that tree a couple times. This is called Purpose in the Pain. And I wrote a song, I actually titled it with that, with well, those words, purpose and the pain, because I've lived this story. And I want to talk honestly today about the ache of staying, the slow road of recovery, the slow road of reconciliation, and how God can still bring purpose, even when healing is delayed, it feels delayed, um, seems delayed. I just want you to know you're not alone. There is hope. And um we're just gonna get real, we're gonna get honest, gonna be vulnerable a little bit here. And are you ready, John?

SPEAKER_00 3:37

I'm ready.

SPEAKER_01 3:38

All right, are you just gonna sit over there and uh let me do everything again? Are you gonna pipe up and participate every once in a while? Or do I need to be asking you each time?

SPEAKER_00 3:52

I'll chime in where I believe I can offer something.

SPEAKER_01 3:57

Okay. Sounds good. So as I have shared my story on uh the early episodes of this podcast, I found out that my husband John over here had been unfaithful years ago. And it shattered, shattered my world. It it it blew um my gosh, everything that I thought was good and right, it turned it upside down. Um, and through these years, I've had many reasons to walk away and to leave. The pain overwhelming, the continued blame, the continued um demand to just get over it, the continued lack of being able to share my feelings and emotions, and that I was hurt and how I was hurt. Trust was destroyed, just gone, still is, and the future, not so bright, not so bright.

When Divorce Papers Hit The Desk

SPEAKER_01 5:14

Um, I remember early in the recovery journey, uh, being over in my She-Shack and just pacing back and forth, and I am having it out with God, and I am wanting Him to release me from this marriage. And I I mean I was just God, you I I need to know that it's okay to go. I need to know. And he said, hang on a little bit longer. Hang on. And I I think this was after I'd put divorce papers on your desk. Or it might, it was in that season of um I had had papers drawn up. I didn't, I was just gonna walk away to make it easy. Just I had I was gosh, so much, so much manipulation, gaslighting, and lying that was going on. I I I was I had to get some kind of um breath. And I was just pleading with God, let me get out of this. Take me, kill me, take me, send, take me home, get me out of here. And God said, No, not right now. I'm here with you, and I'm gonna point you to some people who will help you, and you're gonna have to fight and fight on your knees. And I chose to stay. I chose to honor the commitment that I made, even when it hurt, and it hurt every minute of every day for a very long time. And what what has baffled me is how long how long, John, your recovery has taken uh months turning into years of watching you wrestle with guilt and shame. And what appeared to me to be avoiding any kind of emotional awareness and healing and growing up, and most days it felt like actually one step forward, two steps back. And holy smokes, this time of waiting, which I'm still in, it it's tested my faith in ways I've never imagined. I spent many, many days and nights questioning God. Why? Why? Why do you want me to stay in here? And how long? My goodness, God, can't you just like reach down and shake him a little bit and shake some sense into him, shake some empathy into him? I mean, I'm staying. Where's the healing? Where's the restoration?

Meeting God In The Delay

SPEAKER_01 8:30

And here's what I'm learning, here's what God has shown me is that he asked me this question. Uh Kim, will you spend, will you put as much effort into uh uh getting to know me as you do uh into uh trying to help John heal or fix him or coming to me to fix John. Will you just sit, Kim, and get to know me as your father? Will you get to know me as compassionate? Because here's what had to change in me. I was raised in the Southern Baptist uh I don't know what you would call it thing. And so I I it was this hellfire and brimstone. You step out of line, boom, something bad happens to you. Well, it's because you're in sin. You need to go fix it. What is it? You need to do you need to forgive somebody? And instead of going, you know what, life happens. We live in a fallen world and bad things are gonna happen. It's not necessarily sin. As the wasn't it the was his disciples that asked Jesus, or was it the Pharisees trying to trick him, trying to catch Jesus? Who sinned that this man is crippled?

SPEAKER_00 10:05

It was the disciples.

SPEAKER_01 10:08

And Jesus is like, it's not that anybody sinned, it's so that I can prove who I am to y'all, so that God can be glorified, so that the Father will get the glory. So that's what I've learned is life is life. And where is my compass pointing? Am I pointing to um oh, John's got to be this, that, or the other? Or am I pointing to learning I want to know God? And what if during this whole my whole journey of healing, God has been saying to me, Kim, come sit at my feet, come sit on my lap, just let me comfort you. I want you to know me as peace. I want you to know me as love. I want you to know me as faithfulness, as trustworthy, as the as your daddy. That's how I want you to know me. Not as some mean dude sitting on the throne, you will behave, you will act right, or you know, lightning comes. That's not that's not the God that I've come to know. He does he discipline us? Absolutely, in love. He's crazy in love with us. He wants, he wanted me to put my attention on him, not highlight my marriage, not make that an idol in my life, not make John an idol in my life, not make what other people thought about me an idol in my life. To make God the sinner. And when I came to that realization, um, I it's like this light bulb, and I've heard it taught a lot, but I actually came to know it in my spirit that God doesn't waste a single second. He doesn't waste our pain, he uses it to shape us. So, how how in the world am I going to find purpose when I've chosen to stay, but the healing feels delayed? And

Four Truths That Steady Us

SPEAKER_01 12:57

here are four four things that have come to me that I've learned is that number one, my choice, my choice to stay married is an act of obedience to God because He said, Stay for now. It's an act of obedience and worship. Staying's hard. Staying is hard, it is not weak. You are not submitting to abuse, especially if you have healthy boundaries in place, and you're being strengthened by groups and you're getting good solid counseling. Staying is hard, it's very hard. And our strength comes if we are in relationship with God through Jesus, where we get the power of the Holy Spirit, and God sees us, He sees me every day, He sees me make the daily decision to love John in spite of how he shows up. And I get to honor God through that. My goal is not to puff up John or to pat him on the back or to do anything really for John. My God, my God, my goal is to honor God. That's my goal. Am I doing it well? Probably not. But that's what that's where I'm walking. So, number one, your choice to stay, my choice to stay is an act of obedience and worship. Number two, God's working, he's always working, he's working in our waiting. So while I'm waiting for John to grow up emotionally, and I don't know if he will, I'm in a very doubting place right now. Not that God can't do a work in him, but I question if John, you will allow him to do that. So while I'm waiting for that, I'm trusting God and I'm allowing God to refine me. I want him to teach me, and he is teaching me, deeper dependence on him, greater patience, and love that mirrors what Jesus did for me. Love that persists and stays even when the other person isn't there yet. And number three, betrayal doesn't cancel God's purpose for my marriage. What the what Satan meant for evil and meant for destruction. God can still redeem it. And it's gonna look different. I want it to look different. It's gonna be scarred, but stronger. And many couples who have walked through this end up with a ministry. Well, this podcast, the and our hurt meets healer uh ministry, that hopefully that's my prayer, is that it's a ministry to y'all that you can experience and hear of our of my authentic healing and the things that God has shown us, the things that we're learning through this, the things that I'm learning. I don't know what you're learning over there, John. So if you're learning something, you're welcome to share it. And then the fourth thing, these are four truths. Number four, my pain has a purpose even in the delay. Every tear I cry, every time I choose to give grace when it's not reciprocated, the Bible tells me God's collecting those tears. And he's using this season to write a story of healing and of resurrection, I hope, in my home. So the four truths of how I have found purpose when I've chosen to stay, and yet my spouse's healing has felt delayed. Number one, my choice to stay is an act of obedience and worship. Number two, God is working in the waiting. Number three, betrayal doesn't cancel God's purpose for marriage, for my marriage. And number four, my pain has a purpose even in the delay. So

Purpose In The Pain Song

SPEAKER_01 18:16

I recently wrote a song, like within the past two weeks. It's called Purpose and the Pain. And I'm just gonna share a just a snippet, not even the full first verse, but I I'll give uh it looks like the full chorus in here. I trusted with an open heart. Gave everything I had, but the knife came from the closest one, left me bleeding on the ground. And then the chorus goes like this but there's purpose in the pain. There's a harvest in the tears You're writing something greater through the wreckage of my ears. What was meant to be for evil, you turned it for my good in the ashes of betrayal. I found who I really am in you. Purpose in the pain. I found purpose in the pain. And I hope to um maybe I'll sing it on here one of these days. Get it recorded and it's very powerful if you're in the middle of this long, long, arduous journey. Speak this over your marriage. There is still purpose in the pain.

Write It Down And Get Support

SPEAKER_01 20:04

If you choose to stay, I want to encourage you and just suggest a couple things. Number one, write down the specific pain you're carrying today. Write it down. Get it out on paper. And it helps our brains when we actually handwrite stuff out. That's been proven, scientifically proven. And then write eight Romans 8 28 beside it. We know all things. God works for the good of those who love him. Number two. A prayer that you could pray is Lord, give me strength to stay when it's hard. Show me your purpose in the delay. Heal my spouse in your timing and heal me in the waiting. And number three, I just can't say it enough is to find safe community. Find a good support group, a good counselor, a good mentor. It's so helpful to be with groups of people, a group of people who understand the unique pain of betrayal and the unique pain of staying. And then number four remind yourself that God is still writing your story. If you are the betrayed spouse and you You're choosing to stay, even though restoration and your spouse's healing is taking longer than you thought it would, longer than you hoped. God sees you. He sees your faithfulness. He hasn't forgotten you or your marriage. He is with you in the waiting. He's with you in the pain. And he's with you in the purpose. The road is hard, but it's not wasted. God doesn't waste our pain. Your pain, your pain, your obedience, your tears. The pain, yeah. And your love are producing something eternal. There really is purpose in the pain. And finding what that is is finding who God is. That's what my story is. As I've come to know God as trustworthy, as faithful, as consistent, as safe as my healer, as my comforter. I found purpose. I have found my worth again. I found confidence in knowing who God says I am. I don't have to put on a show for people. I can be Kim. I can make mistakes. And boy, hida do I ever. That's okay. That's okay. I'm growing. I'm on a journey. I have not arrived yet.

John On Shame And Slow Change

SPEAKER_01 24:30

All right, John. What say you? Because I'm about to wrap it up here.

SPEAKER_00 24:34

Well, that's definitely um very uh profound. I mean, we definitely I I can definitely understand and and uh connect with the the uh being on the journey and not arriving yet. And I will just say um if if uh if your spouse is struggling to heal, um uh just know that they feel it too. I certainly feel it. I certainly um am impatient with the process as well, and so I would imagine that most spouses that are really struggling to heal are also uh struggling with with that struggle, and uh I I appreciate your vulnerability in sharing so deeply on this particular episode.

The Fight For Vulnerability

SPEAKER_01 25:46

Yeah, I just wish, I wish in the struggle that you wouldn't hurt me. I think you can struggle and not be defensive and not run away. Not ignore I I believe that. You don't have to you're appear to be struggling. I don't know who you're struggling with. By yourself? Because you're not struggling with me on this journey. You're not allowing me in to your journey. And you run away from the invitation when I invite you into my journey because that sheds light on behaviors and you don't it appears you don't like that. So are you thinking? Are you just not gonna say anything? Welcome to my life. Well, where I say something and silence crickets even.

SPEAKER_00 27:18

Um I need a cricket it takes me a it it takes me a while to process those um deep, difficult statements and uh because you know my my initial thought is um no, that's not true. But obviously that's your experience, and so uh I recognize that I've got a lot of improvement to do there.

SPEAKER_01 27:50

You are welcome to get to like 2630 of this episode and listen to the crickets. Yeah, that's my experience.

SPEAKER_00 28:02

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 28:03

Listen to it, listen to your silence. It speaks volumes.

SPEAKER_00 28:10

It speaks volumes. It's been a hard, it's really been a hard gear shift for me to um and I'm still grinding that gear most of the time. Uh to let you into my struggle.

SPEAKER_01 28:26

You don't let anyone into your struggle. You've barely let counselors into your struggle. You didn't let the first four or five of them in, which is fascinating. I mean, you yourself said you don't trust anyone.

SPEAKER_00 28:44

That is definitely a real a real struggle for me to trust. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 28:50

Yeah. I mean, it's not I don't I don't know what else to do. So uh I'm not like I can do anything. It's yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:04

Well it's a rec yeah. I mean, it's just recognizing that those are rare and those are rare moments, and you know, I need to make sure to to grab them.

SPEAKER_01 29:17

What a rare moments.

SPEAKER_00 29:20

When I'm vulnerable and sharing, there I I need to Oh, it's like the Kuba Libre. Right, and I need to do better at grabbing onto those and Bigfoot and uh having more courage to share. I I struggle with that. Absolutely the truth.

SPEAKER_01 29:41

So you do do you realize that you will never have intimacy with any living human being if you cannot be vulnerable?

SPEAKER_00 29:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:56

Yet you claim that that is what you deeply desire.

SPEAKER_00 30:01

And it is.

SPEAKER_01 30:05

That baffles me. I deeply desire this, but I'm not gonna do the I'm not gonna do it. Or I'm not gonna do the work to do be able to do that. I'm not even gonna try it. I'm not even gonna test it. I'm not even gonna, yeah, just not gonna do it. Not gonna do it. All right, how's that working for ya?

SPEAKER_00 30:32

Well, it doesn't work well. The uh, you know, I I've I've working through some of my negative experiences with that, with vulnerability and um really so have you ever been vulnerable with anyone? Yeah. I've even been vulnerable with you.

SPEAKER_01 31:02

All right, well, we'll have to discuss this off the air because I uh do not recall any of that. All right. Legitimately, honestly, not in a manipulative, I'm trying to get something from you, so I'm gonna pretend to be vulnerable so that you'll feel sorry for me and I'll get my way. Actually, honestly vulnerable.

SPEAKER_00 31:34

Yes. Hmm. And I recognize that, you know, past experiences um color the current experience and you know recent experiences, yeah, which are in the past.

SPEAKER_01 31:55

Forget about it.

SPEAKER_00 31:57

It it is uh, I mean, I I know how hard it is to change the way I see you.

SPEAKER_01 32:05

Don't even you you tread lightly. I'm putting a warning out there to tread lightly about whatever you're about to say.

SPEAKER_00 32:15

Yeah, I just I know how hard it is to change my mind, and that's what I'm working on.

SPEAKER_01 32:21

So I have to change my mind about how I see you. No, not how you show up and present yourself. You don't have to change. I have to change my perspective. That's what I just heard.

SPEAKER_00 32:33

Oh, okay. You you you heard that, but that's not what I was saying. I'm saying I recognize how I have to change how I show up because of how I have showed up in the past.

SPEAKER_01 32:48

And and there you go, drinking water, which indicates well, it doesn't matter what it indicates.

SPEAKER_00 32:55

That my throat's raspy. Um yeah, I mean, I recognize how I've shown up in the past and how that colors how you receive how I show up today. So I I'm working through that and learning how to show up differently, and I'm not succeeding at that at that very well.

A Cow In A Pig Outfit

SPEAKER_01 33:21

So if I tell, if I go, if I tell you, go bring me one of the cows, and the cow shows up at the front door, I see a cow. And I say, that's a cow, but that's not what you want me to see. You want me to see a pig. So you go put a pig outfit on the cow. And you bring the cow back, you're like, Don't you see a pig? This is a pig now. Don't you see a pig? No, I see a cow in a pig outfit. It's not gonna change my perspective. That's still a cow. Sure. Just wearing a pig outfit. It moves like a cow, it poops like a cow, it smells like a cow. You can dress it all up all fancy ways and tell me it's something different. It's still a cow. How do how does one change perspective when the cow keeps showing up? Pretending to be something else, wanting me to see something else. Yet it's still a cow.

SPEAKER_00 34:51

Yeah, when the cow still shows up, then you're still seeing the cow. No question.

SPEAKER_01 34:58

So something different would have to show up. If I'm gonna see a if you want me to see a donkey, you'd have to bring a donkey. If you want me to see a chicken, and I say all these things because we have animals out here, we're on the ranch. You have to bring a chicken. Right? You have to show what you want me to see.

SPEAKER_00 35:28

Yes, I I I do get that.

SPEAKER_01 35:33

All right, just clarifying. Anything else?

SPEAKER_00 35:37

No.

Prayer For Healing And Worth

SPEAKER_01 35:40

Oh, God, I hope, I pray that you show us purpose in the pain. God, I pray for our listeners out there that some nugget of this will reach their heart, that they won't give up on their healing. God, that they will see your faithfulness, that they will see your trustworthiness, that they will see your compassion. And trust you in this process. Trust you that you have purpose for them, that they are worthy. God, that you have not forgotten them, you have not forsaken them. You are right there with them in the waiting in the pain, and you're writing their purpose. God, thank you for Jesus. Thank you that there's healing in his name. And that's in his name, in the name of Jesus, I pray. Thank you for joining us on this episode. I hope, I hope there's a nugget for you in there. You're not alone in this journey. You're worthy. You're worthy of a partner who's emotionally mature. And just know that God sees you. He's crazy in love with you. And until next time, God bless. Thank you for taking the time to listen today. Remember, you are more than what happened to you. We'd be honored to come alongside and guide you on your healing journey. Connect with us at www.hurtmeetshealer.com. Until next time. God bless.